Hi
I’m just looking for others perspective on my current relationship.
short back story, I was with my kids dad for 25+ years. He got progressively more emotionally abusive and was occasionally physically abusive. I was probably scared of him by the end. I did anything to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and rowing.
I finally got the courage to leave him when I found out he was cheating on me.
Roll forward a year and I start internet dating. What a joy that is in your 50’s.
i met someone and fell in love. We dated for 18 months but it became apparent that he was a compulsive liar, took drugs and was borderline alcoholic. I ended it when faced with another one of his huge lies. ( I know how to pick them).
so I’m 3 years on from this relationship. Dated lots online but not met anyone I clicked with who didn’t lie, wasn’t a cheater or just looking for a women with a house to retire to. It’s been very depressing to be honest but I haven’t given up.
4 1/2 months ago I met someone I thought I clicked with, he was funny, honest and seemed genuine. But I’m now having doubts. I don’t want to self sabotage and my worry’s are really just because I haven’t got all the ups and downs I’m used to in a relationship so it feels like something’s missing.
first thing I don’t like is he has a slight thing about me missing any hairs when I shave my legs and he has inspected them 3 times now and shaved off any I miss with his body trimmer. I don’t like my legs so him looking at them close up isn’t the best feeling.
Then this weekend we were going out with my friend and her partner.
I’d said I was going to wear my hair up(which I do 80% of the time) and he said “ohh I thought you’d wear it down, it looks nicer down”.
I went upstairs to get ready and my daughter straightened my hair so I wore it down and she did my make up. I was planning to wear a dress but as the weather wasn’t great I put on linen trousers and a top. When I came down all ready to go he looked at me and just said “I thought you was wearing a dress, you look nice in a dress” which made me feel I looked shit. I said the weather wasn’t great hence the change of outfit but he then said “I’m sure your friend will have a dress on” ( he’s only met her once and she actually wore jeans and why does what she wears matter!). I know I shouldn’t have changed but I did and once in the dress he said “ that’s better you look handsome now”.
I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to ruin the night. But the next day I told him he’d upset me (I didn’t mention the leg hair thing). He did apologise but then got defensive and said he wouldn’t bother saying anything in future. He was then very quiet all night.
When he got home he text me to say thankyou for a lovely weekend but added
“sorry l upset you and the fact l have has taken the shine off the weekend....” is this him saying because I told him I was upset I spoiled the weekend?
my other issue is that he doesn’t seem very interested in sex. We haven’t done it for 3 weeks which also makes me feel like he doesn’t find me physically attractive (he hasn’t got any ED problems). He does hold my hand and cuddle on the sofa but doesn’t seem to want sex.,,if I try and start to snog him etc he just sort of closes it off so I don’t bother. This is making me feel detached from him and like the spark is going.,
I really don’t know how I feel now. I don’t want to just stay with him because he's the first ok man I’ve met in 3 years but then am I just overthinking everything and looking for fault that’s not there or feeling that because it just jogs along it’s missing something.
would also add that he doesn’t own his own home or car ( but works) where as I do., so if we did progress it would be me buying a place for us to live in. I do worry about his too as I have met men just looking for someone with a house when they retire and can’t can’t afford rent.
sorry for the long post. I’m a terrible overthinker. I just don’t want to get it wrong again. Or throw away something that could be good because I have unrealistic expectations.