What things are truly important in long term relationships or marriage?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all, I’m navigating through finding a new ‘me’, or rather, reviving the old one, after a horrible situation with my ex partner with whom I lived and was due to marry.

of course it is all subjective, but I’d be really interested to hear from your experiences as to what you have found to be the most valuable attributes, particularly those of you who have ‘gone the mile’ in relationships and deem it to have been fairly happy and functional.

I guess I am trying to figure out what is really important, because in my thirties, I feel I’ll need to make some allowances as I’d want made for me.

things to consider; attraction, kindness, reasonableness, communication, work ambitions and finances, sense of adventure, eager for self growth and learning. These feel important to me, but I am mindful I may let some that are more superficial overrule the others, which actually may be more important things for a happy future.

i have a good job and keep myself well, so mindful that I can be a little conceited in terms of what I may expect. My exes have all been the breadwinner and quite ‘flash’. I didn’t look for that, but superficial connections seem to have found me, and left me in some not very nice situations where, upon reflection, I realised I was never valued for me and rather I was more of a ‘trophy’ to add to their self proclaimed status, and I don’t want that again.

apologies if this is waffly, just really keen for some lived experiences from anyone who has taken the time to read.

Thanks all

So so true. I have a bad habit of this, for whatever reason. Haven’t done so intentionally but it’s something I’m realising. Rewiring myself is tricky, but it’s a very good point and something worth exploring. Perhaps peace and respect are far more important than the material.

Totally agree. I don’t know how it say this in a more diplomatic way and hope it doesn’t cause offence, but the more ‘average’ men, the ones who perhaps go unnoticed say, in a bar, or just getting on with their lives, could be the hidden gems here. I haven’t figured it out. But I’ve had ‘big gestures’ with my exes, almost like it’s an outward show but when it boils down to the struggles of life, they weren’t dependable. Sadly, I do not think I’ve been truly respected by a partner, until the man I’m currently ‘seeing’. And to put it bluntly, I now feel pretty f*cked up with regards to men and trusting them, so I hope he hasn’t drawn the short straw with me there. I have a lot to give in terms of ambition and being a good person I think (hope), but previous situations have left me very weary to the point I wonder whether my happily ever after exists

True. The bar is low for men, or so it appears at times. I hope this changes but not sure it’ll be in my lifetime!

I've been happily married for 26 years; the most important things are being on the same page at the same time; we both wanted to settle down, and spend time together.

Having previously been in an abusive relationship, I was looking out for an ability to control his temper, kindness, how he treated his mum, consideration, etc.

Also, mutual attraction; we wouldn't have got anywhere if I hadn't fancied him! 😊

Thanks for your thoughts. Following something unhealthy and abusive, did you find yourself heightened to anything with someone new that made you compare to life before? I struggle now to know what is just a human having a bad day, vs. Someone who will treat me and any potential kids, badly. Someone said previously that spending time in my own space may help me to trust my intuition more

Yes, I was super cautious, I had my own flat and we dated for 6 months before he moved in with me, I could tell he was a kind, gentle man, in the way he made an effort with my family, when I was too ill to go to my parents once he called to see them on his own to let them know how I was.

I just felt safe with him, if you know what I mean. I felt I could be myself, and not worry he was judging me or anything. I hope you find the right one; I think you'll know when you just click with someone.

Ability to spend time apart, and not be 100% dependent on each other.
Same type of humour.
Similar educational level.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I NEED my man to gently tell me when Im being a dick. My mother, bless her, has had 50 odd years with a man who tells her she is perfection and never ever wrong. As a result she believes it, and she doesn't have a partner that she can talk an issue through with about someone else, and get their perspective on how she dealt with something. I need that. I think thats healthy. I want my mans honest opinion on that. Not hyper criticial and never on my side, but having a balanced view and helping me to gain perspective and self-reflect. Vital for me in a relationship

Similar sex drives
Deep sexual and physical attraction
Love language match eg, mine is words of affirmation and physical touch - so is his, so we don't annoy each other or get anxious, we compliment each other (literally and figuratively)
Showing appreciation, respect, care, kindness daily not just now and then.
Feeling safe and secure - the opposite is a huge red flag.
Shared values
Similar interests. Not everyone needs this - some have friends for that, but for me, I like my partner to be my best friend and the one I would choose to do most things with. Luckily he is.
Shared views on finances. Dont think you need to be equal wages but should be sharing costs, and at least act like a team. No tightwads as it just builds resentment.

Shared domestic chores. I think its important for both to feel like there is give and take. But i dont think it has to be the same - eg he could be more emotionally supportive, you more practical. That can work. Whatever makes you FEEL like you are both getting something from the relationship.
Little things go a long long way. eg. if your partner likes it when you pick them up a fave choccie bar from the store - never stop doing that.
Similar sense of humour. Vital for me.

Being able to chat for hours on end about everything and anything. Super important to me.

Married 42 years - happily I think.

We have shared values (attitudes to work, money and children); laugh all the time; and he is 100% reliable as a partner and a friend. And the sex is still good.

But he’s not perfect and I just wanted to warn against thinking anyone is. Neither am I. He can be a bit selfish ( hobby), doesn’t always see my pov and tends to prioritise what he thinks is important. Whilst I can be a bit whiny, fly off the handle and don’t always see his pov.

But we have worked hard at making it work. Sometimes it would have been easy for one of us to walk away - but we didn’t. I think we know we’re each other’s ’best fit’ and another person would have different issues.

So great to get a perspective but also be realistic. DH is ‘perfect’ for me but he isn’t ‘perfect’. And neither am I.

If you grew up with a primary caregiver who was inconsistent, for whatever reason, you may have anxious attachment and seek out partners who give you the familiarity of that nervousness. Might be worth looking into your attachment style?

A friend picked 'bad boys' and had a succession of unhappy relationships in her twenties and thirties. She married her genuinely lovely (and very unlike previous men in so many ways) husband when she was forty. Nearly twenty years later they are still very happy together. There is hope 🙂