Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

Nope, this is a strong good day OP.
Days like these can help bring clarity.

You need to be in touch with your anger, feel and articulate your fury.

How dare he treat you and his children like this, like bit players in his life, when he decides he's entitled to refresh his ego with a new leading lady.
The absolute cheek of him.
He doesn't deserve you.

Everyone deserves a pity day now and then. What he doesnt deserve is you. So dont let him see sad you, let him see you telling Jolene she can keep him, fool that he is.

How is the joint counselling going OP? Presumably not much progress on his side if you feel like this today?

It does come across like he's moping about waiting for a green light from her that may or may not come. If it doesn't materialise before Christmas maybe the cold reality of a Christmas away from his family could do it, if you can stomach a couple more months.

You're being strong and remember you have power and strength. You can steer the course of.how this goes, don't just wait for him to make choices.

This isn't a pity party, OP, this is anger. And anger is usually about boundaries being crossed. Allow yourself to feel it; to listen to it. Sending support. I have been so admiring of how you are navigating the complexities of a long marriage with a fatal flaw.

Like pp have said, this isn't a pity party. It's a Fury Fiesta! Good for you - anger brings clarity and momentum. Now is a good time to think about how you move forward. How do you want to express yourself, what do you need to say? What is your inner voice telling you about what you need?

Not a sad day. The day. Do what you want. He is a fool.
On my day of being angry, I rang the other woman's husband and it all came crashing down. A little crystal world they had built on the never evers and words.
Im sorry this has happened but now, what do you want to do? Its sad that it's not the shared life you thought it was or was going to be but now make it something else. What ever that something else is going to be will be a transition.

His selfishness about his hobby was already a big problem. Then his inappropriate behaviour about his ‘friend’. Now STILL prioritising friend and hobby over you and his DC. And seeking to defend himself to the DC, whom he has harmed.

No wonder your patience is wearing thin.

By the time I went to bed after the kids had gone to bed I just knew. No evidence other than him not being himself. Don’t ask me how, it just popped into my head whilst I was watching telly. I wasn’t even thinking about it.
Possibly the most hellish night of my life.

@Thewookiemustgo i completely get this, as I suddenly had a light-bulb moment with my ex husband. Female intuition at its best.

Definitely not a pity party. Seems like you found your anger. This is a good thing and I am sure many of us on this thread have been hoping to see it. Sometimes anger helps to keep us safe, to not put up with stuff we shouldn't be putting up with, to act in our own best interests when others aren't. I wish you well whatever happens.

Hé is playing with you.
Have you had a meeting with a solicitor with all your papers, yet to see were you stand?

The thing is OP, this can happen in any relationship, good ones, strong ones. We are humans. This shit happens. We all know that and so it can be hard to think we shouldn't try to salvage a long term marriage. But whilst there is always some resistance and denial (we haven't actually done anything that constitutes cheating, we're just friends) at first, the idea that you would seriously leave him and that he could actually lose you, that he has seriously hurt you, should have been the swift, icy-cold bucket of shitty water on the fantasy. Sadly, it hasn't been. When the 'oh shit what the fuck was I thinking I'm such an idiot' moment doesn't come quickly enough then even when the marriage does get back together it's never the same and in a bad way. When it gets back together after the very swift icy shit bucket moment the marriage is not the same but in a very good way. He's taken too long to have awareness of how he has hurt YOU and how that's the most important thing. He's selfish and immature and you have done more than could ever be expected of you to give him a chance to salvage things. You need your own (as opposed to couples) therapy to help you find the space to grieve and grow, preparing for this next chapter of your life with your head held high. You have done everything you could, way more than could ever have been expected. Now you you need to just be you. Now you show yourself and your children that self-respect does involve effort and compassion to accomodate others - those boxes are already ticked - but it also involves serious boundaries when it comes to refusing unacceptable behaviour from others and huge self-compassion. Now you need to look out for you.

Is he still doing the event with her that was mentioned and staying away with her?

same - it just popped into my head completely randomly one night, she was his best friends gf at the time too. At that time it was based on nothing at all, the ‘evidence’ came later. So weird how that happens!

It’s not a pity party OP, you’re processing, it’s progress.
From my own experience, my ex partner became the perfect partner after our upheaval, but I just couldn’t look at him the same way. It irrevocably changed our relationship and it reached a point where the comfort of familiarity wasn’t enough anymore.

@Cardinalita90 it's been good, but we're at a stalemate - the therapist is firmly in my corner. I just want to cancel the remaining session it at this point though. I wont, even if I end up there on my own.

I'm sick of hurting myself while trying not to hurt him by waiting for him to come to his senses. Because that IS what I am doing.

There is no other way - he has to cut her off.

She doesn't know anything, and is still not 'around' and they haven't seen each other. I believe him. Things have shifted and of course he's content with that, it helps him in his mission to have an easy life and things can get back to "normal". That isn't enough for me. It's just by coincidence isn't it. Not him making that active final decision. A precedent was set, things were said, and gifts and effort and emotions and promises - and too much time had passed with me in the dark.

If he'd have told me right from the beginning, and if he'd upheld his own boundaries there wouldn't be an issue - I would see that they are just friends with a shared interest - I would be cheering them both on. But lines were crossed, and lies where told and those lies have had a huge impact on me and what I thought our marriage was.

The anger was coming, but eventually triggered by an event this weekend. She will likely be there, (of course!). He is exited about it and has asked me to go. I would've absolutely supported him in the past, and do want to support him now. But I don't want to see her, I don't want to see him and her be friendly with each other. I don't want to engage with her. It has pissed me off.

I can't let it just taper off and evolve into something it should've been in the first place. I will go insane. Their relationship needs closure for me to look forward.

@Thewookiemustgo - absolutely you can use at your leisure!!

It's exactly what it feels like to me. He's just staring down into it at the moment, waving.

I think you have articulated it very well there @FourAndFive Could you message him with what you have said and add a final —“If you cannot empathise with how I feel and are not willing to draw a line in the sand with this friendship, by admitting your mistake both to yourself and her, then I can’t see a way to move forward in our marriage. Your priority should be your family and if you are not willing to prove this with your actions, I need to move on for my own peace of mind and to give our children stability.”

@FourAndFive thank you!
He needs a good kick up the arse that shoves him off the edge so that he can join you and see what it’s like down there from your perspective. He prefers peering over the edge because it allows him a selective view.
He convinces himself he knows exactly what this is, because he’s had a quick look, without having to risk the truth of what this really is by
examining it carefully without his blinkers on. He minimises and rationalises to himself: “Everyone has friends. Everyone has hobbies, therefore FourandFive is being incredibly unreasonable and I have done nothing wrong.”
He does this without acknowledging that the extent to which he prioritises his hobby and his ‘friend’ would be absolutely be viewed as inappropriate by everyone, and no, this is not what everyone does at all.

And urgghhhh….part of me would be tempted to go and to get some concrete perspective on it, but then a huge part of me would want to say I’m not going within a mile of that woman and until you do likewise and can see why that’s the appropriate course of action, we don’t have a marriage “
I’d be concerned (but I’m a chronic over-thinker to be fair) that they might have talked and concocted a “See? There’s nothing inappropriate about any of this. Nothing to see here ” scenario to present you with.
Your call, you absolutely know best and I’d be furious too.

I don’t understand though why she cut him off..and if she did, why would they be friendly with each other this weekend?

FourAndFive Why won’t you see a solicitor or have you? I can’t remember you mentioning it. It would mean you can play him at his game. Don’t wait for him to decide, it makes him be strong with a power over you, creating fear. Many people on this site have been through what you are going through, hell. It is the first step women should make so that they can make clear decisions for not only their futur but also cover the future of their DC. It doesn’t mean you will go through with it.

Sorry @FourAndFive but I don’t believe they are all cold turkey right now. You shouldn’t trust your husband.

All ducks lined up and ready.x

Is there a reason why she's suddenly cut him off?

Ah ok, thanks for the update. If therapy with an impartial third party hasn't brought him to his senses by now it's unlikely anything will. He's clearly unshakeable in his fanaticism about the hobby and belief his friendship is innocent. Even moving out hasn't brought it home yet.

As you say, finish the therapy for your own peace of mind but behaviour is a language. And he's telling you he's picked the hobby/her.