What things are truly important in long term relationships or marriage?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all, I’m navigating through finding a new ‘me’, or rather, reviving the old one, after a horrible situation with my ex partner with whom I lived and was due to marry.

of course it is all subjective, but I’d be really interested to hear from your experiences as to what you have found to be the most valuable attributes, particularly those of you who have ‘gone the mile’ in relationships and deem it to have been fairly happy and functional.

I guess I am trying to figure out what is really important, because in my thirties, I feel I’ll need to make some allowances as I’d want made for me.

things to consider; attraction, kindness, reasonableness, communication, work ambitions and finances, sense of adventure, eager for self growth and learning. These feel important to me, but I am mindful I may let some that are more superficial overrule the others, which actually may be more important things for a happy future.

i have a good job and keep myself well, so mindful that I can be a little conceited in terms of what I may expect. My exes have all been the breadwinner and quite ‘flash’. I didn’t look for that, but superficial connections seem to have found me, and left me in some not very nice situations where, upon reflection, I realised I was never valued for me and rather I was more of a ‘trophy’ to add to their self proclaimed status, and I don’t want that again.

apologies if this is waffly, just really keen for some lived experiences from anyone who has taken the time to read.

Thanks all

Love this. Thanks for sharing

I’ve heard this a few times now, and definitely see the upsides. I suppose the thing is, if I ever had a family, that would be tricky. What has been your story if you don’t mind me asking?

In 22 years of marriage, the pillars that keep us together are- trust, respect, sexual compatibility and equal intellect. The rest falls in line really. I am ambitious , he’s happy to rub along- that he respects me and is intelligent enough to understand my ambition makes it work. I trust him and his choices, and he mine even if they weren’t the choices we’d have made for each other. Sexual compatibility and trust in the good times has held us strong through the troughs of young children and hormonal contraception. Equality of intellect means we forge our way through communication in the tough times(respect plays a part here too) , and in the good times the conversation never runs dry.

Although some people don’t have children, so…

Trust
Communication
Respect
Comfort

Good communication and openness, genuine kindness (no backstabbing about people that are supposed to be their friends and putting on a public mask), sexual compatibility, being able to love and be loved (not emotionally stunted or cold). I always appreciate a man who’s a dog/cat lover too, though that’s very personal to me.

I find those general things makes someone really attractive in my eyes, regardless of what they actually look like.

I've been with DH for 42 years. Given that all life throws at you through a long marriage I would say that the things that matter most are shared values and respect for each other. When all else fails you know you both fundamentally believe in the same things and are always on each other's side.

Ahh this! In the end, I literally said to my ex, it’s your world, I just live in it. Like he was the sun and he wanted me to revolve around him, not with him. Even the house which we jointly paid for, he’d just do things without discussion as he and his family always saw it as his house, for some reason. He knocked down chimney breasts with no party wall agreement with the adjoining house,
demolished a garage in the garden which was my gym and told me the day before it was happening. You’re so right about being considered an equal person. Not sure why some men find this isn’t a given for them, feels pretty inhuman!

All good points. What are your thoughts on being the breadwinner? If I’m honest, this is one element I’m struggling with now, having met a man with these qualities but who would by some considerable way be the lesser earner. I am sure it’s not as big of a deal as I think, I just wonder whether it would harbour resentment later, but equally he’s such a gem in other ways. I suppose that’s the main reason for my post, really. He’s incredibly artistic, we have fantastic chemistry, he’s loyal to a fault, kind behind compare and very ‘manly’. But, I suppose in comparison to me he’s in a lower paid industry, and wants for less. Again, I may sound conceited, but I came from very humble beginnings, and I know I want for ‘more’ than what I grew up with…

You’re absolutely right. My views are changing because of my experience. My ex earned very well, but with that came some real arrogance and an expectation that I was subservient; what he said, went. And now I am reevaluating, what actually makes me happy vs what I feel I should want, if that makes sense?

Pretty much most of what's been said already, but also with my DH, I know he'll be there for me 100%. Any computer problems when I was studying, he'd fix them, if I needed picking up in the middle of the night (I never have, but as an example), he'd be there. He treats the DC the same way, as do I. We both also treat our families the same too. So it's just that knowing that we can depend and rely on each other.

Trust
kindness
generosity

Very insightful. And I agree with the last part about the guilt. Even if someone is wonderful towards you, I guess it doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship if it doesn’t work for you. But I also don’t want to look for what I have before, as it didn’t serve me. Mind you, I never looked for my exes, they presented themselves and I got pulled in. I guess I need to get more trusting of my own intuition and how I feel around someone. I’ve been quite numb with how I actually feel and in the past have simply been amenable for an easy life (or as easy as possible). I’d like to develop a stronger compass for the things I actually need, and I don’t know how much of that ought to be driven by the financials anymore.

Ohhh yes to the eggshells. I never want to live like that again. Basically, a person who wants to put as much importance on your life and happiness as they do theirs. I don’t want to be an extra in someone else’s story anymore. Equally, I don’t expect to be their whole story. But that real sense of mutuality is something I haven’t experienced until now. Frustratingly, I feel I’m having doubts over things my exes had that this new chap doesn’t, but I do think he’s a real gem and I don’t want to sabotage that unless it genuinely isn’t right. It’s feeling so foreign to have someone consider my needs to a massive degree. It even scares me at times, and I want to explore why

That’s so lovely. And it is great you see and appreciate him for that. It sounds like such a genuine connection.

Oh my gosh, yes. Have you been with an angry man? I’ll never do that again, at least, not knowingly.

Love this. Sorry if too much info but the new guy I am ‘seeing’ is a very old friend, and the sexual compatibility has given me a totally new experience with intimacy. That part is incredible. But looking for the good traits of precious exes is proving difficult, which is silly as my ex was horribly emotionally abusive

Ahh yes this is the core of it. Love to hear about people’s experiences who have been partnered for this long. The foundations must be very strong between you. Do you find you have to let a lot go? Or is that not so much of an issue if truly compatible?

@justfindingmyway yes, can you tell 🤣
My xH's anger frightened me and I never want to have that again. I also had to walk on eggshells and pick my moments to bring things up, couldn't say how I was feeling or what I thought,

The person I have now listens, cares about what I want and feel, is very calm and even tempered and I feel like I can say anything to him. I'm still cautious and no plans to live together but it is so lovely and so different.

Breadwinner is and of itself a term that implies an imbalance. I earn more. I am not a breadwinner. Let alone THE breadwinner. We contribute fairly. I am not his employer. He pays his way. He is supportive and a cheerleader of my career without being a succubus. He earns. And well. But he doesn’t want riches and nor does he strive for more and more achievement as I do - he’s content where he is. I respect that he respects my need of pursuit. I respect that he doesn’t want or need that for himself. Why would I resent that he earns less? Resentment would only harbour if he began to take advantage of my wealth and ambition to supplement his lack thereof- my husband would never do that. Instead he respects and supports me. He doesn’t exploit me.

Does he have your back?

DH and I have been happily married 30 years.

For me (and probably him - I'd have to ask him):

You have to like and respect the person as well as fancy them.
You both have to be prepared to work at marriage - there are times when one or other or both are preoccupied with raising kids, developing career, sick/elderly parents etc. You have to notice when you've started taking your partner for granted and make the effort.
Shared values are massively important. DH and I have similar attitudes to childrearing, similar politics, similar lack of interest in material things. We both prioritise an interesting career over a highly paid dull one.
Shared humour is crucial. DH and I still make each other laugh several times a day.
Shared interests. I know not all couples find this important but we bloody love a day out going around art galleries and to see a show or to a music gig or concert in the evening. Or a long hike through the hills with a picnic.
You have to accept that no one is perfect and that in the course of a long lifetime people will make mistakes or go through bad patches and you have to fundamentally believe in the purpose of marriage enough, and to like and trust them enough to come out the other side of it. And when you are the one at fault, to work to make amends.

I agree with this.

I'd have no respect for someone who just agreed with me, because I said something, however wrong I might be.

I already had kids before I met my DP. To be honest, we were together for 3 years (still not living together) when kids were smaller, but then split up for 5 years. We then reconnected and my kids are now late teens / early twenties (his are in their 30s).
So, yeah, if you wanted DCs then it's different, but for us our arrangement works really well.

Kindness, attraction, respect and fun. I said i want the male equivalent of a good friend but with the sexual attraction. Not much to ask i don't think. Currently single 🙄😂