What things are truly important in long term relationships or marriage?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all, I’m navigating through finding a new ‘me’, or rather, reviving the old one, after a horrible situation with my ex partner with whom I lived and was due to marry.

of course it is all subjective, but I’d be really interested to hear from your experiences as to what you have found to be the most valuable attributes, particularly those of you who have ‘gone the mile’ in relationships and deem it to have been fairly happy and functional.

I guess I am trying to figure out what is really important, because in my thirties, I feel I’ll need to make some allowances as I’d want made for me.

things to consider; attraction, kindness, reasonableness, communication, work ambitions and finances, sense of adventure, eager for self growth and learning. These feel important to me, but I am mindful I may let some that are more superficial overrule the others, which actually may be more important things for a happy future.

i have a good job and keep myself well, so mindful that I can be a little conceited in terms of what I may expect. My exes have all been the breadwinner and quite ‘flash’. I didn’t look for that, but superficial connections seem to have found me, and left me in some not very nice situations where, upon reflection, I realised I was never valued for me and rather I was more of a ‘trophy’ to add to their self proclaimed status, and I don’t want that again.

apologies if this is waffly, just really keen for some lived experiences from anyone who has taken the time to read.

Thanks all

That's the point I'm making.
Trust has to be earned and that takes years.

Similar sex drives. A mismatch will cause you no end of hassle.

Loyalty, integrity and a shared sense of humor. My husband is the most loyal person I know and also the person who makes me laugh the hardest. We share a sense of what it’s like to grow up in toxic families and so I wouldn’t say we are actually emotionally mature — but we are self-aware and have worked hard to try and figure out ourselves together. I personally don’t think having interests or hobbies in common is important at all, but being interested to hear about the other person’s interests is…just my thoughts!

I agree with @Daisyvodka 's points.

And @Philandbill 's cup of tea. Someone who thinks, of his own accord, that you might want/need something, and organises it, even if it means putting himself out a bit.

Someone whose actions match his words. He doesn't just tell you he thinks women are equals, for instance; you can see it in all his actions, even when you're not there. Don't fall prey to mirroring, where a man simply goes along with what you say, and it feels like he shares all your values.

Also consider whether he has any key faults you are deliberately overlooking because you think he's a good man despite them. Maybe he is a good man despite them, but still make sure not to overlook those faults when weighing up the pros and cons. It's OK to be critical about niggly little things, in your head.

@justfindingmyway

All good points. What are your thoughts on being the breadwinner? If I’m honest, this is one element I’m struggling with now, having met a man with these qualities but who would by some considerable way be the lesser earner. I am sure it’s not as big of a deal as I think, I just wonder whether it would harbour resentment later, but equally he’s such a gem in other ways. I suppose that’s the main reason for my post, really. He’s incredibly artistic, we have fantastic chemistry, he’s loyal to a fault, kind behind compare and very ‘manly’. But, I suppose in comparison to me he’s in a lower paid industry, and wants for less. Again, I may sound conceited, but I came from very humble beginnings, and I know I want for ‘more’ than what I grew up with…

I look at this the other way up. I've been the breadwinner in both of my two long term relationships (my marriage and the relationship I am in now). I far prefer being the breadwinner. The idea of being financially reliant on a man terrifies me. So I'd much rather be the one calling the financial shots in the relationship.

I don't want to be with a cocklodger or someone who doesn't contribute but being with someone who felt they were "head of the family" by virtue of paying for everything would be a huge turn-off.

My current partner earns about half what I do. He always contributes to the level of his earnings and he would never try to get out of paying for stuff. But I know I will never have to defer to him financially.

So I'd much rather be the one calling the financial shots in the relationship.

Does the one who earns the most money get to call the financial shots in a relationship?

Isn't that financially controlling?

But I know I will never have to defer to him financially.

Poor bloke.

Respect

Sexual compatability
The same life goals

It’s a really tricky one. I’d say I’ve had butterflies each time, but it hasn’t worked out so I think when sensibleness kicks in, it’s perhaps questioning whether those are required for long term foundations. Perhaps you can have both butterflies and dependable, but I’m not sure. It’s also something I’m trying to figure out. I am now ‘seeing’ a dependable, steady man, and in truth, I’m not used to it and have questioned compatibility. It is a hard one. You’ll probably split a room with opinions on butterflies vs predictability. Honestly, I do at times wonder whether heterosexual relationships even work for the long term (I say heterosexual as I can’t speak for any others)

I’m taking from the comment more that there’s a lack of confidence in being dependent on a man, or anyone, financially, and I can’t disagree. I see what you mean about the control element and sadly this is what I’ve experienced with my ex. Now I’ll be very careful with always keeping my own career going. I think it is just safer these days to have a fallback.

Trust, communication, respect, kindness and laughter

Great points, thanks for your thoughts.

thats the scary part for me now. Deciphering who they really are vs who they think you want them to be, and as you say, mirroring that person. How do you distinguish that? My ex masked for years, which is I guess sad for him not to be who he was (even if his behaviour was harmful to me) and a waste of my time. Tricky to navigate

I’d say someone who you’re attracted to physically, is loyal, supportive, shares your morals, is a good communicator even in disagreements, is independent and capable of thinking things through for themselves, is emotionally available and willing to be vulnerable with you, is financially savvy and whose friends are similar too.

37 years married - for us: sense of humour, trust, look after each other, be kind, have a bloody good row but apologise if you are wrong and laugh about it.

For me to know I could and did and do function with not having to be in a relationship.
Getting to know what makes YOU tick and finding new ways of meeting people.
Every date I went on, I told myself this is an opportunity to make a new friend, NOT boyfriend or husband material and I would be honest and not put on heirs and graces . Although manners are everything.
How a potential BF talks about and treats others and if they big themselves up, then these are usually red flags 🚩.
In all you are the most important person and you probably have lots to un baggage, if you have been in a LTR .
Just enjoy being able to be you and know you don’t need anyone is a massive buzz and in reality you don’t . However we are social creatures and it’s normal to want to meet someone and have closeness .
Make the most of not having to be accountable to anyone except yourself !!

Love this, and I have had a taste to a very small degree of how empowering and freeing it feels to be at one with yourself and not ‘need’ a relationship. I still have lots of work to do. Out of interest, have you read a book called ‘it begins with you’? It’s very eye opening and your advice has a similar feel to it.

thanks for your thoughts and for sharing; valuable insights there. I’m finding hobbies are helping me, as is throwing myself into work which has come on leaps and bounds since leaving my ex

I never said it would. Equally you can have people who are incredibly loyal who also go on to cheat.

Deciphering who they really are vs who they think you want them to be, and as you say, mirroring that person. How do you distinguish that?
My exh did this too, and was something of a shock when I went back to work after having our children and discovered that we did not see eye to eye after all. In my current relationship I noticed early on that my dp was not just agreeing with me; he was coming up with ideas I liked himself, and his actions matched his words. He can explain why he thinks the way he thinks. And he disagrees with me on some things too, and we can have a lively but respectful discussion :)

Butterflies don't last predictability does.
If anybody is always chasing butterflies, then they're not compatible with a long term relationship. I'm sure there are some exceptions to that, but I think it's generally true.

I agree. It is something I’m struggling with, I almost need to retrain my brain to seek something different. As to how I do that, I don’t know. I don’t know where it comes from, but I look for the wrong things early on I suspect.

Ahh this is something I am struggling with. So the guy I am seeing is so willing to please. Which I guess on the face of it is fairly sweet, but it does make me wonder well, is this him or is it who he thinks he needs to be. I’m sure he’s not like my
ex, but I also think he’s further ahead in terms of feelings than me, and it’s making me wary??

I think quite a few women in their 20s walk straight past decent men and into the arms of good-looking dickheads.

20 years later the decent men are busy being good husbands and fathers whilst the women who ignored them are complaining about how their are no good men around.

Butterflies can sometimes lead you astray.

I agree. I've known far too many women/girls who've ignored "decent but boring" men and constantly gone for the "bad boy" type who inevitably let them down and move to their next conquest. Fair enough enjoying the "bad boy" vibe when you're a teenager, but it seldom works for adult relationships.

There are, in my opinion, more decent women than decent men around. Most decent men are settled into successful, life-long relationships before they're 35.

Respect. I think it’s the most important one. Self respect, reciprocal respect.
There’s nothing but trouble without it.