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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please trigger warning violence/aggressive

80 replies

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:10

Hiya i need advice straight up honesty

Ive posted on here before about the same man that ended our relationship 8 days after I lost my father because it was too much for him
5 days later he came with apologies and sensitivity about how wrong he was and he just needed time.

Things continued but I'd found out he had been messaging other woman 5/6 month into our relationship, we have now been together 11 months and there has been nothing with other woman since. Although I did find out he had message a hooker on 2nd november and messaging numerous more woman than he had told me about but I chose to forgive him

We booked a holiday together with my children
While on holiday I'd found a message on his phone that he was with a woman on 9th March that he met on a night out, I waited for my children to go to sleep then asked him to come on balcony to talk this is where I brought it up. He denied it, I kept pushing for the truth and then my voice was raised he covered my mouth with his hand, I spat he then put his hand around my neck shouting in my face. I pulled his hand away he let go and went inside. I remained on balcony. He further came out apologising and asked me to come to bed. He seemed calmer so I did. I asked if he had ever done it before he said no.
I then told him I wanted to ask people and told him I has some of his numbers of friends and when I mentioned I had his ex wife number it was like he became possessed his hand once again around my neck pinned to the bed shouting in my face " what are you trying to do to me" "no wonder men have hit you in the past" he didnt grabbed me hard there was no bruise but enough to restrict me to pinning on bed.
I walked outside again onto balcony he followed a few minutes later I instinctively ran and hid under the table but he seemed calmer. I remained out there for even after he went back inside. He apologised profusely but then when I mentioned it he said hes never done it before and it was caused by me shouting. We flew back on Thursday evening and on the flight he had mentioned something personal that could have embarrassed me I said should we talk about something personal to embarras you he then said we had to finish because he didnt trust him self because of much I push his buttons and I replied so your blatantly telling me your going to put your hands on me again then I just ignored him the rest of the flight home.

He stayed at mine Thursday night then went to work Friday and went back to his. One minute he'll say its his fault the next he'll say its mine. Im so confused.
I haven't spoke to him for 24 hours he didnt message me last night asking if I was free to talk but I replied saying I wasnt frèe

Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.
Im posting here because I feel I need to speak to someone for clarity and if I go to my friends or family I know what they will say

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 24/08/2025 12:43

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:34

The relationship ended on Friday as soon as he left for work ive not spoke to him since. He messaged yesterday asking if I was free to talk I replied I was not

Block him.

Then take yourself out of the equation for a second and start thinking about your children while you book yourself on a freedom course because they deserve more than violent men.

Mildmanneredmum · 24/08/2025 12:46

I mean this very kindly, but when you say that the children aren't aware - they certainly will be

Pricelessadvice · 24/08/2025 12:51

FGS. I’m going to sound harsh here but I am sick of every other post on the relationship board being about a vile and abusive bloke and a weak woman with no self-respect making stupid decisions and not growing a backbone and leaving.

Do you thrive on the drama or something?

Mrsttcno1 · 24/08/2025 12:54

Really easy, after 11 months just block his number and you never have to see him again. Consider it a bullet dodged, find a good therapist for yourself, look into the freedom program and for now stay single.

Hedonism · 24/08/2025 12:56

Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.

Fucking hell. I hope he's not going to be the one teaching my 17yo daughter.

MySweetMaggie · 24/08/2025 12:56

I don't have capacity for someone who brings this level of chaos and pain into my life.

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:59

Pricelessadvice · 24/08/2025 12:51

FGS. I’m going to sound harsh here but I am sick of every other post on the relationship board being about a vile and abusive bloke and a weak woman with no self-respect making stupid decisions and not growing a backbone and leaving.

Do you thrive on the drama or something?

Yeah I absolutely thrive on it all you sound like him

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 24/08/2025 13:00

With the greatest care and respect OP please leave this man alone - he has hurt you, will continue to hurt you and it’s only a matter of time until your children are hurt by his actions too.

There is nothing you could say or do that would justify his behaviour to you. Reading your post is very clear that he is both emotionally and physically abusive and trying to lay the blame for his behaviour and actions at your door.

Even without the abuse he’s a liar and a cheat - he has absolutely no redeeming qualities that I can see.

What is the point in putting time and effort into a man who you can trust, who will gaslight you, emotionally abuse you, who will put his hands on you??? How can you ever feel safe? How can your children ever feel safe?

Please leave this man in the dust where he belongs.

RosesAndHellebores · 24/08/2025 13:03

@BoldViper if a man threatens you, you leave
If a man is unfaithful to you, you leave
If a man has a toxic history, you leave
If a man makes you scared and unhappy, you leave
If an humiliates you, you leave

If you seriously think this relationship is still a good idea because for some reason you love him, as you have children, please do me a favour and pm.me your personal details, and for the sake of your children, I'll report what's been going on to social services.

Even if you have zero self respect for yourself, ffs, think not the impact on your children. Stop facilitating dangerous for them if not for yourself.

trythisforsize · 24/08/2025 13:13

A man never strangles a woman 'just once'.

You said yourself he did it twice in one evening.

If you stay with this abusive man you are allowing your children to be abused. Child abuse is subjecting your children to a violent and abusive partner. Children's Services will put them under a Child Protection Order until they are convinced you are capable of protecting them.

Is that what you want?

BuckChuckets · 24/08/2025 13:14

@BoldViper Ive promised I wouldn't tell anybody because hes worried it could affect his business (self employed driving instructor) he has to do a yearly DBS.

This is all the more reason to report him. The whole point of the DBS is to protect vulnerable people, don't you get that?

pikkumyy77 · 24/08/2025 13:16

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2025 12:18

Abuse thrives on secrecy and you are in abusive relationship with this violent man. How can you be helped into leaving him for good because he could have easily killed you.

Why did you choose to forgive him
initially?.

This. On repeat. How can we help you?

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 13:24

No your right right now I dont feel safe i feel wrecked. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves. Im home my boys aint they are hav8ng what they think is a fun sleep over with my brother and his wife and children where I know they'll be safe. He's never been violent until the 18th I came back off holiday the 21st I kept the peace until we all got back safe as of then they have been with my family. Before the 18th when all 4 of us were on holiday there was a few messages to woman from the beginning of the relationship
How does that make me the terrible mother im being made to sound like?

OP posts:
Louisetopaz21 · 24/08/2025 13:28

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 13:24

No your right right now I dont feel safe i feel wrecked. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves. Im home my boys aint they are hav8ng what they think is a fun sleep over with my brother and his wife and children where I know they'll be safe. He's never been violent until the 18th I came back off holiday the 21st I kept the peace until we all got back safe as of then they have been with my family. Before the 18th when all 4 of us were on holiday there was a few messages to woman from the beginning of the relationship
How does that make me the terrible mother im being made to sound like?

Nobody is trying to say to are a terrible mother but if you continue with this relationship you are not putting their safety and needs first. People are trying to support you as you are still downplaying it. Get in touch with the police as you need support with staying safe and also to protect other women who might get into a relationship with this man.

Littlebitpsycho · 24/08/2025 13:29

We're not saying you're a terrible mother, we're saying to avoid being a terrible mother you need to block him instantly and never ever see or speak to him again. Its only if you allow his behaviour to continue that your parenting would be in question - because your kids WILL know. Trust me. They will

trythisforsize · 24/08/2025 13:32

I agree with @Louisetopaz21 , reporting to the police is the best thing you can do right now to keep yourself and your children safe.

They don't need to take any action right now at all, they know that talking to him could put you in danger - but it needs to be logged so they can flag that you may be in danger and if you have to call them again, they'll be with you in super quick time.

Seriously, protect yourself and your children.

He tried to strangle you - twice.

fthisfthatfeverything · 24/08/2025 13:41

Op
this man is a monster, possibly in sheep’s clothing some days.
You are not compatible together.

There’s nothing else to say here.
You know what you need to do, you have children ffs. How long before they “push his buttons”?

Think of your children!

Cartwrightandson · 24/08/2025 13:45

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

Free living with the dominator book. Read it, understand his manipulation and has lighting techniques and get rid of him

Gerwurtztraminer · 24/08/2025 13:50

OP, a quick google about this type of domestic vioence will come up with this:
"Non-fatal strangulation and choking are a strong indicator of future violence and homicide risk for women, with a victim being seven times more likely to be murdered by their partner after an incident. The act is used by perpetrators to establish power and control and can cause serious internal damage, such as brain damage, stroke, or death, even with little to no visible injury. "

Please, please end it before he escalates. Don't run the risk of your children losing their mother, you are all they have.

But do take care in ending it, as you have said, this is a very dangerous time for you. I think you MUST report it it the police and get a marker on your home so that if you need to call police at any time they know to treat it as an emergency. Don't feel an obligation to protect him from any consequences like the DBS for his job. He has brought this on himself, you have donne nothing wrong.

As for the future, you ned to get some counselling / do the Freedom programme to help you recognise healthy relationships and learn how to avoid the wrong sort of man.

Pricelessadvice · 24/08/2025 13:56

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 12:59

Yeah I absolutely thrive on it all you sound like him

Well you’re not doing yourself any favours because if you truly didn’t want all this ridiculousness and abuse, you’d leave.

Take a hard look at your life and decide if this is really the way you want to live.

Endofyear · 24/08/2025 15:11

OP this is a man who has let you down, messaged other women behind your back and has now been violent towards you. I'm frankly baffled as to why you are still with him and would allow him anywhere near your children. For goodness sake take some responsibility for your own safety, and your children's. You need to end the relationship and NEVER see him again.

BoldViper · 24/08/2025 15:23

Hang on have i not already stated the relationship has ended 2 days ago. I said it was hard yes, I said I still love him yes. I did not say its want him in my life i was looking for advice of the next steps to take as he knows where I live. Most responses I get but some are just purposely savage 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 24/08/2025 15:25

I think most people are advising you that your next step is to make a report to the police to get the violence logged.

So, are you going to?

Zanatdy · 24/08/2025 15:32

This man can kill you. I wouldn’t hesitate to report him. If you didn’t and he killed a young person in his care as they angered him, how would you feel?

Endofyear · 24/08/2025 16:12

Make sure you have secure locks on your doors and get a ring doorbell. If he comes to your house, call the police.