Step son doesn’t want to live with me & my daughter

[TipsyPinkOrca]

So I’m looking for opinions on what’s happened & how do I move forward. I have been in a relationship with someone for 8 yrs. I moved into the flat in his house 7 yrs ago. For around 4 years when his son came to stay I had to pretend I wasn’t in a relationship with him. When his son moved in it continued . For the last 2 years his son knew we were together but we didn’t start renovations to make the flats one house . We lived together after for one month & his son spent Christmas with his mum & was rude when he came back . He was 15. I told him off on Christmas Day for not wanting to play a game with his nan& my family , and his dad made him . We all had a massive argument after Xmas & they moved into the annexe . As his son didn’t want to live with me & my daughter. All we have done - me & my partner is argue for 8 months . His son also wanted prior to this to join the army which he has. He leaves mid September. But during the 8 months out relationship has broken down, everything his son doesn’t like about us he now doesn’t like about us . Am I wasting my time ?

Yes. Move out and create some financial safety. He has changed his mind and will break up with you eventually.

I agree you should end it. But neither you nor his father have covered yourselves in glory here. You lied to him for years on end. Few children are actually that stupid. After a month of being honest you told him off over something completely ridiculous (most 15 year olds don't want to play party games, why force him too?) and then his dad made him do it. As adults you have entirely failed to manage this in a grown up way, and hardly set him a sterling example. Poor kid probably didn't feel welcome or able to be honest in his own home. Belnding families is hard, of course it is. But the two of you didn't make any effort at all, lied to him, and expect he should be grateful for that.

Can’t quite believe you told him off for not wanting to play cards. You’re obviously not to used to teens! No wonder he doesn’t want to live with you.

Cut your losses.

I don’t think I explained myself enough. When his parents broke up his mother was extremely difficult she stopped him from seeing his dad and wrecked his head, he had to have counselling . He was too scared to ask either of them anything. The reason he didn’t tell his son he was in a relationship was because of his mother and accusations she had made .

You alienated your partner's son in multiple ways. You lied to him for years. The, after you finally moved in, you tried to parent and start shit on Xmas Day by telling him what to do over a game.

Your partner has his son's back. Your partner never really had your back. His son is leaving.

Time to end things here. The lying was dumb and abhorrent. What did you guys think you were accomplishing there by lying to his son for years? That was a setup for failure.

He had said he was in a bad mood because my autistic daughter woke him up on Christmas Day at 830 , she is 20 but younger in her mind. He was being picked up at 11. His virtually housebound nan was at our house for a couple of hours when he got back after 6 . We were all having a game of cards , he had a face like a slapped a, and I asked him to play one game with his nan & us , after all they had just given him gifts . He did play one game & then went straight to his room .

No wonder he has a issue with you. You lied to him for years and then had a go at him on christmas day over a game of cards. Selfish.

Agree with this. The adults have made an absolute car crash of a situation them expect a teenage boy who has been treated like a mug to be grateful.

And to add insult to injury a woman that couldn’t even admit she was dating his father suddenly wants to play step mum and discipline him for bringing a typical 15 year old.

What a shit show - that poor boy

Absolutely rubbish I didn’t explain myself well enough . With the renovations it meant we only lived properly for a month with the stairs in. He knew we were in a relationship for much longer than that and that was not my choice. He cut ties with his mum for months when she got a new boyfriend . Until she stood firm with her new bf. Now he goes regularly to see her. He was perfectly ok with me driving him to golf his friends picking him up from school taking him to concerts etc. but I never said boo to him as I was too frightened until once in chriistmas day.

It all sounds a bit dysfunctional from an outsiders perspective. There has been dishonesty, it doesn't sound like your kids get on well, it wasn't your place to tell him off at Christmas. What is there that would appeal to him?

Maybe some time away in the army will do him good. If he was the one here asking us for advice I'd probably tell him to get some space from you and then start again with a polite but reserved relationship with his dad and see what happens from there.

It was not my idea to keep it a secret . His father didn’t want to upset him.

There's waiting to let kids meet your new partner and then there's this 😂. You really pretended for 6-7 years that you were not in a relationship while living with him?

Anyway the relationship seems to have run it's course so I would end it and move on. I hope you're not financially dependent on him?

It doesn’t matter whose idea it was, you as adults have failed him, kept secrets from him and now evict him to play the dutiful step son - ridiculous

I agree the army is good . He said he hates family gatherings. He had no friends at all until this year as he couldn’t tolerate of his peers. He didn’t want to revise for his GCSEs so didn’t.

Yes completely financially dependent on him.

It was not my idea to keep it a secret . His father didn’t want to upset him.

With respect, you agreed to it. So you were part of that decision. It is therefore equally your responsibility.

Anyway, you seem to have come here to be told that you did right, so not sure what you want from this. Clearly his father has decided that the relationship with you is at an end. So the rest if now moot as there really isn't any going back.

He lives with his dad and has done for the past 8 months .

It can’t be nice for your daughter to grow up somewhere she is made to feel unwanted. It’s not a great example of what relationships are either.

I think you need to have a serious think about getting financially independent before you’re left homeless if things continue as they are.

He lives with his dad . I asked him multiple times to tell his son. We he said he hated me & my daughter.

The relationship between you and your stepson has broken down and at his age I don’t think it was reasonable to try and enforce he must play a game etc.

Trying to blend families is hard and tbh I salute the people who manage to make it a success.

I can see why you and your partner would have argued, it all seems like a bit of a mess with the strange living arrangements etc.

Up to you if you want to keep trying or not but I wouldn’t expect your stepson to change his mind on things if you do.

She loved him & his dad.

Rolling my eyes at the people who slag you off for wanting a teen to play cards/ game at Christmas time- if we all took this approach the kids would sit in their rooms all Christmas and never take part in anything. Parenting is sometimes forcing them to do things they don’t want to that chances are they’ll end up enjoying.

Well unfortunately that limits your options, you may have to swallow your pride while you work on trying get a job and save up or alternative options like help from the council etc.

Try to speak with him and see if you can reach a compromise or something but the fact you're dependent on him gives him more power in this relationship.

Those are part of the red flags that should have pushed you to start planning for an independent life and giving yourself options not putting yourself at the mercy of such a man. I find it hard to commit myself to a relationship where the man doesn't want to tell his child and the child hates me and my child yet I give up my independence and make myself dependent on him.

Thank you . He had been given £100s of gifts not that I agreed with that either and then couldn’t be bothered to play one game of cards . I’d always kept quiet it’s the first & o my time id asked him to just do it .