DH isn't going to accept DS

[anonymouszz]

My DS is gay and he only told me this recently as he is "seeing someone" he has met through college but told me not to tell anyone till he is ready which I haven't although DH has asked me if our DS is gay? I just said I didn't know but I feel like I'm lying but I feel I promised DS so I have to keep quiet even to his dad.

My DH has stated that if our DS is gay then he wouldn't be able to accept this and would essentially be a break down of their relationship. This puts me in a really difficult position, I obviously love my DS no matter what but my DH can be quite controlling I guess and I just don't know where this would leave me because I would have to leave him as DS comes first.

It makes me cringe at some of the bigoted views DH has developed over the years.

We own our own home jointly (no mortgage) but our other finances are separate.

My eldest is gay and my relationship would be over. What’s wrong with him? Shocking attitude.

I can’t bear it when I’m asked how I felt when my daughter came out. She didn’t come out she told me she was in a relationship with her girlfriend. I couldn’t have been happier that she had found love.
My son is equally as happy in his relationship with his girlfriend and I am as equally delighted at their relationship.

Why does he say he shouldn't be the one to "put up with it"? How does your son being gay hurt him? His son is still his son. Does he seriously want to live the rest of his life without his son In it? I can't imagine any loving parent wanting to contemplate that.

No brainer your DS comes first- I couldn’t live with someone whose views are downright wrong and nasty! I would rather be by myself with my child.

He doesn't sound very bright, or like a good father. If he wants to lose his wife and child over something as silly as this then he will get what he wants, he'll end up alone and unhappy.

That's even worse IMO, there's no misguided ideology he's following

What realistically does this "not accepting him" look like? Could your DH be gay?

He is basically telling you he will disown your son for being gay. I imagine he will expect you to follow suit and respect his decision and authority. What a nasty, bigoted man he is. Your sons fear of telling him is justified. How sad that he feels he can't be himself in front of his family. I could understand your H being scared and worried about the prejudice your son might face. However, this isn't that. Unfortunately, your H is one of the may bigoted arseholes your son will have to deal with in his life.

Your DH is pathetic.

What do you think would happen if you told your DH to get a grip on himself and grow up a bit? He runs the risk of losing his whole family if he sticks with this stupid attitude - is that really what he wants?

Suggest to your DH that if his suspicion is confirmed he’ll lose his son and his wife. If this worries him, he needs to revise his opinion.

Get legal advice quietly asap.
Talk to Women's aid too.
That is coercive control by your husband and a crime.
He doesn't get to control you.
Get advice and get rid of him.
I bet you will be happier in the long run.
Organisations that support the families of gay children could be very helpful to talk to.

I’d be ashamed to have you as a mother OP / you have known your husband and the father of your child is bigoted for years and did nothing? Why is your DS still in contact with either parent is my question. Your “dilemma” is based on someone accepting your child but you have done nothing until it has come to a head now. Give your head a wobble - leave your DH and apologise to your DS.

I'd be getting ready to leave now. Give your DC a safe space before his awful father finds out.

Jesus, what a vile thing to say. She only found out that her child is gay recently and her husband’s extreme reaction has clearly shocked her.

OP - I wouldn’t give your husband the chance to reject your son, I think in this case you do need to tell him that your son is gay and ask him how he intends to act - is he going to be a decent man and father or is he going to carry on down this path and lose his entire family due to his small-minded views.

You don’t need to buy him out, he buys you out or you sell and get something smaller with the proceeds. I understand that it’s not easy starting over again, but better that than lose your son.

Do you want to stay because of financial reasons? I know you keep your money separate but if you divorce then there would be a fair split. If you stay with this man you will lose your son. Think about it. Why would you stay with him when it means losing your lovely boy?

What on earth do you mean?

Educate yourself about divorce, gather all financial documentation and see a competent family solicitor.

I can't imagine not loving a child because of their sexuality.

I think your son's gayness is actually mudding the waters - what sort of person is capable of cutting off their child? he has made love conditional and I bet his poor moral compass shows up in other areas.

get professional advice and then consider your options and what you want to do.

I’m not sure why you would have to leave DH rather than arrange to see DS on your own? Do you want to leave him anyway?

I would separate from my DH if he expressed such a view even if it was not about my DC

If your H says it would be the breakdown of the relationship then I’d suggest he should be the person to leave the family home. Your DS should feel safe and happy in his home.
If he’s not happy with that option I’d divorce and find a new home for you and DC. See what the solicitor says on Tuesday.
I doubt it’s the only opinion your H has that you don’t share.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for your DS.
however, I’m also very happy to see that you would support your DS over your husband.
As others said, carefully plan your escape and make it clear to your DS that you unequivocally love and support him.

Good luck.

What is your son's relationship with his dad usually like? Could you imagine your husband actually following through on this threat to cut off his son?

And when he says "you'd have to put up with it", does he mean that he would expect you to also cut off your son?

Do you want to be married to this person? Someone who'd reject his own child?

Could you not buy a smaller property instead?

I can't imagine staying married to a controlling homophobic bigot who had cut off our son

I couldn’t be with this man no matter what sexual orientation my children were.

Not sure why it’s taken getting to this point for you to consider leaving him.