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Original poster

Little White Lies

103 replies

McCurly · 21/08/2025 17:37

Hi everyone, I'm new here and wanted to get some opinions as I don't often trust my own judgement.

After a disastrous 10 year relationship I met this guy who I have been with for coming up 2 years. He is kind, sensitive, caring and loving which is a million miles from my last relationship but I keep catching him out in let's say "little white lies" and I don't know if I should be bothered about it as much as I am. My ex lied but big lies like where he was and having online affairs and I don't think this guy is like this at all.

We live a few hours from each other and normally spend long weekends together every month or so and we have great communication when we're not together.

The first ones that I know of was a few months ago when he said he had been into town and got me a gift and then 3 weeks later when we got together I waited a few days and asked him about it, he said he forgot to bring it but I since found out he didn't get anything at all but was thinking to get me something.

Next was a local shop to him sell the most amazing cakes and he said he would get some and bring them next time, again he said he had got them but rushed out and forgot to bring them, again I since found out he actually didn't have time to go and get them.

Next was we went away for a weekend with friends and he arrived 6 hours before any of us, as usual I asked him if he'd gotten some food and told me he'd called into mcdonalds and just got a burger, friends for some reason also asked him if he'd eaten and he said yep I've been to mcdonalds and had a meal and a couple of extra burgers as I was so hungry. This is when I started to clock on to his little lies and asked him, he said he didn't want me to think he was being fat by having so much food.

He has recently been given some medication by the doctors and for some reason lied about the dosage to me and then today he went to the gym and I asked if he'd had food and he said I jist had a breakfast bar, I said that's not a lot babe and he says oh and I had a yogurt. I know he didn't have a yogurt at all as there were only 3 in the fridge and there are still 3 so I asked him and he said he told me that to make me feel better so that I didn't worry about him.

It's really small stuff but I really hate lies and he says sorry but then also says cmon babe don't tell me you never lie to me, I was like no actually I don't.

I'm not in a great mood with him right now and he's trying to brush over it with small talk and has since walked out the house and said stuff this I'm going out, I'll get a hotel or something.

OP posts:
myplace · 20/10/2025 22:04

Nah. It wasn’t a small thing.

He was fundamentally unreliable, dishonest and workshy. He’s rather make excuses than pull his weight. He’d rather lie than let you know who he really is. He didn’t build a relationship with you, he just went through the motions- and half heartedly at that!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/10/2025 22:22

It's time to rip the plaster off. Stop torturing himself and bin him.

Hes a fantasist who can't take responsibility for his own actions. That's not a person to build a life with.

Original poster
McCurly · 20/10/2025 22:25

myplace · 20/10/2025 22:04

Nah. It wasn’t a small thing.

He was fundamentally unreliable, dishonest and workshy. He’s rather make excuses than pull his weight. He’d rather lie than let you know who he really is. He didn’t build a relationship with you, he just went through the motions- and half heartedly at that!

You are completely right! Now I feel that he didn't really show me who he is at all and now I'm questioning everything, did he even care as much as he said he did about me or was it just to appease me.

Actions speak louder than words and all I got from this guy is words and empty ones at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
McCurly · 20/10/2025 22:27

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/10/2025 22:22

It's time to rip the plaster off. Stop torturing himself and bin him.

Hes a fantasist who can't take responsibility for his own actions. That's not a person to build a life with.

Correct and thank you, it's what I needed to hear after tonight's conversation on the phone the plaster is off from my side, just gotta deal with the fall out. Never nice.. He will never understand why I broke up with him over this.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 20/10/2025 22:38

McCurly · 20/10/2025 22:27

Correct and thank you, it's what I needed to hear after tonight's conversation on the phone the plaster is off from my side, just gotta deal with the fall out. Never nice.. He will never understand why I broke up with him over this.

Show quote history

He doesn’t need to understand - you do it for you. Regardless of what he thinks, this is you taking control and telling him enough is enough.

BMW6 · 20/10/2025 22:42

OP - you've got "The Ick". His behaviours are putting you off. There's no coming back from that, he's blown it.

Original poster
McCurly · 20/10/2025 22:44

You see im having a difficult time with this one because he is a very good guy, he understands that we're all works in progress, flawed and imperfect. He does see my strengths and weaknesses, and loves me anyway. He's patient, kind, and empathetic and offers guidance and support when I stumble.

He honestly holds my hand through life's ups and downs and listens without judgment, and validates my feelings. He encourage me to pursue my dreams, and celebrates my successes.

BUT he lies to appease me and others.

OP posts:
Original poster
McCurly · 20/10/2025 22:47

BMW6 · 20/10/2025 22:42

OP - you've got "The Ick". His behaviours are putting you off. There's no coming back from that, he's blown it.

LOL I was desperate not to say or admit to myself it's given me the Ick but you are 100% correct, it's a huge turn off and when I think more about how he is when he's at my place it gives me the Ick even more and like you said I'm finding it difficult to return.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 21/10/2025 05:52

I also think I’ve got the ick with mine. When we’ve argued before over his lies and his ‘best friend’ I’ve always wanted to make amends and it’s always been me crawling back and apologising, whereas this time I don’t want him back . Not sure I could be in the same room as him. Whilst I’m sad about the relationship I think I’m done with him . Like you said op maybe these men will find someone else who will put up with the way they are but that’s not us.

BMW6 · 21/10/2025 06:17

Don't try and swallow the Ick, it'll make you sick..........

SparklyGlitterballs · 21/10/2025 06:56

It sounds as though this relationship has died a death so don't prolong it further OP. I doubt you could ever go back to the early days of what once was.

Aside from the lying (he's already failed his promise not to lie again so don't give a further chance) it sounds as though he has "task blindness" which is common in men. Not noticing when a bin is full and needs emptying, leaving his toothpaste up the mirror....it's weaponised incompetence. He'll just leave it knowing you'll do the jobs. It's probably a preview of what any life with him would be like - him being a bit of a lazy slob and you doing everything, whilst being accused of being a nag if you dare say anything.

DEAROP · 21/10/2025 07:44

I'd assume there was something about me that made him feel like he has to lie about small things. Particularly if he has his own baggage that means he tends to act this way. But it does seem like you interrogate him a lot to me.

Original poster
McCurly · 21/10/2025 09:17

DEAROP · 21/10/2025 07:44

I'd assume there was something about me that made him feel like he has to lie about small things. Particularly if he has his own baggage that means he tends to act this way. But it does seem like you interrogate him a lot to me.

I've asked him this and he said no, I've told him it makes me feel like it's me like he's worried he will upset me or ill go mad about it. I think I am a reasonable person or maybe I'm not then. His lies bother me as they don't affect me in any direct way at all, it's himself he's damaging so it annoys me he hides things or tells me differently to make himself look better.

I know I'm very observant, I don't know how to explain it well but the mood of another person or room can really effect me and I have strong intuitions.

OP posts:
DEAROP · 21/10/2025 09:21

McCurly · 21/10/2025 09:17

I've asked him this and he said no, I've told him it makes me feel like it's me like he's worried he will upset me or ill go mad about it. I think I am a reasonable person or maybe I'm not then. His lies bother me as they don't affect me in any direct way at all, it's himself he's damaging so it annoys me he hides things or tells me differently to make himself look better.

I know I'm very observant, I don't know how to explain it well but the mood of another person or room can really effect me and I have strong intuitions.

Show quote history

I don't think interrogating him about whether you interrogate him will work.

Someone wise but really irritating once told me that in order to foster a relationship where things like "white lies" are at a minimum, there are 2 key components.

  1. finding a partner who either doesn't have or has dealt with baggage that makes them prone to this behaviour.

  2. you having the ability to handle bad or disappointing news graciously.

Original poster
McCurly · 21/10/2025 09:22

fedup078 · 21/10/2025 05:52

I also think I’ve got the ick with mine. When we’ve argued before over his lies and his ‘best friend’ I’ve always wanted to make amends and it’s always been me crawling back and apologising, whereas this time I don’t want him back . Not sure I could be in the same room as him. Whilst I’m sad about the relationship I think I’m done with him . Like you said op maybe these men will find someone else who will put up with the way they are but that’s not us.

That's it, we can't force it if it's not right. I'm just scared to walk away as apart from the white lies and a bit sloppy round the house he's a really nice guy. He's made so much effort with my friends and family, helped me through a couple of tough times, celebrated my successes and cheers me on and then in the next breath I think is that all just to appease me too. Did he tell me he wanted to marry me and I was the one just to make me feel good.

Head fuck.

OP posts:
DierdreDaphne · 21/10/2025 10:32

McCurly · 21/10/2025 09:22

That's it, we can't force it if it's not right. I'm just scared to walk away as apart from the white lies and a bit sloppy round the house he's a really nice guy. He's made so much effort with my friends and family, helped me through a couple of tough times, celebrated my successes and cheers me on and then in the next breath I think is that all just to appease me too. Did he tell me he wanted to marry me and I was the one just to make me feel good.

Head fuck.

Show quote history

Absolutely a head fuck. It sounds like having a relationship with a jelly. Is he really there to catch you, or is he just a jelly in the convincing shape of a loving boyfriend.

How could you really feel secure?

Original poster
McCurly · 21/10/2025 14:26

After our conversation last night, I asked him if he wants to see each other to talk things through and he said he cant go through all it again and needs to take a step back for now.

Suppose it was all a fairy tale then as 0 effort here, probably for the best hey!

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 21/10/2025 18:11

@McCurly convo with ex last night. I dumped him for lies great and small.

I called him on a white lie, he said the problem was me because I take everything at face value.

I told him that's literally what happens in healthy relationships. No clue at all!

Original poster
McCurly · 21/10/2025 18:54

Nosdacariad · 21/10/2025 18:11

@McCurly convo with ex last night. I dumped him for lies great and small.

I called him on a white lie, he said the problem was me because I take everything at face value.

I told him that's literally what happens in healthy relationships. No clue at all!

Absolutely, I was going to say isn't taking everything at face value a good thing that shows trust and you haven't got to keep "questioning them"

They are so stupid!

OP posts:
Ahwig · 21/10/2025 19:27

An ex boyfriend did this to me. I’d ask what he did last night and he’d say he’d gone out with Mike for a drink to the black horse whereas it turned out he’d actually been out with Dave and they’d gone to the station tavern. I would have understood if he’d lied because he’d gone out with another girl but I didn’t know either of his friends so it made no difference to me. But eventually I couldn’t believe a word he said. He’d say oh they were only little white lies but they were the death knell for our relationship.

Original poster
McCurly · 21/10/2025 19:37

Ahwig · 21/10/2025 19:27

An ex boyfriend did this to me. I’d ask what he did last night and he’d say he’d gone out with Mike for a drink to the black horse whereas it turned out he’d actually been out with Dave and they’d gone to the station tavern. I would have understood if he’d lied because he’d gone out with another girl but I didn’t know either of his friends so it made no difference to me. But eventually I couldn’t believe a word he said. He’d say oh they were only little white lies but they were the death knell for our relationship.

Thank you for sharing, did you ever get to the bottom of why he told you white lies? He has told me he does it to everyone not just me and he does it to protect people's feelings.

I'm feeling very guilty this evening

OP posts:
Original poster
McCurly · 22/10/2025 23:53

Guess what guys! After all this bullshit he called me tonight and told me he cheated and slept with someone else 2 weeks ago! What a fucking mug I am.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 23/10/2025 01:39

you need to move on OP. The relationship had ended ages ago so not sure he was cheating

Desmodici · 23/10/2025 06:08

McCurly · 22/10/2025 23:53

Guess what guys! After all this bullshit he called me tonight and told me he cheated and slept with someone else 2 weeks ago! What a fucking mug I am.

The thing is, is that really true? The trouble with 'little white lies' is it means you don't know when the truth is being told. That statement could be a punishment for you 'making life difficult' for him.
Either way, this is clearly not someone you want a relationship with.
I'm so sorry things have turned out the way they have. Time to move on!

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 06:57

A relative of mine does this, lying even when there’s no reason to (not that lying is ever justified) if you ask him a basic question he will automatically lie. Apparently it’s linked to autism, because the liar has been scolded for telling the truth in the past and didn’t understand why so now they instinctively lie because they don’t know if the truth will get them in trouble.