Step son doesn’t want to live with me & my daughter

[TipsyPinkOrca]

So I’m looking for opinions on what’s happened & how do I move forward. I have been in a relationship with someone for 8 yrs. I moved into the flat in his house 7 yrs ago. For around 4 years when his son came to stay I had to pretend I wasn’t in a relationship with him. When his son moved in it continued . For the last 2 years his son knew we were together but we didn’t start renovations to make the flats one house . We lived together after for one month & his son spent Christmas with his mum & was rude when he came back . He was 15. I told him off on Christmas Day for not wanting to play a game with his nan& my family , and his dad made him . We all had a massive argument after Xmas & they moved into the annexe . As his son didn’t want to live with me & my daughter. All we have done - me & my partner is argue for 8 months . His son also wanted prior to this to join the army which he has. He leaves mid September. But during the 8 months out relationship has broken down, everything his son doesn’t like about us he now doesn’t like about us . Am I wasting my time ?

I don't think you're a bad person OP but from his perspective this is a bad situation that he's not happy in. I don't see a way round it other than him getting some distance and you all trying to rebuild.

You ate getting a bit of a hard tome here OP (you can’t change the past) so its now about how do you move forward Your question is “am i wasting my time”. I think you know the answer is yes- your partners doesn't want you & your daughter & has told you so. You have to take responsibility here & do what is best for you and your daughter, contact housing & get a home sorted or look for a private rent. perhaps citizens advice or woman aid for more support/advice get both you and your child out of this toxic relationship. Focus on YOUR child not your partner son. You are only wasting valuable time, take action soon to save more heart ache in the future this man clearly does not want or love you. Sorry to be so blunt but someone needs to tell you.

I wouldn’t be telling a 15 year old off and forcing him to a game that’s just torture to any 15 year old. He would have learned to respect you eventually if you hadn’t of lied or tried to force him.

Well I think I d be a long time dead waiting for respect. He asked for a £200 pair of headphones for Christmas and a week before Christmas said are you getting them cus if not I’ll get them myself. Of course his dad bought him the headphones and a £200 watch . Or his dad’s birthday last year when he bought him absolutely nothing . So I asked him the night before his dads birthday did he want me to get anything from the shop , I got him a card to give his dad , and he threw it at him the next day. The dad’s response I don’t expect anything for my birthday, I don’t like birthdays.

Thank you , your reply has made me cry . I feel very alone rn x

You talk about this kid like he's got some crazy expectations that is own father would look after him financially and buy him Christmas presents! You both have treated this boy badly and yes you're wasting your time.

Thought I was talking about respect .

I wouldn't even of gone there with my 14yr old, let alone had an argument about it. Christmas is tiring enough, especially for children who have two families to spend the day with. Arguing over a card game was completely unnecessary, he didn't get presents from him family in the expectation he joins in. They did it because he's there grandson. You are very unreasonable for not giving him some space when he walked in the door given he had just left his mums house. I'm not surprised he's angry.

Well guys I thought mums net might be a safe place to get a bit of support or advice turns out the majority of mumsnets are really rather unhelpful.
forget I asked .
but while your slagging me off and saying what a liar I am . I didn’t voluntarily lie.

I had given up my security for a man who promised me the world and told me everything would be ok. I didn’t enter the relationship lightly as I had left my daughters father my husband in the middle of the night with her and a few Carrier bags of belongings . I rebuilt our lives away from him and the courts ruled that he could only have minimal supervised contact until he ended up with brain damage . I did my best in this relationship , and he knew my past and how fragile I was. I’m just stuck now living here. Cheers

He hadn’t just walked in the door he came bs k with his brother … they had sat and opened there gifts , we all went to play a card game so his half brother who is my partners step son had no problem whatsoever with joining In . It was for ten minutes max . Forget it .

Control freaks the pair of you trying to force a 15 year old to play cards tbh

And for the record my daughter is autistic and struggles with Christmas birthdays crowds smells lights the list goes on but when she’s being disrespectful I still tell her . Different parenting . Oh and I didn’t say anything When he chucked the birthday card at my partner’s head , or when he kicked off at my partner’s birthday meal and demanded his dad get him a coffee , or when he told his dad to get him a tomahawk steak .

You lied to him for years. Where was your respect for him? Children don't get any? Where was your self-respect, taking part in this charade? You seem to be very focussed on money, but £400 on a teenager these days, I am afraid, is not uncommon. Especially not in such difficult circumstances.

This child has been lied to by every adult in his life, and you think he should be acting like a mature grown up? Maybe if he'd had some examples of mature grown-ups he might have had a stab at it. You clearly hate him. that is not going to change but he will always be his fathers son - even if he joins the army or leaves home that will never change. And whilst you are spending all this energy on maintaining a fiction of a relationship, what about your daughter? What does she deserve.

Right now it seems like this is actually all about you, and not about two children who have needed adult helpand direction and haven't got it.

OP besides anything you don't even like him. I think it's usually best to focus most of your energy on the people you actually like, it sounds like this is draining you.

How on earth are you financially dependent on him, do you not have a job ?

OP please ignore the posts giving you a hard time for “lies told to partners son” you did what you thought best at the time. Its done can’t be changed so please focus on yourself & your daughters future. Do you need advice on how to move forward, advice on finances, housing etc. mumsnetters stop knocking this woman & try and help with advice about how she can move forward with her daughter on her own. OP your not a bad person (for the lie) youve been string once & you can do it again. You are probably scared about your future but it’s got to be better than where you are now. Please start looking to citizen advice, womans aid asap

Can I also add from my point of view,

my daughters dad her actual dad made the decision 2.5 years ago that we wouldn’t be sleeping at his home when he had his son. So my daughter hasn’t woke up with her big brother in that entire time and she’s 3. He would never change it and never will change it so I gave up for that reason along side many other and my fear flr you now is once things happen and change they very very rarely go back to the healthy normal they once were. So please walk away. I should have 3 years ago when she was born.

But you held the grudge like its your best friend.

I think your best chance of fixing things is halting the renovations and go back to living in the flat. It sounds like there's a lot going on and hes freaking out. I think that he really needs the stability of being with his dad at the moment and hes a vulnerable lad in so many ways. If you got on well how it was before, then rewind to that. He needs you guys to stop rushing him. Youve had a lot more time to get used to it than him, and he may feel really insecure to realise that not only are you all together now, but that you were together the whole time and that everyone knew except him. Now youre making it into one big house and hes wondering what the hell is going to be sprung on him next.
I think i would try going back to having separate spaces again and just keep it minimal and non threatening and try and rebuild the relationship slowly.
Living together isn't all its cracked up to be anyway

Op youve made some big mistakes (not the asking him to play cards at Christmas- no issues with that). But accepting being a secret for YEARS and being financially dependent … you need to think very hard about how to earn an income because you are at high risk of being homeless with your daughter.

I think you should sit down together and you should honestly, sincerely apologise to the boy for having a pop on Christmas Day.

Sometimes simple words, an apology actually mean a lot to a kid.

He needs to know it's his home and he is loved and welcome there.

That's irrelevant OP. Your DSS doesn't want you to be a family, he doesn't like the setup and almost certainly never will. Blending families with teens is almost impossible.

Your partner needs to listen to his son and you need to move out. If you want to continue dating, away from the dcs homes, then fine but living in isn't going to work for at least a decade.

"I’m just stuck now living here. Cheers"

You aren't stuck living there OP. Do what those of us who have found ourselves in the same situation, did. I found myself a full time job and then moved me and my ds away. It took a year of planning & saving but I did it, and rebuilt my life, gave my ds a decent home, and am completely independent and happy.

A 15yo dss who is anti-the relationship, is not going to give up. His dad, quite rightly, will always put his child first, just as you would always put your DD first. So realistically you won't be accepted fully into the household until DSS is old enough to be fully independent with a permanent home elsewhere. That's probably a decade away. It is what it is.

I’m struggling with this one OP. You’re getting a hard time and I think it’s valid.

Yes it was your partner’s idea to lie but you went along with it so you are totally 100% equally complicit and should take much more responsibility for this deceit. It’s absurd to blame his ex and simply not good enough to say you raised your concerns: you and your partner have created a toxic domestic environment that is impacting the children.

And separately, you have now backed yourself into a corner by becoming entirely financially reliant on your partner. At best this is irresponsible. It’s also a bit rich commenting that his son asked for a steak or a coffee of received expensive gifts.

You are neither this boy’s parent or an adult he trusts. You have built absolutely no meaningful currency with him (providing lifts or whatever means bugger all I’m afraid) so no wonder it all kicked off when he got a telling off: he knows he’s not liked. BTW joining the army is a marvellous way for a young man to escape a dysfunctional home life.

Personally, I think you should back off, give your partner and his son space, work on building your independence and create a better home for your daughter. You can’t seriously expect her to live somewhere she’s hated, surely?