DH isn't going to accept DS

[anonymouszz]

My DS is gay and he only told me this recently as he is "seeing someone" he has met through college but told me not to tell anyone till he is ready which I haven't although DH has asked me if our DS is gay? I just said I didn't know but I feel like I'm lying but I feel I promised DS so I have to keep quiet even to his dad.

My DH has stated that if our DS is gay then he wouldn't be able to accept this and would essentially be a break down of their relationship. This puts me in a really difficult position, I obviously love my DS no matter what but my DH can be quite controlling I guess and I just don't know where this would leave me because I would have to leave him as DS comes first.

It makes me cringe at some of the bigoted views DH has developed over the years.

We own our own home jointly (no mortgage) but our other finances are separate.

Am I being deliberately misunderstood ? Im leaving this thread now.

That's ridiculous, he was born gay the same way most of us are born with two hands. There isn't anything he can do about it, what's your DS supposed to do? Hide in the closet or become a priest.

I think a number of people have totally understood you! That’s why you’re leaving.

I’m divorced, XH struggled when DC2 told us she was a lesbian.

Often something is the final straw for a marriage, his reaction to our beautiful daughter being brave enough to have that conversation was the final straw. Don’t get me wrong, he was a twat in other ways too, but that was the catalyst for me initiating divorce.

Life is wonderful out of the other side. Money isn’t everything, my kids are happy, I’m happy, neither of them have any contact with him (their choice).

You’re not trapped. You have 50% of a property and you say your finances are separate. You say he’s a bigot in other ways too. You need to leave, or you will lose your son.

How is it an extreme belief? Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, religious or otherwise, regardless of how extreme or unpopular. I thought we lived in a society where everyone could be AND believe whatever they wish? Or is only beliefs which match up with the masses?

You don't think rejecting your own child over a belief is extreme?

I wasn’t referring necessarily to the rejection part, I meant disagreeing with homosexuality.

OK, let's say you decide to stay with your husband and "put up with" his decision. If your son is already living apart from you even in the school holidays, I suppose your husband can avoid him (not meet him outside of the house, and go out when he knows son will visit) but if your son lives with the two of you I don't see how it can work. Regardless, husband also has to "put up with" the fact that you, like a normal person who is not an arsehole, will continue to have a loving and close relationship with your son.

IF you decide to stay, put the whole burden on your husband, don't let him make it your problem to warn him that your son might drop by or might be at a family event. In fact, you may feel like you want to compromise compensate by spending more time with your son. And don't take on the burden of doing ANY explaining to anyone else (extended family, friends, neighbors) if it becomes obvious that your husband is blanking your son and people have questions.

I'm curious what would happen if you had a child that's bisexual. Would your husband cut contact whenever the child was in a same-sex relationship and then try to reinstate it if the child was in an opposite sex relationship or single? Or does the taint of a minority sexual orientation override everything so child is cut off forever? Leaving aside the ethical implications of his prejudice and its unknown causes for a moment, it sounds really exhausting for your husband and hurtful for everyone else.

edited

In any case, I did say that regardless of how extreme the belief, we’re meant to be entitled to it. Whatever it is. Obviously that doesn’t mean OP has to stay with him! Or that nobody can resent him for it but name calling and vilifying him for having a belief that we don’t agree with, is a bit dystopian imo. However I was raised to try and respect others’ opinions whether I agree with them or not. Just don’t associate with them if you don’t want to 🤷🏼‍♀️

But was he always like this?
I ask because when I first met my now DH I was very clear about my position on racism, sexism, homophobia etc. If he'd shown any negative views on such topics then we wouldn't even have dated.

This would absolutely be a deal-breaker for me. Not being able to accept your own child is abhorrent.

I was referring to the rejection part and specifically mentioned it.

I wasn't taught to respect any idiot's opinions. Saying someone's a homophobe because they are is hardly dystopian.

He’s a vile man and a shit dad. Leave him.

Of course they were already a twat, aren’t they always!

I would have left already. Think of the message it is sending to your son if you stay.
I don’t think I could be married to a homophobe even if my whole family were straight, in the same way I couldn’t be in a relationship with a racist.

OP, rather than buy him out, could you sell the house and buy somewhere smaller with your share

How old is Ds? Do you have younger children at home? You could end up with more than 50% of the house in a divorce if you have dependent U18s at home.

Good luck in your meeting with a solicitor, knowledge is power!

You don’t think rejecting your child over their sexuality is an extreme belief? I mean what do you define as “extreme”?

That would be the end for me too.
How awful to reject his own child just for being gay. No wonder your son asked you to keep it to yourself. I bet he knows how his dad would react.
Atleast he knows he has your support.

He'll get over it eventually. Hopefully it doesn't take years

He'll get over it eventually. Hopefully it doesn't take years

He is allowed to have his belief. He is not facing legal prosecution due to his belief.

However, the OP is equally allowed to find his belief abhorrent and decided that a man who rejects his own son is not someone she wishes to spend the rest of her life with.
She is not stopping him from having the belief, she is simply choosing not to remain as his wife as a consequence.

Factually labelling a behaviour is not name calling.