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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please trigger warning violence/aggressive

80 replies

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:10

Hiya i need advice straight up honesty

Ive posted on here before about the same man that ended our relationship 8 days after I lost my father because it was too much for him
5 days later he came with apologies and sensitivity about how wrong he was and he just needed time.

Things continued but I'd found out he had been messaging other woman 5/6 month into our relationship, we have now been together 11 months and there has been nothing with other woman since. Although I did find out he had message a hooker on 2nd november and messaging numerous more woman than he had told me about but I chose to forgive him

We booked a holiday together with my children
While on holiday I'd found a message on his phone that he was with a woman on 9th March that he met on a night out, I waited for my children to go to sleep then asked him to come on balcony to talk this is where I brought it up. He denied it, I kept pushing for the truth and then my voice was raised he covered my mouth with his hand, I spat he then put his hand around my neck shouting in my face. I pulled his hand away he let go and went inside. I remained on balcony. He further came out apologising and asked me to come to bed. He seemed calmer so I did. I asked if he had ever done it before he said no.
I then told him I wanted to ask people and told him I has some of his numbers of friends and when I mentioned I had his ex wife number it was like he became possessed his hand once again around my neck pinned to the bed shouting in my face " what are you trying to do to me" "no wonder men have hit you in the past" he didnt grabbed me hard there was no bruise but enough to restrict me to pinning on bed.
I walked outside again onto balcony he followed a few minutes later I instinctively ran and hid under the table but he seemed calmer. I remained out there for even after he went back inside. He apologised profusely but then when I mentioned it he said hes never done it before and it was caused by me shouting. We flew back on Thursday evening and on the flight he had mentioned something personal that could have embarrassed me I said should we talk about something personal to embarras you he then said we had to finish because he didnt trust him self because of much I push his buttons and I replied so your blatantly telling me your going to put your hands on me again then I just ignored him the rest of the flight home.

He stayed at mine Thursday night then went to work Friday and went back to his. One minute he'll say its his fault the next he'll say its mine. Im so confused.
I haven't spoke to him for 24 hours he didnt message me last night asking if I was free to talk but I replied saying I wasnt frèe

Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.
Im posting here because I feel I need to speak to someone for clarity and if I go to my friends or family I know what they will say

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 13/01/2026 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YABU

I don't think it's victim blaming to ask someone who appears to be vulnerable how they approach relationships and to ask themselves why they appear to attract violent, nasty men into their lives. It happens to many of us and the only way to deal with it is to recognise the red flags when they appear and to walk away immediately.

The book and course recommended to you above are excellent and will really help. The posters here are trying to help you too.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/01/2026 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Don't be so defensive. It's a valid question. You have been in more than one abusive relationship, it's important to understand where your model of relationships came from and why this feels normal and safe to you.

BuckChuckets · 13/01/2026 10:09

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 09:01

Yeah was told no with harbour referral so I applied to someone else myself it was a no because how long its been since it happened.
I have done a victim right to review on the case.
Just have to push. Shouldn't be this much of a fight to feel safe.

It shouldn't be, I'm so sorry OP. Once again a victim being let down by the system 😔

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2026 10:45

Viper

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. It’s nothing to do with your own father being deceased. That’s what I was getting at and it’s a perfectly normal question to ask when people have been in abusive relationships, it becomes a pattern.

BoldViper · 13/01/2026 12:53

@all
Prior to this relationship, I have had one ex that grabbed my arm, it ended immediately.
This relationship was while I was grieving, so yes i tolerated more, but he assaulted me, I left and reported it within 2 weeks. Then the system failed.
I will not have my parents blamed for what a horrible man CHOSE to do TO me.

I have 3 other exs to which I am friends with, who are genuinely lovely people.

I posted on here because I knew it was unacceptable, but he was attempting to convince me it was and that I felt how I did because I was grieving, I just wanted clarification from people impartial.

Case has now been reopened, it was never sent to CPS and inspector said it should have been.

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