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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please trigger warning violence/aggressive

80 replies

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:10

Hiya i need advice straight up honesty

Ive posted on here before about the same man that ended our relationship 8 days after I lost my father because it was too much for him
5 days later he came with apologies and sensitivity about how wrong he was and he just needed time.

Things continued but I'd found out he had been messaging other woman 5/6 month into our relationship, we have now been together 11 months and there has been nothing with other woman since. Although I did find out he had message a hooker on 2nd november and messaging numerous more woman than he had told me about but I chose to forgive him

We booked a holiday together with my children
While on holiday I'd found a message on his phone that he was with a woman on 9th March that he met on a night out, I waited for my children to go to sleep then asked him to come on balcony to talk this is where I brought it up. He denied it, I kept pushing for the truth and then my voice was raised he covered my mouth with his hand, I spat he then put his hand around my neck shouting in my face. I pulled his hand away he let go and went inside. I remained on balcony. He further came out apologising and asked me to come to bed. He seemed calmer so I did. I asked if he had ever done it before he said no.
I then told him I wanted to ask people and told him I has some of his numbers of friends and when I mentioned I had his ex wife number it was like he became possessed his hand once again around my neck pinned to the bed shouting in my face " what are you trying to do to me" "no wonder men have hit you in the past" he didnt grabbed me hard there was no bruise but enough to restrict me to pinning on bed.
I walked outside again onto balcony he followed a few minutes later I instinctively ran and hid under the table but he seemed calmer. I remained out there for even after he went back inside. He apologised profusely but then when I mentioned it he said hes never done it before and it was caused by me shouting. We flew back on Thursday evening and on the flight he had mentioned something personal that could have embarrassed me I said should we talk about something personal to embarras you he then said we had to finish because he didnt trust him self because of much I push his buttons and I replied so your blatantly telling me your going to put your hands on me again then I just ignored him the rest of the flight home.

He stayed at mine Thursday night then went to work Friday and went back to his. One minute he'll say its his fault the next he'll say its mine. Im so confused.
I haven't spoke to him for 24 hours he didnt message me last night asking if I was free to talk but I replied saying I wasnt frèe

Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.
Im posting here because I feel I need to speak to someone for clarity and if I go to my friends or family I know what they will say

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 24/08/2025 17:19

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:27

I forgave him initially because he came with how he had realised the mistake he had made. Said he was sick of his life and in a bad place mentally.
Just for the record none of this happened infront of my children they were in a separate room. They are completely unaware. Keep asking when they'll next see him but right now I cant be anywhere near him.

I cant contact the police hes at risk of losing everything if I take it that far

Sorry? I don’t think anyone who behaves like that should be a driving instructor.

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 20:09

Ive spoke to mum and I know what I need to to do. As much as I know he isn't going to kill one of his students that's crazy he is a domestic abuser, a narcissist, liar and a cheat. He was in army hes a trained killer he knows how much preasure to use to control a person. He knows what's hes doing and im aware of that. He wants things secret to keep his ego intact he aint going to around killing folk but I know he needs reporting even if its just to get an order in place to stay away.

OP posts:
BoldViper · 01/10/2025 16:48

Hes been released on bail my word against his cause hes denied it

OP posts:
BoldViper · 13/01/2026 01:16

@all
Well i reported it to the police. I had text messages stating he "Hardly grabbed your throat, I put no preasure on"
"Pinned you never squeezing."
Put my hand over your mouth for shouting not gagging.
Photos of red marks to neck taken immediately after.
Photos of bruise to my cheek.
And screen recordings of facetimes.
He denied any physical contact in police interviewe.
The case has just been NFA'D
Case closed, no charge.

OP posts:
Willweeverfindout · 13/01/2026 01:20

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:12

Update the prostitute was also in the first 2 month into our relationship the other woman were all in same tike frame (first 5 month) i just found out months later

Just leave. Where do you see this going?

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 01:26

Willweeverfindout · 13/01/2026 01:20

Just leave. Where do you see this going?

I did after the violence. Point is I'm now left completely unprotected

OP posts:
Applecup · 13/01/2026 07:11

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 01:16

@all
Well i reported it to the police. I had text messages stating he "Hardly grabbed your throat, I put no preasure on"
"Pinned you never squeezing."
Put my hand over your mouth for shouting not gagging.
Photos of red marks to neck taken immediately after.
Photos of bruise to my cheek.
And screen recordings of facetimes.
He denied any physical contact in police interviewe.
The case has just been NFA'D
Case closed, no charge.

Police are useless.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/01/2026 08:39

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 01:16

@all
Well i reported it to the police. I had text messages stating he "Hardly grabbed your throat, I put no preasure on"
"Pinned you never squeezing."
Put my hand over your mouth for shouting not gagging.
Photos of red marks to neck taken immediately after.
Photos of bruise to my cheek.
And screen recordings of facetimes.
He denied any physical contact in police interviewe.
The case has just been NFA'D
Case closed, no charge.

This is so awful, I'm so sorry :(

Can you try DV agencies, to get advice about what to do now?

trythisforsize · 13/01/2026 08:46

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 01:16

@all
Well i reported it to the police. I had text messages stating he "Hardly grabbed your throat, I put no preasure on"
"Pinned you never squeezing."
Put my hand over your mouth for shouting not gagging.
Photos of red marks to neck taken immediately after.
Photos of bruise to my cheek.
And screen recordings of facetimes.
He denied any physical contact in police interviewe.
The case has just been NFA'D
Case closed, no charge.

Horrendous.
But at least it's logged now. That will be there forever so if he ever tries it again - he will have a history.

Stay safe. I hope you have support around you.

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 08:47

@allthis relationship ended months ago!! A pattern I am 40 years old and I have had 2 relationships where I have been assaulted that I can't control what they do victim.blaming at it's finest.

I posted because the case has just closed..read the context before typing.

OP posts:
BoldViper · 13/01/2026 08:50

trythisforsize · 13/01/2026 08:46

Horrendous.
But at least it's logged now. That will be there forever so if he ever tries it again - he will have a history.

Stay safe. I hope you have support around you.

Thank you for actually reading the post before replying, more than most have.
I have done a victim right to review. The police officer that dealt with it was horrendous.

OP posts:
BoldViper · 13/01/2026 08:55

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/01/2026 08:39

This is so awful, I'm so sorry :(

Can you try DV agencies, to get advice about what to do now?

From my personal experience i had harbour referral and they aint been that helpful. Luckily I have a good support system.

Two solicitors won't do non molestation order because last contact was September and he didnt breach his bail (which has now ended)

I have done a victim right to review. Don't feel it was dealt with correctly at all.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 13/01/2026 08:56

Have you had advice from a DV charity on applying for a non molestation order? He doesn't have to be found guilty for that.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/01/2026 08:58

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 08:55

From my personal experience i had harbour referral and they aint been that helpful. Luckily I have a good support system.

Two solicitors won't do non molestation order because last contact was September and he didnt breach his bail (which has now ended)

I have done a victim right to review. Don't feel it was dealt with correctly at all.

Ah I see. Yes it's likely you wouldn't get a non mol in that case. Unfortunately not unless he does something new. Let's hope he does not. Well done for ending it and reporting him, you did the right thing. Your report may help other women and children in the future as it will show up on a Clare's law, DBS or child protection enquiry.

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 09:01

ShawnaMacallister · 13/01/2026 08:56

Have you had advice from a DV charity on applying for a non molestation order? He doesn't have to be found guilty for that.

Yeah was told no with harbour referral so I applied to someone else myself it was a no because how long its been since it happened.
I have done a victim right to review on the case.
Just have to push. Shouldn't be this much of a fight to feel safe.

OP posts:
NutButterOnToast · 13/01/2026 09:07

We always say to women to report it to police and then when they do nothing, you're left in a worse situation than before!

Feel for you OP. You did the right thing and you've been really let down.

Summerhillsquare · 13/01/2026 09:15

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 08:50

Thank you for actually reading the post before replying, more than most have.
I have done a victim right to review. The police officer that dealt with it was horrendous.

Well done, that's a brave decision. Fucking useless police, they need reminding women are people too.

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 09:17

NutButterOnToast · 13/01/2026 09:07

We always say to women to report it to police and then when they do nothing, you're left in a worse situation than before!

Feel for you OP. You did the right thing and you've been really let down.

I feel massively let down by the system but I'm fighting it. Not just for myself but for every woman it's happened to.

I refuse to feel scared in my own home and the mental stuff that stays..
I deserve more than how its been dealt with its not good enough.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2026 09:30

All credit to you re the victim right to review.

I would consider purchasing a Ring doorbell if you can.

If you have not already enrolled onto the Freedom Programme I would urge you to do this asap. This can be done in person (ideally) or online. Your boundaries here, skewed by previous abuse, were further trampled on by another male abuser. Be on your own now with your kids and do not enter into another relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2026 09:36

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. This is a question that needs your serious consideration now. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

FartSock5000 · 13/01/2026 09:51

@BoldViper do the Freedom Programme and read Lundy Bancrofts "Why Does He Do That" before you even entertain a new relationship.

Your vulnerability is like a neon sign and you will attract abusers time and time again until you learn to break the pattern.

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DaisyChain505 · 13/01/2026 09:52

You have children that you’ve put in this situation, do better by them.

Work on yourself so much that you’ll never accept a substandard man in your life again.

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 09:54

DaisyChain505 · 13/01/2026 09:52

You have children that you’ve put in this situation, do better by them.

Work on yourself so much that you’ll never accept a substandard man in your life again.

Edited

I did not put them in this situation, his decision was his choice, not mine.

I will not tolerate victim blaming.

OP posts:
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