Little White Lies

[McCurly]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and wanted to get some opinions as I don't often trust my own judgement.

After a disastrous 10 year relationship I met this guy who I have been with for coming up 2 years. He is kind, sensitive, caring and loving which is a million miles from my last relationship but I keep catching him out in let's say "little white lies" and I don't know if I should be bothered about it as much as I am. My ex lied but big lies like where he was and having online affairs and I don't think this guy is like this at all.

We live a few hours from each other and normally spend long weekends together every month or so and we have great communication when we're not together.

The first ones that I know of was a few months ago when he said he had been into town and got me a gift and then 3 weeks later when we got together I waited a few days and asked him about it, he said he forgot to bring it but I since found out he didn't get anything at all but was thinking to get me something.

Next was a local shop to him sell the most amazing cakes and he said he would get some and bring them next time, again he said he had got them but rushed out and forgot to bring them, again I since found out he actually didn't have time to go and get them.

Next was we went away for a weekend with friends and he arrived 6 hours before any of us, as usual I asked him if he'd gotten some food and told me he'd called into mcdonalds and just got a burger, friends for some reason also asked him if he'd eaten and he said yep I've been to mcdonalds and had a meal and a couple of extra burgers as I was so hungry. This is when I started to clock on to his little lies and asked him, he said he didn't want me to think he was being fat by having so much food.

He has recently been given some medication by the doctors and for some reason lied about the dosage to me and then today he went to the gym and I asked if he'd had food and he said I jist had a breakfast bar, I said that's not a lot babe and he says oh and I had a yogurt. I know he didn't have a yogurt at all as there were only 3 in the fridge and there are still 3 so I asked him and he said he told me that to make me feel better so that I didn't worry about him.

It's really small stuff but I really hate lies and he says sorry but then also says cmon babe don't tell me you never lie to me, I was like no actually I don't.

I'm not in a great mood with him right now and he's trying to brush over it with small talk and has since walked out the house and said stuff this I'm going out, I'll get a hotel or something.

It's so sad to read that this relationship continued to limp along for so long. OP, he had you questioning your own boundaries, and I think most of us on the outside could see where this was headed from the beginning.

Boundaries are not limits we place on the behaviour of others, so endlessly trying to get him to stop lying was never going to work. Boundaries are the limits on what we will and won't accept in our lives, and so they are limits on our own behaviour.

I don't want dishonest people in my life, and so if someone routinely lies to me, I remove myself from that relationship, or (for friends) downgrade the relationship to 'acquaintance' status. I see them at social events and avoid anything one to one.

I don't ask myself why they lie, or try to fix it. They have one chance to stop lying, and then it's done.

It's the difference between locking your doors and windows, or instead leaving them wide open and sitting on the path, trying to persuade burglars not to steal from you.

No-one ever changes if they don't acknowledge they have a problem, and he kept on making it clear that he didn't believe his lies were a problem - it was your reaction that was the problem.

And when you have a liar, you don't know if anything they present is the truth. How do you know his whole demeanour wasn't an act and a lie? The way he decided to leave and go to a hotel in your OP did not seem to be anything other than an attempt to control and change your behaviour - to train you to accept his lies.

The man you thought you were in a relationship with very likely doesn't exist anywhere except in your head - a creation of the lies he presented as truth, that were too subtle for you to pick up.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but maybe that's good news in a way OP about him sleeping with someone else. The relationship was dead in the water but you were still tying yourself in knots about whether to try and get past this. Now the decision is made and you can start to heal.

Thank you for the last few messages, exactly what I needed to read.

@christmasfluff Since my ex I made my boundaries but you said it correctly when you said "Boundaries are the limits on what we will and won't accept in our lives, and so they are limits on our own behaviour" I know my boundaries but don't stick to them and always think they will see the light. Lesson learnt and time to pick up my bag and move on again.

@ButtonMushrooms 100% correct, he done me a favour in a way. I question if I'm doing the right thing or overreacting way too much. I have to learn from this.