Little White Lies

[McCurly]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and wanted to get some opinions as I don't often trust my own judgement.

After a disastrous 10 year relationship I met this guy who I have been with for coming up 2 years. He is kind, sensitive, caring and loving which is a million miles from my last relationship but I keep catching him out in let's say "little white lies" and I don't know if I should be bothered about it as much as I am. My ex lied but big lies like where he was and having online affairs and I don't think this guy is like this at all.

We live a few hours from each other and normally spend long weekends together every month or so and we have great communication when we're not together.

The first ones that I know of was a few months ago when he said he had been into town and got me a gift and then 3 weeks later when we got together I waited a few days and asked him about it, he said he forgot to bring it but I since found out he didn't get anything at all but was thinking to get me something.

Next was a local shop to him sell the most amazing cakes and he said he would get some and bring them next time, again he said he had got them but rushed out and forgot to bring them, again I since found out he actually didn't have time to go and get them.

Next was we went away for a weekend with friends and he arrived 6 hours before any of us, as usual I asked him if he'd gotten some food and told me he'd called into mcdonalds and just got a burger, friends for some reason also asked him if he'd eaten and he said yep I've been to mcdonalds and had a meal and a couple of extra burgers as I was so hungry. This is when I started to clock on to his little lies and asked him, he said he didn't want me to think he was being fat by having so much food.

He has recently been given some medication by the doctors and for some reason lied about the dosage to me and then today he went to the gym and I asked if he'd had food and he said I jist had a breakfast bar, I said that's not a lot babe and he says oh and I had a yogurt. I know he didn't have a yogurt at all as there were only 3 in the fridge and there are still 3 so I asked him and he said he told me that to make me feel better so that I didn't worry about him.

It's really small stuff but I really hate lies and he says sorry but then also says cmon babe don't tell me you never lie to me, I was like no actually I don't.

I'm not in a great mood with him right now and he's trying to brush over it with small talk and has since walked out the house and said stuff this I'm going out, I'll get a hotel or something.

I hate the expression little white lies because to me it’s minimising and infantilising dishonesty.

However I don’t see those scenarios as small lies - that would be ‘yes your hair looks nice’ or ‘of course I like your dress’

This man seems to be a habitual liar and imo anyone who can lie so easily about meaningless crap will aloud lie about huge things without breaking sweat

Lies are a deal breaker for me so in your shoes I would be long gone.

I would end this one. It will only get worse . He’s not even lying to cover anything up (yet) he’s just lying for lying’s sake which is weird . You’ll never know if you can believe anything he says and it will become an absolute head fuck .

A lot of those ‘little white lies’ see to be around food. How is his relationship with food generally?
Is it possible that he has had a bad relationship with that in the past / currently? And that’s the root of the problem and why he feels that he needs to cover things up?

I just don't understand it and is already becoming a head fuck. After getting to know this "gentle giant" for the past 18 months he is definitely a people pleaser and he's doing that to me also.

I gave my ex one too many chances thinking it would change and it just got worse but he was an arrogant son of a bitch and this guy is kind, caring, loving and giving.

I dont like the expression little white lies either but sometimes I fear I'm being too harsh.

@CaffeinatedSeagull he has a good relationship with food, he eats well. Not always healthy but well. He often tells me he wants to diet and cut out the crap but rarely sticks to it. Sometimes I try to remind him like today living on a breakfast bar all day is not good for him. He says he takes what I say on board but he doesn't.

I care what he eats but also couldn't give two craps about him having a large meal at mcdonalds and some extra Nuggets, not like I'm gonna go mad at him about it. He would of happily eaten the cakes but he forgot to bring them but choose to lie to me and said he had left them in the fridge. On asking he was truthful but why lie in the first place.

I feel like he's taking away my right to an opinion when he tells these lies to appease me.

I wouldn’t like it either. I’d have the convo of No More Lies.
He does it again and it’s game over. What’s all this hotel shite, why would he not just go home if you’ve fallen out. Do you live together now?

The reason being that when the lies roll off their tongue about silly things before you know it they are lying about who they were with on Saturday night while you were at home thinking they were too as that’s what you were told.

@RentalWoesNotFun thank you, we already had that talk last week when his last little lie appeared, I got upset with him and he promised only honestly from now on but here we are again today.

Now I feel I'm being pathetic over a little yogurt and he says I don't miss a trick do I....

He's here at mine for a few weeks as he has some time off work and we thought it would be good to spend an extended period of time together, I have had a lot going on recently and he said he wanted to come and help out.

From my experience little fibs excessively show that they are capable of lying about anything and before you know it the bigger lies filter through. I'd have a conversation - no lies -not even fibs and if he does it again, which I think he will, end game.

Oh fuck that then. Na. Little lies turn to big lies quick. Nope nope nope

I know he thinks I am overreacting about a bloody yogurt, he sees them as small lies to make me feel better about myself, I'm 43 years old, I don't need appeasing. I can't stand it.

Worth the break up? as I know I know I won't be able to stand this on a long term basis.

Him staying with you for a short while might be the best thing for you. At least this way you will 100% know the extent of and how often he lies.

If he feels he needs to lie about the little stuff, then he’ll have no problem lying about bigger and more meaningful things either. A massive red flag, so move on.

He swears he will never lie to me about big stuff, and I believe he wouldn't even do anything like cheat and that anyway, he's too loyal.

Anyway I've just had a message to say he's leaving tomorrow and would appreciate if he could stay on the sofa so I suppose that's that.

I got into a sunken fallacy cycle with my ex and I don't want to do that again even though I "thought" he was the one. Discussions of being there for each other no matter what, getting married.

Funny how it can all be gone in the blink of an eye.

I just broke up with someone for lying. These lies are just the ones you have spotted.

I really hate little white lies too. If I know you're lying easily and regularly, how do I know that anthting you say is true?

However, I think people mostly do it to keep loved ones happy or to make them think better of them.

I'd say I never lie, but it's not really true. I'll make an excuse that maybe has some truth but not the whole truth. I'll avoid giving an honest answer so as not to offend.

Even though I know all this I still hate it.

Ditto. I dated a man who told silly little lies about pointless things but I overlooked that because he was so genuine and loyal - turns out he was still meeting up with and probably shagging his ex
So yeah for me now any lies are a deal breaker - if they can lie about nothing they can lie about everything

@Nosdacariad was that your reason to break up, the little lies?

@Zipzaps I totally get it, I told one to my mother today that the birthday balloons were still in tact as I knew she'd put a lot of effort in to arrange them and she would be upset.

So am I being a hypocrite here, I genuinely can't think of a time I have lied to him, big or small.

Not only a compulsive liar, but he's immature as well. He can't stand the fact that you have caught up on his habit of lying so now he wants to go away instead of facing up to what he's done and prove to you that he can do better. He doesn't sound very invested in the relationship so just let the lying twat go away.

There is a difference with little white lies to not hurt someone's feelings, for example saying "Dinner was great" when it wasn't and just bare faced lying for his own sake.

He is doing the latter. Those lies where about him holding up an image of himself that isn't true. He bought you a gift. False! He bought you cake. False!

It all shows a lack of integrity. I think if you were to dig a little deeper with this one, many more lies would come to the surface.

People pleasers who frequently tell small lies "so you don't worry", or because they "just want you to be happy" are capable of lying about much bigger things. I had one of those, and it transpired he had enormous hidden debts, which I only found out about after he'd moved in and bailiffs had tracked him down. I'm sure he didn't want me to worry, and he did want me to be happy, but he also robbed me of the ability to make an informed choice about the sort of relationship I wanted to be in.

That's how I feel that he's robbing me of an opinion, if I'm hurt that he said he got a gift and didn't I should be allowed to be hurt...

It just seems like such small petty stuff and I'm trying to decide if it's worth throwing down the drain what we built so far. He has met all my friends and family and everyone loves him. He's kind and generous and some take advantage of his nature I see this regularly, instead of just saying no he will lie to them and tell them he's not home for example, we all do it, I know we do but I don't see it as a good thing in a romantic relationship.

Oof! Just had similar but minus the bailiffs (so far).

I didn't think it was relevant, I was protecting you, I had it under control...

Yes. Well they were big lies we broke up over but if you value honesty, which you and I do, how can you be with someone who you can't believe?

Oh, yeah... I had all of that too. Ugh.
He's long gone now, but it took me 5 more years and several more big lies to get rid as he was so lovely and kind on a daily basis, and I had empathy for his bad upbringing that conditioned him into being a people pleaser. I'm no longer a mug.

I would chuck this one back. I dated someone once who lied about the most stupid, small and trivial things that I constantly turned a blind eye to believing it was harmless. Turned out that she was lying about having a whole double life with another partner on the side. Never again.

I married a weak, white lying, people pleaser. Turned out 25 years later to be a covert narcissist. You can't trust him OP, he thinks lying is perfectly normal, I'd recommend that you run a mile.