Am I self sabotaging or right to now feel unsure?

[coronade]

Hi
I’m just looking for others perspective on my current relationship.

short back story, I was with my kids dad for 25+ years. He got progressively more emotionally abusive and was occasionally physically abusive. I was probably scared of him by the end. I did anything to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and rowing.
I finally got the courage to leave him when I found out he was cheating on me.
Roll forward a year and I start internet dating. What a joy that is in your 50’s.
i met someone and fell in love. We dated for 18 months but it became apparent that he was a compulsive liar, took drugs and was borderline alcoholic. I ended it when faced with another one of his huge lies. ( I know how to pick them).

so I’m 3 years on from this relationship. Dated lots online but not met anyone I clicked with who didn’t lie, wasn’t a cheater or just looking for a women with a house to retire to. It’s been very depressing to be honest but I haven’t given up.

4 1/2 months ago I met someone I thought I clicked with, he was funny, honest and seemed genuine. But I’m now having doubts. I don’t want to self sabotage and my worry’s are really just because I haven’t got all the ups and downs I’m used to in a relationship so it feels like something’s missing.

first thing I don’t like is he has a slight thing about me missing any hairs when I shave my legs and he has inspected them 3 times now and shaved off any I miss with his body trimmer. I don’t like my legs so him looking at them close up isn’t the best feeling.

Then this weekend we were going out with my friend and her partner.

I’d said I was going to wear my hair up(which I do 80% of the time) and he said “ohh I thought you’d wear it down, it looks nicer down”.
I went upstairs to get ready and my daughter straightened my hair so I wore it down and she did my make up. I was planning to wear a dress but as the weather wasn’t great I put on linen trousers and a top. When I came down all ready to go he looked at me and just said “I thought you was wearing a dress, you look nice in a dress” which made me feel I looked shit. I said the weather wasn’t great hence the change of outfit but he then said “I’m sure your friend will have a dress on” ( he’s only met her once and she actually wore jeans and why does what she wears matter!). I know I shouldn’t have changed but I did and once in the dress he said “ that’s better you look handsome now”.

I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to ruin the night. But the next day I told him he’d upset me (I didn’t mention the leg hair thing). He did apologise but then got defensive and said he wouldn’t bother saying anything in future. He was then very quiet all night.
When he got home he text me to say thankyou for a lovely weekend but added

“sorry l upset you and the fact l have has taken the shine off the weekend....” is this him saying because I told him I was upset I spoiled the weekend?

my other issue is that he doesn’t seem very interested in sex. We haven’t done it for 3 weeks which also makes me feel like he doesn’t find me physically attractive (he hasn’t got any ED problems). He does hold my hand and cuddle on the sofa but doesn’t seem to want sex.,,if I try and start to snog him etc he just sort of closes it off so I don’t bother. This is making me feel detached from him and like the spark is going.,

I really don’t know how I feel now. I don’t want to just stay with him because he's the first ok man I’ve met in 3 years but then am I just overthinking everything and looking for fault that’s not there or feeling that because it just jogs along it’s missing something.

would also add that he doesn’t own his own home or car ( but works) where as I do., so if we did progress it would be me buying a place for us to live in. I do worry about his too as I have met men just looking for someone with a house when they retire and can’t can’t afford rent.

sorry for the long post. I’m a terrible overthinker. I just don’t want to get it wrong again. Or throw away something that could be good because I have unrealistic expectations.

He is not a good man OP. For him to criticise one leg hair, how dare he? You are far better off living alone than with a controlling nit-picker like him. He will be forever niggling away at your self-esteem.

A man doesn't have to be physically abusive to be abusive. He is pecking away at your mind and your emotions. A good man does not control your clothing choices and other silly details. To use a favourite MN phrase throw him back. You deserve better.

I think a lot of women need to take this advice on board.

I can tell you something, if you lived with him you would wish you were living on your own. Honestly, I was almost laughing he was so awful. He wants to grind you down so that you are grateful to be with him so that you move him in so that he can live rent free. He's absolutely bloody awful. It's a really good practice to write things down like this because I think when you see it in black-and-white you realise how bad it is.

Another thing, he will absolutely hate the fact that you own somewhere and he doesn't. This will really get to him. He will punish you by living with you rent-free. I'm being serious about this.

I never lived alone until my DS went to college in 2021 - now I’d never live with another person again.

I dreaded the thought of being single and living solo - i absolutely love my peace and quiet and wish I’d known earlier how liberating it is.

This!!!

The first thing you have to learn is how to enjoy your own company. From experience, once you know you are thriving on your own, you can choose to bring someone else in if you want to, because you will make much more discerning choices, but if you aren't sure you'd manage alone you are massively at risk of making poor choices.
Work on doing stuff alone and enjoying it. Then only share your life with someone who is worth it, if you choose to.

Same advice I have given to my daughters - you need to learn to be on your own. You need to learn how to be happy and content on your own, then a good relationship will be one that adds to that happiness and contentment, rather than a lifeline so that you can avoid being an independent adult

I am pale skinned with dark hair I shave my legs on average once every 4 months, I always miss the hairs at the back, if a man checked my legs he would be kicked out the door.

It’s weird you say about him being gay as I said to my friend he watches Eastenders and she said the only men she knows who watch Eastenders are all gay! Sorry for the generalisation. Her brother is gay and happily married to a man.

Yeah. The list of things he does combined with the lack of desire for sex. I've never met a bloke yet that didn't want sex, EVEN if he had ED he wanted it but with performance anxiety.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and validating my feelings.
just writing it down and reading it back in black & white made me realise I’m right to feel how I do.
I remembered another incident when I’d had my hair done and sent him a pic and he said it looked nice. When I saw him later that day he said at me and said it didn’t look the same I’d messed it up after the hairdresser had spent ages making it look nice!

I will be ending it this week.

Believe it or not I am much better than I was and I’ve spent much of the last 3 years on my own (daughter is still at home but always out). I have got to the point that I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.

I’m normally much quicker at spotting the red flags now but I think I was clouded this time because he’s the first one in ages whose been funny and I clicked with and wasn’t a liar or previous cheater.

Definitely need to work harder on strengthening my boundaries and my self worth. Thank you all x

🚩 🚩 🚩 He is in the process of validating his control over you so he can escalate if you let him….inspecting your legs for missing hairs after shaving, making unasked for comments about your choice of hair and clothes (would you do that to him)? The quiet ones are sometimes the worst as they hide behind their (false) passivity. RUN.

Be as brief as possible when you end it because in my experience controlling and manipulative men don’t like you saying no. Just say it’s not working for you.
And be kind to yourself. You gave this one a chance and you noticed he was out of line sufficiently to post on here, and are taking the advice on board. You got this. Just remember you are worth more than what he is offering. Which is nothing but criticism. Actually nothing.

I didn’t even finish your post before the red flags were flashing before my eyes. Do not, under any circumstances, stay with this man. Please.

He’s not a nice guy he is negging tou. I think the ONLY way to tell is to push back in the moment - which is hard when you’re used to being on egg shells to keep the peace - but just say ‘get off my leg hairs you weird guy I don’t scrutinize you with a magnifying glass!’ And observe how they respond to your Nos and your boundaries. If they push back at all then they are not safe men. A safe decent man would be embarrassed to be called out, check himself and apologise and not do it again.

First of all NO don’t settle just because someone is less cheaty and angry etc. The obsession with appearance and control is worrying. The sex thing is incompatible, neither of you are wrong.

However I have found in life that a man who is passionate, charming, exciting, pushes your buttons both good and bad, gives you stomach flips doesn’t normally go hand in hand with trustworthy, chilled, dependable, not perving at other women etc. Sadly the stuff that attracts us is also the stuff that hurts us. Maybe because biologically we’re only meant to get their sperm and then they are meant to sod off.

And dont forget you have only known him 4 and a bit months so you dont know if he is a liar or a cheater. There really doesnt seem to be any reason, from what you have said, to stay with this man.

Well I phoned him this morning to end it. Tried to be brief just said my feelings had changed and my instincts were telling me it wasn’t right. But he kept on that he deserved reasons so I said why but apparently that’s him being nice and looking out for me not controlling. He would never do it now he knows it upsets me ( I have been upset in the past about him being horrible about large women when we are out as I’m a size 16 now but was much larger and my sister is a large lady but he still does it).

I’ve taken everything the wrong way and am I going to throw us away over a few small things and not give him a second chance.,

just sent me this
”Devastated doesn't cover it....not being able to discuss it like 2 adults is even worse and not letting me know how you feel is cruel to me.....l hope you will meet me today to discuss this....to throw us away over a few misinterpreted comments is madness....a grown up discussion is the least l deserve and we can solve this problem x”

I don’t feel devastated I feel relieved and I don’t want to meet him. It was only 4 1/2 months not years.

Completely the right decision. Now block him.

Gosh, he really is a controlling twat, isn’t he? Delete and forget it.

By the way, whether he thinks he’s controlling or not is irrelevant. Whether your friend thinks you’re wrong or not is irrelevant. Only you are living your one and only life!

He sounds like a controlling areshole. Get rid! How dare he examine your legs and tell you what to wear. You’re not overthinking you’re underthinking!

Just seen your last post. Glad you’ve ended it. He still doesn’t get it though does he? He thinks it’s ok to do and say the things he does. He shouldn’t have to be told not to do them. It shouldn’t even cross his mind to do them! His message is still putting you down. You’ve dodged a bullet with him.

You’ve told him it’s over. He doesn’t respect that but that’s on him. Don’t meet him OP, he doesn’t get to bully you to stay with him.

I’m late to this post but you’ve absolutely done the right thing by ending it OP! Well done…
Spotting red flags and setting boundaries takes time, but you’ve made huge progress so don’t be disheartened over any of this. You’ve called it a day which is right for you. You do not owe him anything now, not even a “discussion like two adults”! Him even saying that is him trying to manipulate you.
Cut contact now and enjoy your weekend ♥️

He’s not your person. Your boyfriend/partner should lift you up. You should feel good about being in his company. And you don’t need to meet and explain anything. You already have, he wants to drill down, pick at your words, twist things and make everything your fault. Don’t meet him and live the rest of your life how you want to - leg hairs, trousers, hair up, etc. the right person will love you for you.