DH isn't going to accept DS

[anonymouszz]

My DS is gay and he only told me this recently as he is "seeing someone" he has met through college but told me not to tell anyone till he is ready which I haven't although DH has asked me if our DS is gay? I just said I didn't know but I feel like I'm lying but I feel I promised DS so I have to keep quiet even to his dad.

My DH has stated that if our DS is gay then he wouldn't be able to accept this and would essentially be a break down of their relationship. This puts me in a really difficult position, I obviously love my DS no matter what but my DH can be quite controlling I guess and I just don't know where this would leave me because I would have to leave him as DS comes first.

It makes me cringe at some of the bigoted views DH has developed over the years.

We own our own home jointly (no mortgage) but our other finances are separate.

Instead of rushing in to things like talking to a lawyer, ducks in row etc, wouldn't it just be best to wait and see if he will eventually come round and accept it?
Men need longer to process these things. At least give him a chance.

No chance. A good marriage relies on similar values. I would not stay with DH if he was homophobic, racist, misogynistic or any other form of bigot. Why does he need time to come round to it. His had 50 odd years to not be a small.minded twat.
I just couldn't bring myself to respect someone with those viewpoints. And you cant be married to someone you don't respect.
My FIL is a bigot and I avoid him at all costs. His favourite granddaughter came out as gay and he was awful at first and then "came round". Still is a homophobe but is OK with her. She isnt with him though and their relationship is rujned forever.

You’d stay married to anyone with that view on others sexuality?

How could you have any respect or love for that? Hope he “cones round”, give him a chance to what?

Unless you hold the same views of course….

I’m sorry but if Dh even hypothetically said he would no longer have a relationship with either of our children if they were gay, his arse would be out the door. Absolutely no way I would tolerate this sort of belief in the person who is meant to love them totally and completely for exactly who they are. That would be the end of the marriage, done. My children’s safety and wellbeing always comes first.

I should add that my mum clung to a man with horrible beliefs and dangerous behaviour because he’s ‘her man’ even at the risk of her children and grandchildren. Not to do with anyone being gay, but equally abhorrent. I am NC with her now. She has no relationship with any of her children and grandchildren, and they are growing old together all sad and alone with no one. Don’t become that sort of mum.

Wow your ‘D’H would prefer your son was unhappy just to suit him? So what if he’s in love with a man, who cares as long as he’s happy and healthy and growing up well into a well rounded human being … unlike your husband. Personally I’d get my ducks in a row completely and split if he dared to try to ruin your child’s world with his homophobic nonsense

No, you really don’t have to put up with it!

Seriously, LTB. What kind of father feels that way about their own child?

I would leave him but I realise it’s not that simple for you.
i would speak to your son and tell him how much you love him and completely accept him for who he is but I would also tell him about his fathers out dated views and it might be in his best interest to keep his sexuality private for the time being. But express strongly that you completely disagree and you’re not happy about it.

It’s not for you to tell your husband, your son will tell people when he is ready.

You have no mortgage on the house and separate finances. How are you trapped?

You sell the house and walk away with a huge deposit for a new place and you have your own finances to support yourself as well.

I could never stay married to a man who could have such disgusting views about strangers let alone his own son.

If you stand by this man your son will never forgive you and the damage will be irreparable.

I think your DS probably knows how his Dad will react so is keeping his sexual preference concealed for now. I'd make it easy on your DS by divorcing your DH. Then your DS can come out without fear. I'd also tell your DS he is far more important to you than DH is.

This.

It shouldn’t put you in a difficult position. Support your son.

What a lovely man you’re married to!
You mentioned about separate finances - this is irrelevant. All finances are taken into consideration in a financial settlement regardless as to whose name they are in.
I would go so far as to start divorce proceedings now. This is because I would not want my DS to think that you’re getting divorced because of his sexuality, rather that you’re getting divorced because you no longer love his father. The effect on your DS of him thinking he’s the cause of the divorce could be tremendous, and should be avoided at all costs. Similarly, don’t tell your DS about his father’s thoughts on him being gay. It’s cruel, and actually may not become an issue when his father does find out the truth.

I don't understand this. My DCs are my children whatever their orientation.

Your DH is happy to lose his DS because he doesn't believe in homosexuality? And as a consequence lose his DW?

I would let him lose you both immediately. See how he likes that.

There really is no ifs in this situation is there?

Your son is gay.

Your husband is 99% unlikely to change once he knows.

So all you can do is to start preparing for the life you want once you separate.

To me it seems like a question of when not if.

Well he doesn't have to like him being gay but to cut him off would be unforgiveable.

I'd give this time before consulting solicitors.

Does your husband even know yet? What he says and does are two different things.

I couldn't be with someone like that.

Divorce, split the profit and get your own place?

Presumably he knows, hence asking the OP to keep it secret.

Unlikely that the Dad’s views have suddenly come out of the blue. There will have been comments and slurs and micro-disapprovals that the Ds will have been alert and sensitive to.

You support you son first and foremost. Leave bigots behind always.

Couldn’t have put it better myself….

That puts the Ds in the firing line though. He is the one being rejected and emotionally abused while his Dad is ‘given a chance.

So that should be up to the Ds, not the OP.

If I was the Ds I would leave home (and not return) as soon as possible before coming out to such a Dad.

And lots of homeless young men are there because their Dads rejected their sexuality

I'm sorry, what? Are you saying you could actually remain married to a man who would reject his child based on their sexuality?

What on earth is wrong with you?

I guess they could stay together if she’s happy to share her life with a bigot and show her son he’s not important.

I’m not sure why you’d stay with man with those awful views, but I suppose you’re the same sort of person.

Im so glad the majority of people aren’t like this.

That’s up to OP isn’t it. I was pointing out that she isn’t straightforwardly being forced to choose. She may well want to leave for other reasons including his rejection of their son.