Am I self sabotaging or right to now feel unsure?

[coronade]

Hi
I’m just looking for others perspective on my current relationship.

short back story, I was with my kids dad for 25+ years. He got progressively more emotionally abusive and was occasionally physically abusive. I was probably scared of him by the end. I did anything to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and rowing.
I finally got the courage to leave him when I found out he was cheating on me.
Roll forward a year and I start internet dating. What a joy that is in your 50’s.
i met someone and fell in love. We dated for 18 months but it became apparent that he was a compulsive liar, took drugs and was borderline alcoholic. I ended it when faced with another one of his huge lies. ( I know how to pick them).

so I’m 3 years on from this relationship. Dated lots online but not met anyone I clicked with who didn’t lie, wasn’t a cheater or just looking for a women with a house to retire to. It’s been very depressing to be honest but I haven’t given up.

4 1/2 months ago I met someone I thought I clicked with, he was funny, honest and seemed genuine. But I’m now having doubts. I don’t want to self sabotage and my worry’s are really just because I haven’t got all the ups and downs I’m used to in a relationship so it feels like something’s missing.

first thing I don’t like is he has a slight thing about me missing any hairs when I shave my legs and he has inspected them 3 times now and shaved off any I miss with his body trimmer. I don’t like my legs so him looking at them close up isn’t the best feeling.

Then this weekend we were going out with my friend and her partner.

I’d said I was going to wear my hair up(which I do 80% of the time) and he said “ohh I thought you’d wear it down, it looks nicer down”.
I went upstairs to get ready and my daughter straightened my hair so I wore it down and she did my make up. I was planning to wear a dress but as the weather wasn’t great I put on linen trousers and a top. When I came down all ready to go he looked at me and just said “I thought you was wearing a dress, you look nice in a dress” which made me feel I looked shit. I said the weather wasn’t great hence the change of outfit but he then said “I’m sure your friend will have a dress on” ( he’s only met her once and she actually wore jeans and why does what she wears matter!). I know I shouldn’t have changed but I did and once in the dress he said “ that’s better you look handsome now”.

I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to ruin the night. But the next day I told him he’d upset me (I didn’t mention the leg hair thing). He did apologise but then got defensive and said he wouldn’t bother saying anything in future. He was then very quiet all night.
When he got home he text me to say thankyou for a lovely weekend but added

“sorry l upset you and the fact l have has taken the shine off the weekend....” is this him saying because I told him I was upset I spoiled the weekend?

my other issue is that he doesn’t seem very interested in sex. We haven’t done it for 3 weeks which also makes me feel like he doesn’t find me physically attractive (he hasn’t got any ED problems). He does hold my hand and cuddle on the sofa but doesn’t seem to want sex.,,if I try and start to snog him etc he just sort of closes it off so I don’t bother. This is making me feel detached from him and like the spark is going.,

I really don’t know how I feel now. I don’t want to just stay with him because he's the first ok man I’ve met in 3 years but then am I just overthinking everything and looking for fault that’s not there or feeling that because it just jogs along it’s missing something.

would also add that he doesn’t own his own home or car ( but works) where as I do., so if we did progress it would be me buying a place for us to live in. I do worry about his too as I have met men just looking for someone with a house when they retire and can’t can’t afford rent.

sorry for the long post. I’m a terrible overthinker. I just don’t want to get it wrong again. Or throw away something that could be good because I have unrealistic expectations.

Nope chuck him back. He is definitely not a winner. He’s not interested in sex, criticises your hair and clothes. You are wasting your time.

You’re not overthinking. Throw this one back, you can do so much better. He’s already starting with controlling behaviour. It’ll only get worse.

He doesn't sound great to me. All of your concerns are valid, I don't think you are overthinking it. Dating as an older woman is hard but you don't need to put up with this.

The sex thing stood out for me. Less than five months in he is batting you down and you haven’t had sex for three weeks.? Nope, that and the other annoying stuff would make me send him packing.

Thanks. The sex thing is my main concern as in all my past relationships I’ve had a good sex life and normally at the start you can’t keep your hands off each other.
my friend keeps telling me I can’t have everything and I have to decide if I want someone I can trust whose dependable or a passionate relationship but it’s very up and down. She’s made me question wether I’m expecting too much. I know no one’s perfect but is it really too much to ask for passion and trust.
i thinks she’s probably just fed up of my disastrous dating life and wants me to be settled. But I don’t want to settle.

I did anything to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and rowing.

This is the bane of your life. You are not listening to yourself, you're overriding your feelings and you're putting up with frankly completely batshit behaviour.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to trigger physical abuse but you're meeting man after man with serious problems. There will be red flags but you're either ignoring them or can't see them.

For example, a man insisting he wants to inspect your legs and shaving off hair. This is beyond strange behaviour and it's very controlling. The correct response to him saying he wants to inspect your legs is "no". How he responds to that will be very telling but it doesn't matter because you should dump strange and controlling men.

I’m a terrible overthinker. I just don’t want to get it wrong again. Or throw away something that could be good because I have unrealistic expectations.

This is the mindset of someone who doesn't trust herself. It's the mindset of someone with a low bar who thinks they have unrealistic expectations. That's because your relationships have been so bad and abusive men have told you that decent behaviour is 'unrealistic'.

You need to finish with this man and do the Freedom Programme. It would also help to get trauma based therapy or therapy especially for people who've been in abusive relationships. Work on assertiveness skills and build up your self esteem. There are books and workbooks that can help you to do this.

Don't get into another relationship until you've done the work.

Don't settle for this!

Don't trust a man who... inspects your legs??!??!?!?!? 😬 and then runs a trimmer over them????!?!?!?!??

He sounds bonkers OP, sorry!

Just as well he's not great in bed! 😜

4.5 months in and he’s already starting to control you. He will continue to increase the controlling, slowly slowly as he feels more confident in the relationship. He is boiling a frog and doesn’t want the frog to realise it’s being boiled and jump out. Jump out of this relationship now before he turns the heat up anymore. You deserve better. Being alone will be better.

My word he’s controlling! Make it a rule of thumb to not stay with people who inspect your body for perceived flaws! Also - it’s skilfully manipulative control - he successfully got you wearing your hair how HE wanted, got you wearing clothes HE wanted, got you feeling guilty for bringing up disquiet, and has got you already feeling less confident around sex.
Oh, and it’s not an age thing, and your friend is wrong - you don’t have to settle for anything. My DH is 70 and we only go more than a week without intimacy if one of us is ill, he’s dependable but also respectful of my wishes/my autonomy, and he makes me feel beautiful constantly, and that he’s proud of being with me.

Yes I know. Reading it in black and white really hits home.

Inspect your legs???? What the actual fuck!! And then criticise the way you wear your hair & “please wear a dress”. Nope nope nope. Please don’t settle for this controlling douche bag OP

Friends aren’t in the relationship and experiencing the same feelings as you are. You don’t have to take their advice, go with your gut.
My friends thought I was being a bit too picky when I left a guy a few years ago who was simply nasty and insulting, and not hilarious as he thought he was.
One of my ‘friends’ is now dating him. And had to try and stop him from shouting and losing the plot when we went out for a meal recently because what he wanted from the menu wasn’t available. She puts up with him however badly behaved he is, I wouldn’t.
Do what feels right for you.

Nope you are not self sabotaging - he doesn’t sound like a catch and inspecting your leg hairs is just plain weird!!

Get off the dating sites and go to therapy it’ll be the best thing you ever do, I promise!

Honestly most men don’t really care or notice hairy legs on a partner in my experience, he sounds bizarre throw him back

He’s a controlling dickhead who doesn’t ever offer a good regular shag - why on earth would you want to pursue anything with him?

And you know it’s not compulsory to cohabit especially as you get older? And even more so if you’d end up a nurse with a purse to a cocklodger.

No other man has ever commented about my leg hairs so I really don’t think I’m that bad at shaving. I also have HRT patches that leave stubborn black sticky square marks. He keeps on about having to get them off too.

What @MiloMinderbinder925 said

He sounds bloody awful Op. Bin him ASAP.

That did make me laugh “cock lodger” I’ve not heard that before.
I’ve never lived in my own. Still have my daughter home now. Just not sure I’d like living on my own I suppose.

I am sorry, I didn’t get past he inspects your legs for stray hairs and then runs a trimmer over them. I would be telling him to fuck the fuck off for that alone. He should be counting his lucky stars to get anywhere near the temple that is your body, not criticising its maintenance. Seriously.
I have been single for over a decade and I am dating again, also in my fifties. I like being single too much to settle for anyone who does not add value to my life. I could not be doing with what you are describing. Just no.

Op, the correct response to this piece of work is to laugh in his face and kick him out with your hair leg, not to second guess yourself. There’s something very wrong with this guy and you’re just seeing the first bits of his controlling crazy.

Once you get used to living on your own you might love it. Lots of people do.

I thought chuck him from the shaving legs things (unless and even then it would be weird, he is a professional cyclist). I didn’t even read to the end.
Chuck him back.
Have you done the Freedom Programme? I really think you need to rebuild boundaries.

You don't have to stay with a man just because he hasn't given a big enough reason to end it yet. He can be honest, grnuine and nice enough but still not be 'right' for you and it's ok to end things because you just aren't feeling it. Don't be a passenger. Being alone is ok.

I also wonder whether he might be gay?

I've met critical men before (hell, been in relationships with them) that have criticised my clothes. But none have ever commented on my body hair or lacked the desire for sex. I suspect the overpowering desire for shagging blinded them to any body hair I had!

He seems very very picky. And has no room to be if he's got no housing security.

Bloody men. Massively over rating themselves as standard!