What things are truly important in long term relationships or marriage?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all, I’m navigating through finding a new ‘me’, or rather, reviving the old one, after a horrible situation with my ex partner with whom I lived and was due to marry.

of course it is all subjective, but I’d be really interested to hear from your experiences as to what you have found to be the most valuable attributes, particularly those of you who have ‘gone the mile’ in relationships and deem it to have been fairly happy and functional.

I guess I am trying to figure out what is really important, because in my thirties, I feel I’ll need to make some allowances as I’d want made for me.

things to consider; attraction, kindness, reasonableness, communication, work ambitions and finances, sense of adventure, eager for self growth and learning. These feel important to me, but I am mindful I may let some that are more superficial overrule the others, which actually may be more important things for a happy future.

i have a good job and keep myself well, so mindful that I can be a little conceited in terms of what I may expect. My exes have all been the breadwinner and quite ‘flash’. I didn’t look for that, but superficial connections seem to have found me, and left me in some not very nice situations where, upon reflection, I realised I was never valued for me and rather I was more of a ‘trophy’ to add to their self proclaimed status, and I don’t want that again.

apologies if this is waffly, just really keen for some lived experiences from anyone who has taken the time to read.

Thanks all

Open communication
Mutual trust and respect
Discussion and planning

For me it’s important to have fun. DH and I have been together for 16 years and we laugh every day. We’ve had some really tough times and we can always find a way to make each other smile.

On a more practical level, things like similar attitudes towards alcohol and money and biggies. Similar preferences with regard to time together/ time apart is very important too.

Compatibility.

@justfindingmyway have you spent any time being single before taking this new relationship from friends to more-than? I found that the most useful thing- I didn’t know what my boundaries were before or how to enforce them.

I wouldn’t put too much store by him earning less than you. If the other elements are there, that won’t matter a bit.

Your ex sounds difficult OP. There are some really good replies on here and you're obviously genuinely interested in them. Have you considered some counselling? You can do this as a single person, it may help you to explore this further.
As well as the excellent replies I'd add someone who makes you a cup of tea in the morning. 😀. DH is currently doing that while I'm still in bed. We've had a chat this morning already and will continue to chat over tea before we get up (both of us have a day off today). He's my absolute favourite person to spend time with still after 25 years together.

I wish I'd read all this , understood and taken it on board 50 years ago.

Perhaps think more about the quality of the relationship rather than the characteristics of the individual? Central my long marriage is humour, a sense of perspective, trust and respect.

At least some interests in common, things you can do together (examples might be walking, birdwatching, gardening, cycling, theatre, other hobbies). A willingness to step up for the partner when needed (eg if they are ill, helping with elderly parents). Similar level of intelligence. Political views similar.

Forgiveness, respect, trust, honesty. Most importantly you have to feel lucky to be with that person and they have to feel lucky to be with you. If one partner feels like they have settled then it’ll not last.

Trust, kindness, intelligence

Hiya,

thanks for your thoughts. So I have been single for a year plus a few months. I do agree, I think my own space will be of vital importance. Whilst I get myself through the housing situation with my ex, which is sold and going through, I’m with my parents, which whilst I’m grateful for, has made me realise how much I yearn for my own space (and literally, just mine). I think when I get a place and live alone, that will really help. I guess that will all be part of ‘finding’ myself and understanding what I need. But I do agree. Currently, I’m just really enjoying his company once a week or so. But I’m getting my own place and he knows this. He also knows that I can give no guarantees, just enjoying it for what it is. Of course there have been some complications as he wants more ultimately, but he knows where I stand.

Thanks so much. I was in therapy for a large portion of the time spent with my ex. It was the most awful but perhaps one of the most important lessons of my life, strangely. I’d have liked a gentler lesson, but do feel it’s shaken me up in terms of looking at relationships in a totally different, and more healthy way. I love the replies I get from MN. Really thought provoking and that is so helpful, it is really insightful to gain views of people with different experiences to mine, and who may have stronger boundaries or clarity of their own inner compass. I am soaking them up as much as I can!! Thanks for your response.

also, I get what you mean about the tea. Not only is it a nice morning ritual over which you can bond, it’s the person showing they care isn’t it, looking after you, and making your comfort their own x

I think you 'just know' when you are meant to have a long term relationship with someone. I realised this within an hour of our first date.

It actually made me feel slightly sick.

I think at that point I had established a) e had similar background in terms of education, b) similar background in terms of religion/ethnicity though neither of us are observant and c) we both like eating fish.

Thirty years on.....

I hope you’re doing ok. We are all learning as we go, but some people perhaps have better foundations, whether that’s nature, nature, I’m not sure. I’ve made many mistakes along the way and am ready to grab life with both hands now, and see things with more clarity

Attraction is very important - why say it’s superficial? Expecting a specific hair colour or height is unrealistic but overall attraction is a must!

You have to accept each other as you are, because you won’t massively change them and they won’t change you, not fundamentally. Someone who is frequently critical of you probably won’t work for the long hall. We’ve found having the same values and views on society to be very important. We will compromise for each other and go with the flow a bit. Both being stubborn over everything would be difficult I think. Finally, we both accept that there are times when it can feel a bit dull, especially when in the trenches with a family, but if you give it a couple of months it will usually get better again.

I've been with DH for 20 years. We're in our early 40s. We've mostly been happy, albeit with a couple of bad patches.

The things that have made it work:

• we're both straightforward and trustworthy. Neither of us could sneak around behind the other's back. Neither of us plays games.
• we both have a kind of staying power / resilience that means we can stick out a shit 6 months or year, without getting flighty.
• we make eachother laugh. We are one another's favourite person to spend time with, and favourite person to do nothing with.
• we find eachother really attractive and continually put the work in to make sure that continues.
• we share the same big goals (pay off the mortgage by 50, for instance).

Where we've struggled:

• the mental load. I've had times where I've done it all and it's almost killed me. DH does more these days, but just doesn't notice anything. A light has blown in the kitchen this morning - he would NEVER notice or think to replace it. And on and on. These days, I can't be arsed with pulling him up on every small thing though. I tend to think "Is this inconvenience worth us falling out over, and ruining our day?"
• I've always been a bit 'type A' and quite ambitious. DH never was. I was the one bettering myself, getting promotions, earning more, while he stagnated in a low paid job which didn't hive him transferable skills. I did nearly leave him over this. It made me lose respect for him, because he wasn't picking up the slack in other areas of life. I told him I was looking at flats to rent on my own, and it was the push he needed to completely retrain. He's now got quite a bit of drive and ambition about him in this new career, and I find that really attractive and have huge respect for him.

Trust
kindness
fun
being able to apologise
being able to forgive

Respect, sexual attraction, kindness and independence. I need someone who will be there when I need him but is happy for me to do my own thing.

The shared values make us pretty compatible but we still disagree on things. We've just learned how to talk things through without it becoming an argument. We got all of our arguing out of the way decades ago.

We were friends for several years before we got together as a couple and I think this really helped. Well, I say we were friends, we both fancied each other like crazy but neither of us wanted to spoil such a good friendship for a quick fling. It's turned out to be quite the long fling 😂

There are things that you can't do without, like trust, respect, humour, dependability, responsibility.

But I would also say that we undervalue things like compatibility in how you treat your home, how you value your friends, what you like to eat, how you incorporate your interests into your life, how you feel about your bodies, how you approach travel.

We put up with quite big differences in those, in the beginning, because they don't seem too important. But they are the things that twenty years down the line, have the potential to make a difference. Or at least to cause the need for big compromises that can get tiring.

Having been thinking I'm so lucky to have found someone dependable, trustworthy, even tempered, emotionally intelligent etc (met online almost 2 yrs ago), I've just very recently been quite thrown by an attraction/crush at work where I can't stop thinking about him, butterflies etc.
It's made me question if something is missing in my relationship and it's true that with his dependability comes predictability and I don't really get butterflies etc. (did for a short while in the beginning)

But I know I'm being silly aren't I! Those good traits are so much more important

I think the problem with finding someone with these qualities is that it takes a long time for most of the really important ones to show through.

These days people are writing off possible partners with a swipe after less than a second!

Trusting someone with all your heart and soul really won't stop them cheating. I expect the vast majority of divorced women would've put good money on it never happening to them.