Am I self sabotaging or right to now feel unsure?

[coronade]

Hi
I’m just looking for others perspective on my current relationship.

short back story, I was with my kids dad for 25+ years. He got progressively more emotionally abusive and was occasionally physically abusive. I was probably scared of him by the end. I did anything to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and rowing.
I finally got the courage to leave him when I found out he was cheating on me.
Roll forward a year and I start internet dating. What a joy that is in your 50’s.
i met someone and fell in love. We dated for 18 months but it became apparent that he was a compulsive liar, took drugs and was borderline alcoholic. I ended it when faced with another one of his huge lies. ( I know how to pick them).

so I’m 3 years on from this relationship. Dated lots online but not met anyone I clicked with who didn’t lie, wasn’t a cheater or just looking for a women with a house to retire to. It’s been very depressing to be honest but I haven’t given up.

4 1/2 months ago I met someone I thought I clicked with, he was funny, honest and seemed genuine. But I’m now having doubts. I don’t want to self sabotage and my worry’s are really just because I haven’t got all the ups and downs I’m used to in a relationship so it feels like something’s missing.

first thing I don’t like is he has a slight thing about me missing any hairs when I shave my legs and he has inspected them 3 times now and shaved off any I miss with his body trimmer. I don’t like my legs so him looking at them close up isn’t the best feeling.

Then this weekend we were going out with my friend and her partner.

I’d said I was going to wear my hair up(which I do 80% of the time) and he said “ohh I thought you’d wear it down, it looks nicer down”.
I went upstairs to get ready and my daughter straightened my hair so I wore it down and she did my make up. I was planning to wear a dress but as the weather wasn’t great I put on linen trousers and a top. When I came down all ready to go he looked at me and just said “I thought you was wearing a dress, you look nice in a dress” which made me feel I looked shit. I said the weather wasn’t great hence the change of outfit but he then said “I’m sure your friend will have a dress on” ( he’s only met her once and she actually wore jeans and why does what she wears matter!). I know I shouldn’t have changed but I did and once in the dress he said “ that’s better you look handsome now”.

I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to ruin the night. But the next day I told him he’d upset me (I didn’t mention the leg hair thing). He did apologise but then got defensive and said he wouldn’t bother saying anything in future. He was then very quiet all night.
When he got home he text me to say thankyou for a lovely weekend but added

“sorry l upset you and the fact l have has taken the shine off the weekend....” is this him saying because I told him I was upset I spoiled the weekend?

my other issue is that he doesn’t seem very interested in sex. We haven’t done it for 3 weeks which also makes me feel like he doesn’t find me physically attractive (he hasn’t got any ED problems). He does hold my hand and cuddle on the sofa but doesn’t seem to want sex.,,if I try and start to snog him etc he just sort of closes it off so I don’t bother. This is making me feel detached from him and like the spark is going.,

I really don’t know how I feel now. I don’t want to just stay with him because he's the first ok man I’ve met in 3 years but then am I just overthinking everything and looking for fault that’s not there or feeling that because it just jogs along it’s missing something.

would also add that he doesn’t own his own home or car ( but works) where as I do., so if we did progress it would be me buying a place for us to live in. I do worry about his too as I have met men just looking for someone with a house when they retire and can’t can’t afford rent.

sorry for the long post. I’m a terrible overthinker. I just don’t want to get it wrong again. Or throw away something that could be good because I have unrealistic expectations.

Well done for ending it. Controlling man indeed: he knew what he was doing. He indeed needs to be blocked. BTW what did your daughter think of him?. Friends can themselves be over invested so you were wise to post on here about him.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this individual. Please read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and enrol yourself into the Freedom Programme. Do not date at all until your boundaries and relationships bar are a lot higher than they are now.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What was your parents relationship like?. I would certainly consider therapy too.

I am so glad for you that he is gone

It made me shiver reading his behaviours

I’ve just sent this reply

“I’m sorry I have hurt you but I have made my decision.
There is no point in us meeting as I have told you how I feel and I won’t change my mind. Please respect my decision.
I will send you the holiday money shortly. You can just throw out the make up bag I left at yours.“

He has text back

“Your not sorry you were not even upset on the phone but that's your perogative.....l do love you and l am sorry your gut tells you otherwise give (the dog) and ( grandson) a kiss goodbye from me x”

I did actually start crying at one point during the call when I was explaining in his insistence, some of the things he did that hurt me. Well hopefully that’s done.

thsnkyou all for your support and words of wisdom I definitely have more work to do on myself x

Well done OP, and particularly well done for not being browbeaten into submission by his latest message.

I’ve taken everything the wrong way and am I going to throw us away over a few small things and not give him a second chance.

That's exactly what my ex said after years of what was in retrospect an extremely abusive relationship. By then, of course, I believed him and felt terrible for not bending over backwards to make things right. He also thought that all my (perfectly valid) reasons were just "a few small things."

I'm so glad you haven't got sucked in to more drama and a relationship that would erode you over time.

This is what you need to do, or redo if you have done it before. It’s life changing.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Now block him!. You replying to his message was what he wanted because he thought he had you then. The door of communication should now remain firmly closed.

Please get therapy for yourself (do consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up) and love your own self for a change. Work on rebuilding you and your life.

I doubt very much you hurt his feelings actually. These types do not get hurt but he is instead pissed that he’s lost control of you.

He INSPECTS your legs? Good God, no. Please get rid of this loser.

Edited to say I have now read all your posts OP and am so pleased for you. Well done, you’ve made the right decision. 💪💪

I think you need to spend some time on your own.

Dump this man and stop dating for a while. Embrace YOUR life and the things YOU enjoy doing, not shaving/dressing/styling your hair for a man 🙄

When you’re 100% comfortable being you, alone, you’ll be much better equipped to spot these losers from a distance and avoid them, because they’ll need to add value to your life to be in it and men like the ones you’ve dating now and in the past add no value.

I will get the book suggested and do the freedom program.
my childhood has definitely framed me. My parents were old (44,40) dad had ptsd from fighting in WWII and mum had lost her first husband to illness leaving her with a 6,3 and 18mth year old. The 18 month year old was killed in a fire 3 months after her first husband died and she had a breakdown. She never spoke about them again.
neither of them ever told me they loved me and I always felt in the way (both worked shifts and I was often left with neighbours at night and spent a lot of time on my own indoors). I overheard my aunt tell her friend I was a mistake and they hadn’t wanted me ( got married when mum was 6 mths pregnant) . This was when I was 13 I think. It just reinforced my feeling of being in the way. my parents also rowed loads and I hated it.
so yes your only as fycked up as your parents make you. I do know they loved me but I also accept that my hatred of confrontation and always needing to please and make people love me is down to my childhood.

I am much better than I was but clearly have more to do.,

You’ve absolutely done the right thing OP and he’s shown his controlling colours and lack of respect for your boundaries with his responses.

It’s classic DARVO - making him the victim and you the nasty old meanie.

I concur with PP look at the freedom programme and strengthen your boundaries before you date again.

Well done OP and be proud you trusted yourself and your instincts.

I would also just be slightly on the alert for any escalation from him over the next few weeks. Don’t be afraid to report him for anything akin to stalking or harassment

You sound fab by the way. And a decent man will be lucky to get you. Don’t settle. Enjoy your own company.

Oh OP you can definitely do better! Don't settle for a man who inspects your legs for hairs!!!

Excellent update. His ‘I’m not really listening too you, your feelings don’t matter’ response show just how absolutely right you were to end things. I hope you can now take some time to learn how to be by yourself and be happy.

He sounds horrendous. Obsessed with inspecting individual leg hairs on a regular basis but recoils in disgust when you go in for so much as a snog?! Make it make sense you creepy bastard.

Chuck him immediately. You're better off single. Take time to enjoy friends and hobbies. You don't need a mediocre man.

He doesn't sound like a keeper. My husband once had his hand on my knee and said oh you've missed a bit! We had been together a lot longer than a few months though and he certainly didnt check me over and get his trimmer out.

The rest sounds a bit controlling

Exactly this. OP you had me at him checking for leg hairs. Just even the suggestion was an automatic binning offence.

Really glad you took the MN advice on board and binned him off and that you’re going to do the Freedom Programme and work on your boundaries and self-worth.

You need to learn to love YOU. Move on from your upbringing and past bad relationships. You have all the power to change your present and your future and it starts by learning to value yourself. You ARE worth it and by doing the work, you will learn to believe it too.

You’re not overthinking it, he’s not making you happy, you wouldn’t have all these doubts if he was. Honestly, try and be happy on your own, you don’t need a man to make you complete. He sounds like a right weasel, you deserve peace.

So glad you ended it, the bit about the leg hairs made my skin crawl, it sounds so odd & creepy!
Enjoy being on your own for a while and maybe enjoy NOT shaving your legs in his honour! 😂

Well done for ending it and for putting down a boundary re not meeting. It’s tough even if you know it’s the right thing to do x

You have done just fine here, because you saw the red flags and have put down boundaries. He tried to emotionally manipulate you into giving him another chance and also was dismissing your feelings, but you stood your ground. I think you should be proud of yourself.

I was also a mistake, by the way, and similarly a people pleaser, so I get where you are coming from. But you have done fine here. I hope he leaves you in peace now.

Well I thought he’d gone but he dropped off a make up bag I’d told him to throw away, done diet cokes, a wine spritzer and some cards with quotes on

”Darling a beautiful thing is never perfect”

”Ask yourself have you been kind today. Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world”

”your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed it faith, feed it truth, feed it with love”

I’m presuming these are meant to make me think. I also got this huge messsge. I’m going to ignore it. All blame shifting, he’s a good guy, all my fault as I’m too damaged blah blah blah! He also spelt my name incorrectly every time in the text!

“Thank you for returning the holiday money and you will have just seen on your Ring app l have just returned items that are yours. I am still in total shock and numb at your cold cruel and callous dumping of me an action you know l had no idea was coming and no way of stopping and was not the behaviour of the V l have had the pleasure of getting to know for the past 5 months....you are a prisoner of your past and our relationship is just another casualty of this...l never abused you physically or mentally or lied to you or mislead you and so monsters from your past have lead us to today....I am not controlling that's your past l just made comments and suggests with no agenda or malice something couples do all the time all these comments come from a good place...because you didn't talk to me or communicate at any point there was never a chance of us surviving in fact nobody could survive under those rules or conditions with you. So yet again l pay the price for men who have acted and behaved in the most terrible way and who's damage continues to effect these women going forward....You were the person l expected to grow old with l just wish you would have talked to me and opened up to me not just a version of you because l would only want to help you and show you that you don't have to prove anything or worry about those voices in your head...l never hurt you l couldn't and l would have never hurt you like you have hurt me and over something that was easily sortable and preventable in the future....instead your self preservation system has kicked in based on your past and just shut everything down with no review or appeal process and based on how you have been treated in the past l understand why you fid it but it wasnt necessary l wasnt putting you down l loved you....how on Earth could l make us work with no communication from you on how you were feeling, overthinking all sorts of things which l always dealt with in a calm way when you raised these and your past controlling your emotions....so now the walls are up higher than ever making it harder to get in and the K’s AND W’s of this world have ruined a beautiful woman with so much love and life to give that is afraid to do so....😔 l hope you find the strength to heal and trust the process that there are good guys out here we just need you to let ago of the past not here to hurt you but try and make you laugh be happy and love you...l thought it was me in fact l know it was me you just can't see that anymore and that is massively regrettable all l can hope for is that in time not today or tomorrow or next week when the defence system has been safely lowered she will see l was a good person who isn't perfect but did nothing wrong and did love you....because the V l fell for is still in there unless the V l have been with for the last 5 months is a lie....? All l am left with now is massive regret and huge hole in my heart and the words from the James Arthur song becoming reality....." All that l wanted wasnt all that you needed " bye V”

What an absolute twat. Twisting and turning the DARVO up to full effect.

That message is the epitome of manipulation and zero accountability.

God I think I’d throw up in my mouth if a man if known a few months sent me that complete tosh

When someone refers to themselves as a 'good guy', I think you can immediately assume that they are the exact opposite.🚩