Help me process what to do about this friendship

[SquidProCrow]

I've got an old friend who I've known for 25+ years. I adore her: we really "get" each other in a way which is truly rare. We have similar ideas about the world, similar sense of humour, like many of the same things, have a long history together and have great fun together. Our DDs get on well, we've been on holiday together. She's part of my life.

She's always been flaky about making arrangements and meeting up. Since I've known her, she's prone to never confirming plans, changing plans at the last minute, taking weeks to respond to invitations, hedging her bets and dropping things for nebulous reasons and it often turns out she's chosen to do something else instead. I've come close to ending the friendship over this many times and have landed on a kind of stasis where I've accepted that this is "her" and that despite this she's still a loving and kind friend but this is the price of doing business. Because on a risk/reward benefit the pleasure of her company has outweighed the frustration of this behaviour.

But she's just done this again (for the second time this year) and I'm really at the end of my rope: a group of us, she, me and two other local friends, had planned to do a dinner this coming weekend and one of us messaged the group to check we were still all OK. This has been in the diary since early June and we've talked several times about what we plan to do.

Flaky friend replies in an embarrassed fashion to say she "might" be going camping instead but doesn't yet know. I messaged back to ask when she was going to know when she was going camping and that we could potentially move the dinner and she replied, sheepishly, that she's actually already decided she is going camping. So, not only has she dropped us for a better offer (again) but she doesn't have the balls to be honest about this and pretends she hasn't made up her mind, so presumably was expecting this to just quietly go away and not be asked again so she could go off camping.

Firstly I think its beyond rude, when you've got an arrangement in the diary with friends, to drop it for a better offer without explanation and I hate the fact that she does this so regularly. I can't see any excuses for this. Maybe I'm being really hardline here but I think its shit behaviour. If you commit to something with good friends you do it unless there's something genuinely unavoidable or its an offer you literally can't refuse. You don't just change your mind because someone is doing something more fun around the corner and hope you won't get called on it.

Secondly, if for whatever reason you have decided you have a better offer (for example if someone has offered you two weeks free in the Caribbean) you should be direct and honest about it, rather than dancing about the issue and expecting other people to wait while you pluck up the courage to tell them you actually have had a better offer. The sheepishness and dishonesty of saying she "might" be going camping but hadn't made up her mind annoyed me almost more than the fact she'd done it.

I'm really agonising about this. I don't want to be treated like an option rather than a priority by an old friend and increasingly this friendship feels like this. But I'm in my 50s and genuinely good friends are rarer than hens' teeth. I'm not going to call her out on it because I've done it before and it won't change, and I'm not going to block or flounce because its undignified. But I don't feel I can accept this stuff any more.

Curious as to whether this would be the last straw for others? Should I just let this friendship drift? Should I try to convey to her how much she's pissed me off? Or should I accept this as the terms of the friendship.

Presumably if you chose a better option (better for you) you’d communicate that directly with the people you are letting down?
Rather than waiting to be asked directly?

It’s quite easy to navigate a change of plan occasionally if you are honest and straightforward with those involved. Less so if you pull out and opt to lie low and hope they don’t notice.

I can live with people occasionally cancelling plans: we all do this sometimes. But it's a pattern of behaviour: she does this repeatedly and she does it in a very specific way: she never fronts up to the fact she's double-booked (which is usually what's happened), she always waits to be prompted on something she's previously signed up for before weaseling out in a slightly mealy-mouthed, sheepish and indirect way which leaves people wondering whether she's coming or not and having to chase her.

If she'd messaged us and said: "look I can't do this weekend any more, apologies but something's come up: really keen to see you all and can we reschedule?" I'd have been fine. It's the wishy-washy, non-committal way she basically tried to avoid saying she'd double-booked and left us all wondering whether she was going to turn up or whether we should rearrange.

Also I do think that if you've made a commitment to meet someone, as far as possible you have an obligation to keep to that commitment. "Flaking out" when you see people on a weekly basis is one thing. Flaking out when it takes weeks to get things in diaries and involves booking childcare and organising things is pretty shit. Call me old-fashioned but I think people can only do this once or twice without their friends losing trust.

Never a good idea to arrange dinner on a bank holiday for precisely this reason.

I'd be more inclined to let the friendship drift than confront a) because of your DC, who lives her, and b) because it leaves the door open if she should change in future. Meanwhile, for any group activities, if she's invited, dont remind her or talk to her about it beforehand, making sure it can go ahead without her. For one to one meetings, dont jnitiate, but if she approaches you directly, then do what you feel like, accept or not. Again no reminders or anything, making sure that if you accept and she doesn't turn up you're somewhere comfortable and safe! If she stands you up then you really know where you stand and can tackle it directly if she contacts you afterwards.

Losing friends can be very painful and you have my sympathies.

She handled it badly for sure.

i also agree that bank holidays tend to be more about going away so perhaps it was a tricky arrangement. She 100% should have said that eg not sure it’s the long weekend so might go away - let’s book something for sept …

I’d be upset too about this repeated behaviour. The thing is, up until now she hasn’t fully felt the consequences of her behaviour because she’s rearranged 1:1 at a time to suit her (when presumably she has nothing else more ‘exciting’ going on to tempt her away) and you have gone along with that. You’ve been exceptionally patient with her and been a good enough friend to explain to her how upsetting her behaviour is, but it’s had no effect. The reason for the lack of change is simply that she doesn’t want to do anything differently. She wants to have spontaneity, she wants to do exactly what she wants, when she wants and she wants everyone else not to be upset about that.

I think you’re doing the right thing by going ahead with the other friends. If she wants to rearrange tell her that you went ahead without her and if she is upset about that, just be clear that this is how it will be from now on because you haven’t got enough spare time or emotional energy to be dropped if it suits her. I’d make it clear that you’d love to carry on your friendship but not if she is going to keep you dangling on the end of a piece of string as if you don’t matter. Don’t keep picking up the pieces for her, she needs to see the personal co sequences of behaving how she does.

I'm surprised you're in your 50s. I started cutting out flaky friends way earlier than that. OP, I mean this kindly, but you sound like a bit of a people pleaser. Not wanting to cause upset/have a confrontation, and accepting crumbs from this person.

Walk away, block/delete if you feel it necessary (there is nothing "undignified" about this, it is simply a reaction to someone else's poor behaviour), and consciously make time and effort for people who respect your time and energy.

I’m not a fan of blocking and deleting people. Unless someone has been a real A grade arsehole I think its a very blunt instrument which completely erases any chance of a reset and life is full of grey areas. And I think it’s childish and melodramatic. So I wont be doing that.

Maybe I am a people pleaser. On balance I would usually rather give people the benefit of the doubt. But when I reach my limit I don’t usually go back.

I would drop her! If she doesn’t prioritise you don’t prioritise her. I had a friend of over 40 years and I ignored all the red flags over the years because I didn’t want to loose the friendship for various reasons. I’ve cut ties with her now and I wish I did it years ago. Spend your time with people who value you!

You can mute the chat if you dont want to block her. Op I dont like blocking either. I just cant be ass chasing friends that make zero efforts. Gave one 3 texts thats it now. No reply and not run after people.