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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please trigger warning violence/aggressive

80 replies

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:10

Hiya i need advice straight up honesty

Ive posted on here before about the same man that ended our relationship 8 days after I lost my father because it was too much for him
5 days later he came with apologies and sensitivity about how wrong he was and he just needed time.

Things continued but I'd found out he had been messaging other woman 5/6 month into our relationship, we have now been together 11 months and there has been nothing with other woman since. Although I did find out he had message a hooker on 2nd november and messaging numerous more woman than he had told me about but I chose to forgive him

We booked a holiday together with my children
While on holiday I'd found a message on his phone that he was with a woman on 9th March that he met on a night out, I waited for my children to go to sleep then asked him to come on balcony to talk this is where I brought it up. He denied it, I kept pushing for the truth and then my voice was raised he covered my mouth with his hand, I spat he then put his hand around my neck shouting in my face. I pulled his hand away he let go and went inside. I remained on balcony. He further came out apologising and asked me to come to bed. He seemed calmer so I did. I asked if he had ever done it before he said no.
I then told him I wanted to ask people and told him I has some of his numbers of friends and when I mentioned I had his ex wife number it was like he became possessed his hand once again around my neck pinned to the bed shouting in my face " what are you trying to do to me" "no wonder men have hit you in the past" he didnt grabbed me hard there was no bruise but enough to restrict me to pinning on bed.
I walked outside again onto balcony he followed a few minutes later I instinctively ran and hid under the table but he seemed calmer. I remained out there for even after he went back inside. He apologised profusely but then when I mentioned it he said hes never done it before and it was caused by me shouting. We flew back on Thursday evening and on the flight he had mentioned something personal that could have embarrassed me I said should we talk about something personal to embarras you he then said we had to finish because he didnt trust him self because of much I push his buttons and I replied so your blatantly telling me your going to put your hands on me again then I just ignored him the rest of the flight home.

He stayed at mine Thursday night then went to work Friday and went back to his. One minute he'll say its his fault the next he'll say its mine. Im so confused.
I haven't spoke to him for 24 hours he didnt message me last night asking if I was free to talk but I replied saying I wasnt frèe

Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.
Im posting here because I feel I need to speak to someone for clarity and if I go to my friends or family I know what they will say

OP posts:
BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:12

Update the prostitute was also in the first 2 month into our relationship the other woman were all in same tike frame (first 5 month) i just found out months later

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 24/08/2025 12:14

"if I go to my friends or family I know what they will say"

What will they say?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2025 12:18

Abuse thrives on secrecy and you are in abusive relationship with this violent man. How can you be helped into leaving him for good because he could have easily killed you.

Why did you choose to forgive him
initially?.

Louisetopaz21 · 24/08/2025 12:19

He could kill you. You need to report to the police and I wonder what else he has to hide. Also you have children so you are at risk of having social services involvement which would be a good thing to safeguard your children if you choose to remain with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2025 12:20

You have children. Make them your priority now rather than him. Do not protect him.

TheSandgroper · 24/08/2025 12:20

If he has his hands around your neck and is bellowing threats at you and you then let him come home with you and sleep in your bed, you are teaching him that he can endanger the life of / attempt to kill the mother of your children. You.

Do not let him into your house ever again and never see him again. Don’t fret about what your family would say. At least you will be alive and able to cuddle your children.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 24/08/2025 12:21

This is a very violent man. Your life is literally in danger, OP. You need to report him to the police and leave him.

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:22

The same thing I would say if this was a friend or famiky member experienced this. Thing is if I accept that this was his choice I know there's no going back. I want it to be a one off I want him not to have meant it I want it to be out of character. My dad knew about him and if this is over my dad will never know the next partner and that's what's keeping me here afraid to move on to something ot someone new. I feel broken because I know what I should do but I love him. He aint all bad, most of the time its great I just dont want him to hurt me anymore emotionally or physically

OP posts:
Zuve · 24/08/2025 12:23

Get out. This is his good side, you have not seen his worse side. His ex. Knows and got out. Get out

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2025 12:23

We booked a holiday together with my children

An utterly baffling decision. You know you can’t ever see him again right? You don’t trust him, he’s revolting, he’s violent and you seem compelled to seek drama by perusing anything with him which you CANNOT do as you owe it to your children to only have people around them who are safe, secure, stable and not bloody well violent!

What the fuck have you been thinking? The whole thing is a shameful unedifying mess. Is he right you have a history of bad relationships with violent men? If so please get some professional help to work out why before you even think of dating again.

A man who puts his hands on your throat is statistically very likely to kill you.

If you don’t expect better for yourself - and you obviously should - please expect better for your children. They were far from home probably pretending to be asleep while their mum’s horrible boyfriend was hurting her. And then he stayed the night in their home.

Get him out of your lives. And then report him to the police. Fuck his job, if he doesn’t want to get in trouble for breaking the law and attacking people he shouldn’t break the law by attacking people. You owe him nothing.

Timelineuk · 24/08/2025 12:24

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:10

Hiya i need advice straight up honesty

Ive posted on here before about the same man that ended our relationship 8 days after I lost my father because it was too much for him
5 days later he came with apologies and sensitivity about how wrong he was and he just needed time.

Things continued but I'd found out he had been messaging other woman 5/6 month into our relationship, we have now been together 11 months and there has been nothing with other woman since. Although I did find out he had message a hooker on 2nd november and messaging numerous more woman than he had told me about but I chose to forgive him

We booked a holiday together with my children
While on holiday I'd found a message on his phone that he was with a woman on 9th March that he met on a night out, I waited for my children to go to sleep then asked him to come on balcony to talk this is where I brought it up. He denied it, I kept pushing for the truth and then my voice was raised he covered my mouth with his hand, I spat he then put his hand around my neck shouting in my face. I pulled his hand away he let go and went inside. I remained on balcony. He further came out apologising and asked me to come to bed. He seemed calmer so I did. I asked if he had ever done it before he said no.
I then told him I wanted to ask people and told him I has some of his numbers of friends and when I mentioned I had his ex wife number it was like he became possessed his hand once again around my neck pinned to the bed shouting in my face " what are you trying to do to me" "no wonder men have hit you in the past" he didnt grabbed me hard there was no bruise but enough to restrict me to pinning on bed.
I walked outside again onto balcony he followed a few minutes later I instinctively ran and hid under the table but he seemed calmer. I remained out there for even after he went back inside. He apologised profusely but then when I mentioned it he said hes never done it before and it was caused by me shouting. We flew back on Thursday evening and on the flight he had mentioned something personal that could have embarrassed me I said should we talk about something personal to embarras you he then said we had to finish because he didnt trust him self because of much I push his buttons and I replied so your blatantly telling me your going to put your hands on me again then I just ignored him the rest of the flight home.

He stayed at mine Thursday night then went to work Friday and went back to his. One minute he'll say its his fault the next he'll say its mine. Im so confused.
I haven't spoke to him for 24 hours he didnt message me last night asking if I was free to talk but I replied saying I wasnt frèe

Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.
Im posting here because I feel I need to speak to someone for clarity and if I go to my friends or family I know what they will say

I am saying the kindly . are you so lonely that will introduce this loser to your precious children and watch them pick up on his toxic ways?

you know what to do and work on yourself. Lovingly

Littlebitpsycho · 24/08/2025 12:24

For God's sake woman, seriously? He is violent and abusive and you're allowing this around your children! Wise up and protect them. You know what your friends and family will say - because they will be RIGHT! Get rid of him and report him to the police, fuck his job and his DBS, if he wants to behave like that he deserves everything he gets

Plastictreees · 24/08/2025 12:24

You need to stop making excuses for him and leave him.

Zuve · 24/08/2025 12:25

What you see is what you get

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2025 12:26

He aint all bad, most of the time its great I just dont want him to hurt me anymore emotionally or physically

Oh come on. How bad is bad enough for you to gather the self respect required to protect your children from a series of appalling boyfriends?

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:27

I forgave him initially because he came with how he had realised the mistake he had made. Said he was sick of his life and in a bad place mentally.
Just for the record none of this happened infront of my children they were in a separate room. They are completely unaware. Keep asking when they'll next see him but right now I cant be anywhere near him.

I cant contact the police hes at risk of losing everything if I take it that far

OP posts:
AlPaccacino · 24/08/2025 12:29

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:27

I forgave him initially because he came with how he had realised the mistake he had made. Said he was sick of his life and in a bad place mentally.
Just for the record none of this happened infront of my children they were in a separate room. They are completely unaware. Keep asking when they'll next see him but right now I cant be anywhere near him.

I cant contact the police hes at risk of losing everything if I take it that far

And if you don’t contact the police, you run the risk of losing your life. Imagine what that will do to your children?

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:31

My children's dad was abusive yes, initially just emotionally then when it became physical my family were told and he was gone. He wasnt allowed to see children either. Then I was on my own for a long time then I took a risk to find love again and got this

OP posts:
Plastictreees · 24/08/2025 12:32

You need therapy otherwise history will keep repeating. You need to break the cycle.

Starting with getting rid of this man.

Karmakamelion · 24/08/2025 12:33

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:22

The same thing I would say if this was a friend or famiky member experienced this. Thing is if I accept that this was his choice I know there's no going back. I want it to be a one off I want him not to have meant it I want it to be out of character. My dad knew about him and if this is over my dad will never know the next partner and that's what's keeping me here afraid to move on to something ot someone new. I feel broken because I know what I should do but I love him. He aint all bad, most of the time its great I just dont want him to hurt me anymore emotionally or physically

You can want this not to be real but it is real. Please remember that you and your children are worth more than this scumbag

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:34

The relationship ended on Friday as soon as he left for work ive not spoke to him since. He messaged yesterday asking if I was free to talk I replied I was not

OP posts:
Louisetopaz21 · 24/08/2025 12:35

This seems like a pattern going for abusive men. Go on the freedom programme which will help you see what abusive behaviour is and how to recognise it. Do not be the next statistic. You will be seen as being high risk at MARAC and professionals will be very concerned for you. Stop making excuses for him your kids will be aware and they need safeguarding against this and if you don't, then it will be done on your behalf.

Plastictreees · 24/08/2025 12:38

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:34

The relationship ended on Friday as soon as he left for work ive not spoke to him since. He messaged yesterday asking if I was free to talk I replied I was not

You don’t need to reply at all. You need to block him.

StressedOot3 · 24/08/2025 12:42

Ffs this relationship is horrificly toxic and your life is in serious danger if you stay with him, a man who puts his hands around your neck is not someone you should even be considering staying in a relationship with. You have children you need to think of. You need the freedom programme and a break from men and to concentrate on you and the children. This man didn't support you when you were going through one of the most traumatic things when you lost your dad, he lies, cheats and is violent. End it.