Little White Lies

[McCurly]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and wanted to get some opinions as I don't often trust my own judgement.

After a disastrous 10 year relationship I met this guy who I have been with for coming up 2 years. He is kind, sensitive, caring and loving which is a million miles from my last relationship but I keep catching him out in let's say "little white lies" and I don't know if I should be bothered about it as much as I am. My ex lied but big lies like where he was and having online affairs and I don't think this guy is like this at all.

We live a few hours from each other and normally spend long weekends together every month or so and we have great communication when we're not together.

The first ones that I know of was a few months ago when he said he had been into town and got me a gift and then 3 weeks later when we got together I waited a few days and asked him about it, he said he forgot to bring it but I since found out he didn't get anything at all but was thinking to get me something.

Next was a local shop to him sell the most amazing cakes and he said he would get some and bring them next time, again he said he had got them but rushed out and forgot to bring them, again I since found out he actually didn't have time to go and get them.

Next was we went away for a weekend with friends and he arrived 6 hours before any of us, as usual I asked him if he'd gotten some food and told me he'd called into mcdonalds and just got a burger, friends for some reason also asked him if he'd eaten and he said yep I've been to mcdonalds and had a meal and a couple of extra burgers as I was so hungry. This is when I started to clock on to his little lies and asked him, he said he didn't want me to think he was being fat by having so much food.

He has recently been given some medication by the doctors and for some reason lied about the dosage to me and then today he went to the gym and I asked if he'd had food and he said I jist had a breakfast bar, I said that's not a lot babe and he says oh and I had a yogurt. I know he didn't have a yogurt at all as there were only 3 in the fridge and there are still 3 so I asked him and he said he told me that to make me feel better so that I didn't worry about him.

It's really small stuff but I really hate lies and he says sorry but then also says cmon babe don't tell me you never lie to me, I was like no actually I don't.

I'm not in a great mood with him right now and he's trying to brush over it with small talk and has since walked out the house and said stuff this I'm going out, I'll get a hotel or something.

He says, I'm treating a lie about a yogurt as if he's cheated on me and that every relationship has small lies here and there.

I can't think in the time I've known him that I have told him any lies...

Maybe I'm wired differently, maybe I'm scorned from my exs BIG lies but I do feel in the right to be upset about it also as its not the first time.

DARVO is a manipulative tactic where a perpetrator Denies their wrongdoing, Attacks the accuser, and Reverses the victim and offender roles, essentially flipping the blame onto the actual victim. This psychological strategy is used to avoid responsibility for harmful behaviour,

I'd let him go. How could you have a good relationship with him, never knowing whether he is being honest or not, even about inconsequential things? You'd spend your time second guessing him, and yourself. Like shifting sands.

Blimey, you sound like hard work. So what if he wanted you to think he only had one hamburger but he actually had a meal 🤷‍♀️ I do that with DH sometimes and he does it to me, no biggie. He’s not really your boyfriend anyway if you only spend ‘long weekends together every month or so’. He’s just a fuck buddy. Maybe find someone else and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Appreciate your input, it's not just the hamburger though is it, it's often little lies for absolutely nothing. I don't understand the sense in this. I'd be interested to know why you choose to do that? I'm not hardwork I just have my own personal boundaries right. Also it's a long distance relationship not a fuck buddy ffs.

@twistedwonder I understand this, but for him he's said he's sorry and wanted to move on where I'm stuck in the we need to get to the bottom of this.

This post reveals the truth though. He’s under the weather. You are supporting him by having him hang out at your house, helping him find direction and stay upbeat.

Even so, he’s blaming you for being unsupportive and caring about being lied to. He’s blaming you for his mistakes. He’s angry with you for saying you don’t like it.

I would have been on the ‘give him another chance, he may not even realise what he’s doing’ side of things. He could do some therapy to understand what he does and why. But he’s not taking on board that this is a problem for you. He’s just blaming you for caring.

So it’s a no from me. Let him go.

I’ve been out with 2 ‘liar liars’ - one was a pretty nice guy tbf but I find it a complete headfuck as nothing about any conversation is real in the end, so I even felt it didn’t matter if I said what I’d been actually been doing today or if I made up a story about my day, which is weird and I don’t want to be that person. But it’s pointless listening to and answering lies as well - I thought why am I bothering, might as well read a better written book! He did say it was automatic (from childhood) because he didn’t like people knowing stuff about him - what like you had tea at the crown not the arms - baffling!
Other guy lied about absolutely everything so there was the above and then the affairs on top. I remember cracking my numberplate and he text to say he’d ordered my replacement and would put it on at the weekend. Well he hadn’t - I knew this would be so - but had been stuck wondering if I go like I believe him or just order my own like I totally don’t - he didn’t like me thinking he lied. I thought with him it must be an awful trouble trying to recall and continue so many stupid lies.
If you don’t like it now, or can’t cope with it now, then it will only feel worse over time - he won’t stop as he has a completely different mindset about it and decades of behaving like this.
I know a couple of folk who are fine about their partner lying - one calls it out (embarrassing for everyone) and one ignores. I’ve met those who join in the porkies but that, for some reason, gives me an unutterable ick - couples that lie 🤢

You’re not his therapist so why do you need to get up the bottom of this?

You’ve only known this man a couple of years, he tells lies and then twists it onto you not being supportive?

As someone said up thread, women are not support creatures for men with issues. What about you? Is this his you want to live?

My boss (who I am close to and have known for many years) is a default small lier. It's crazy to listen to him do it - if a lie will make his life 5% easier (and he thinks he will get away with it) then he says it, even if the truth is fine too, just marginally less optimal.

I also happen to know he's had an affair... so make of that what you will.

Thank you for all sharing your stories, I'm ready to let him go and go and sort himself out. As for me I've been here before and I'm not doing it to myself again. Spending days questioning my own judgement.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply. Love ❤️

Dear all, I wondered if I could reopen this thread instead of starting a new one that anyone who contributed to the OP would be willing to give me some guidance. I don't have money for Therapy and I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends and family about it as I leant on them all so much coming out of my last relationship.

So update on this -

I haven't seen him since he left, we have kept in contact but are having a very stale relationship and hardly any conversation.

I told him I needed time and no pressure from him to process everything and see if I could move forward. He is very placid and chilled and said it wasnt a problem, I then went through a deep depression for a few weeks. I am 43 and just feel a little bit "lost" in life. I dont have any children, it wasnt possible after 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past before I met this guy, IVF wasnt really an option as my ex didnt want to do it and then we broke up. Ive never been married, I wasted 10 long years on my ex, taking him back more times than I ever should have. My depressive episodes always starts with me thinking, "whats the point" what am I doing all this for, working hard, running my business, just the daily grind and for what.

When I met my current boyfriend he seemed so different to any of my past stories but I cant past these small white lies. I am currently sitting on tne fence and one minute thats it im done with him, he crossed my boundaries and isnt taking much responsibility for it apart from being "sorry". I dont know what im expecting but something more than sorry might help...

Then an hour later im back in my head saying to myself, for god sake it wasnt that bad, hes a nice guy, he made a mistake move on from it.

But then more things, we had planned he eventually move here but since all of this has happened Ive got massive doubts about living with him. He can be very clumsy around the house and when hes around I feel like im being "mum" and its not attractive, he says hes independent and can look after himself but I dont like the way he does things when hes at mine. Wet gym clothes in the washing basket, Toothpaste up the mirror, not "seeing" the bin needs taking out, shoes thrown under the stairs. Im not a clean freak but i like my home to be tidy and looked after. I tried talking to him about this and he ends up saying im nagging and constantly on his back to do things how I expect them to be done.

I dont understand is this just something I need to put up with, are all men like this as I hear quite often or am I expecting to much and being unreasonable.

He knows ive checked out and i dont know if I cant get that spark back. The only way I can describe it is what he did sent me down this self discovery path where im looking everyday more at myself and the decisions ive made in the past and im looking behind me and hes at the end of the path waving, waiting for me to come back and the more days that pass the further away I get.

Im sick shit of starting new relationships and they all seem wonderful at the start and always for me seems to turn to shit. His lies werw so small and ive really made a meal of this, its like I just know its gonna happen again and im not willing to wait around for that day.

Sorry, that was long. Even it helped me just get it all out of my head :(

I just read the thread. I'm recently single, 3 days and boy does it hurt, one reason was the little lies.

With the McDonald's lie that is kind of understandable, no one wants anyone to think they're a greedy pig! So lying by omission is probably ok-ish in this instance. But, the other lies about I bought you a gift, I bought you cakes etc when they simply haven't done it. Why tell the lie in the first place? Did you ask for a gift or cakes, were you expecting anything? No, at least not until he told you that he had bought you something. So WTF say it in the first place? Utterly baffling.

You don't sound you like it when he's around your place, but you're thinking of having him move in. You already have niggles. You can't change anyone, it simply isn't possible everyone, no matter how hard they try, reverts to type eventually.

Thank you for reading the threat and input, Would you mind sharing what kind of lies was your ex telling you, did you end the relationship because of this?

I think when he's a mine I just put up with it and try and keep on top of him to do better around the house but it was never a deal breaker but since this all happened I've spiralled into all these negative thoughts, almost convincing myself it ok to break up with this "nice guy".

I feel like he's taking away my right to an opinion when he tells these lies to appease me.

Youve put your finger on it. Hes prioritising his comfort in the moment over anybkind of reapectful, reliable communication between you.

None of these lies are about important things, bit the fact that he will lie to save himself even the teeniest bit of questioning (even of himself??) is important.

Yea you are right, I can't stand when someone takes my right to an opinion from me. I'm a reasonable person most the time but it makes me feel like I'm this nasty monster who's gonna shout at him if he had 2 sandwiches instead of one. It's pathetic.

He's promised he won't do it again but due to what I went through with my ex (secret online life) I just don't believe him.

Op I’m 2 weeks in to nc with my ex of 2.5 years mostly over his lies and lying by omission over his female ‘best friend’ . I’m your age and I feel like this was my last chance but even though i keep asking myself could I not have just put up with it as the relationship was otherwise good I know I couldn’t. And best it ends now than after we’d moved in together and I suspect your relationship would have been the same .

I realise this was responding to a post from a couple of months ago, but the point still stands.

Likewise you wouldn't have needed to "nag" (horrible sexist word generally only uttered by lazy men) if he had been respectful of your home in the first place, rather than just arrogantly assuming he could do what he liked and if you didn't like it you were "unsupportive of people wih mental health problems". I don't think chucking wet clothes in the laundry bin is something psychiatrists recognise as a symptom worthy of concern - but he certainly liked to make you feel guilty didn't he?

I'm sorry to hear that, sending you virtual hugs. It's really not easy, perhaps especially at our age. I honestly thought this was it, we talked about getting married one day, supporting each other through everything, moving in together and it could all just be gone as soon as I decide.

I've gotten to the point now where the thought of doing this all again with someone new in the future just makes me want to cry. All the effort that goes in and finally for nothing.

Yeah I think I’m more upset with this being yet another failure than over him as an individual although like I say he ticked so many boxes in other areas but I can’t be with a man who is wrapped around the finger of another woman . And I do wonder if what I found out was just the tip of the iceberg and god knows what else he was hiding . End of the day I couldn’t trust him and that’s no basis for a relationship.

Indeed, 2 months later and the relationship has dwindled to next to nothing, mostly from my side, he seems happy to keep plodding on and having meaningless conversations over messenger. I don't see too much effort from his side just that his sorry and it won't happen again. It's like I fell out of love but how so quickly over some matter so small.

The wet clothes is a small matter of a bigger picture as I've asked him several times to just throw them in the wash or dry them out but he doesn't take it on board and just laughs and says he forgot and don't be so hard on him.

You did the right thing for sure, no matter how much it hurts. You just can't build a relationship like that. You should put your partner above the rest I feel even over his female best friend. Not something I could deal with either. I hope things get easier for you. You can always PM me if yiu fancy a chat.

OP please just dump this guy, you will be forever wondering and thinking and not moving on the longer you keep yourself dangling like this.

My situation had more to it than the lies but they added to the whole thing. His lies were similar to yours, he said he had to go and pick something up for an anniversary gift. Something he had ordered and was going to collect. Utter shite he popped into the nearest glitzy shop and grabbed some candles and fancy matches. Admitted afterwards that he had straight up lied. Why? So pointless. And more damaging than just saying he had forgotten/hadn't bothered.

There were other things like massive over promising that never came to anything and so on.

It certainly wasnt a waste of time. I learnt about myself during the relationship. The first 2 years were amazing. We had amazing dinners out cooked together, great sex fabulous holidays. Then he did something that I struggled to come back from. He then kind of kept me at arms length through 'circusmtances' that he had control of but chose to take the path of least resistance on. Quite lazy and in ways selfish.

A shame. Am gutted. Bereft, but have had to knock it on the head, as we go round in circles and it is pointless.

I understand where you are coming from, the same from my side the little lies and a lot of over promising. We have just had a conversation on the phone and he's told me he doesn't just do it with me, he does it with family and friends too, most of the time to protect people's feelings and it's nothing malicious. For example he might tell me he's had 5 pints when he's had 7. I told him I don't want that in my life, I don't need protecting. He said he can't guarantee he won't do it again. So I suppose that's that.

Someone else he meets might accept it but I just can't, I think that mostly comes from my last relationship and thats not fair on him.

I'm totally honest with him about everything and he thinks it's all quite normal and says everyone does it, so perhaps I'm the odd one out!

Sorry for you and your circumstances, I suppose he could of done much better for you but went on a different path.