Step son doesn’t want to live with me & my daughter

[TipsyPinkOrca]

So I’m looking for opinions on what’s happened & how do I move forward. I have been in a relationship with someone for 8 yrs. I moved into the flat in his house 7 yrs ago. For around 4 years when his son came to stay I had to pretend I wasn’t in a relationship with him. When his son moved in it continued . For the last 2 years his son knew we were together but we didn’t start renovations to make the flats one house . We lived together after for one month & his son spent Christmas with his mum & was rude when he came back . He was 15. I told him off on Christmas Day for not wanting to play a game with his nan& my family , and his dad made him . We all had a massive argument after Xmas & they moved into the annexe . As his son didn’t want to live with me & my daughter. All we have done - me & my partner is argue for 8 months . His son also wanted prior to this to join the army which he has. He leaves mid September. But during the 8 months out relationship has broken down, everything his son doesn’t like about us he now doesn’t like about us . Am I wasting my time ?

This sounds like a nightmare in all respects.

You need to back off and make your own plans. You’re about to be tossed out.

Why would he want to play happy families with people who made a fool out of him!

Please get a job @TipsyPinkOrca. What would you do if your partner said it was over ?

Blimey, most people on this thread are just vile. The OP is asking for support and all you’re doing is slagging her off.

I’ve said it before but you can’t be a stepmum or mother-in-law on this site - they always get a slating no matter how bad the other party has behaved. They are ALWAYS in the wrong.

It sounds a tricky situation OP and if everyone is tiptoeing around stepson then maybe it can’t resolved. Sounds like he has been given too much power. I think I would cut my losses as it just sounds stressful.

It is time you and your DD have a home of your own.
Move out and live independently.
If your relationship continues you can each visit.

Set up long term arrangements for your daughter.

Don't worry about DSS for a few years.
Send him a birthday card and a small Xmas gift (if you and his father are still an item) but opt out of any parenting responsibilities.

You're so angry and resentful towards this child which is completely wrong and the person you should be (and probably are) angry and resentful towards is your useless partner. Unfortunately you screwed up by moving in with him and becoming financially dependent on him and now you have to unscrew it and find a way to go it alone with your DD. The 'problem' of the step son won't be cured if he goes into the army and the useless partner will still be the same useless twat after that point too.

You're so angry and resentful towards this child which is completely wrong and the person you should be (and probably are) angry and resentful towards is your useless partner. Unfortunately you screwed up by moving in with him and becoming financially dependent on him and now you have to unscrew it and find a way to go it alone with your DD. The 'problem' of the step son won't be cured if he goes into the army and the useless partner will still be the same useless twat after that point too.

You need to get a job OP, because the writing is on the wall for this relationship.

It might not be completely over yet, but this man does not want a future of living in a house with your autistic daughter, financially supporting both of you while damaging his relationship with his son.

I'm not saying he is in the right here in the way he has acted, but you should have expected problems when you had to be a dirty little secret in the flat upstairs.

Get an income, save up a deposit for a flat or try to get on the housing list because you'll probably be needing new accommodation by next year.

100s of pounds of gifts is not that much these days, considering  or samsung phone costs 700ish, which could be an appropriate gift to a young adult, especially before going off to army etc,from a parent.why try to dicipline young MAN over not wanting to play board games- its not 1960s,he is a grown man not a child and not yours.

got ages mixed up, your daighter is 20 and the partner childs is 15? why is he going to the army, everyone i know who has gone to army is to get away from home

He's joining the army - is he very fit? I do hope he sticks it but meanwhile maybe apologise for not being very understanding with his situation. Ask him if you can start over and say you are keen to support him in his career.
He has a had a very confusing teens and assuming he must accept you and his daughter is a big ask , he can be rude and, to you, selfish but I would have hated someone moving in in my teens and be struggling to adapt to ND DD. -but you are doing your best and a I would battle on as he approaches adult hood - his DF needs to priortise him a bit - joining the army is no walk in the park - he'll have lots of leave when he wants to come home be welcoming.

Edit and ignore all the complainers - you've asked for advice - presumably going forward not a dissection of your past life

Agree it’s a bit rich citing the money the dad has spent on his own son when OP and her DD are completely financially dependent on him with no such family ties. You clearly dislike him, the way you list his offences, and it’s bogus to focus on respect when none has been earned. The bottom line here isn’t really about the son - your relationship with the dad has broken down and you need to focus on what’s next for you and DD. Talk to the council and Shelter and get yourself on the housing list, as well as working out how to get financially independent. It was never a good plan to rely on a man you’re not married to and who has no obligation to you or your DD. You’ve managed before and you’ll manage again and this time not make the mistake of going along with some deeply flawed living arrangements like the one you describe. You keep blaming DP for that but if you disapproved, you could have stayed living separately as you started out and done things properly and above board, or ended it. You made choices that suited you and don’t get to take the moral high ground over this boy. Regardless, it’s over now and you’ll not have to deal with any of it when you get out of there and can focus on yourself and DD’s future. Anything else is out of your hands now and only going to prolong the pain and bad feeling.

You can’t change it now but it was very risky to move into your partners house when his son didn’t know you were in a relationship. You had the choice to move in knowing that his son didn’t know the truth. You can’t change that now but understanding you were involved in the decisions that led to this point may help you.
The son’s actions are understandable in my opinion. He feels lied to. Yes children shouldn’t be rude but this child sounds like he’s had a very difficult time with his mum and dad. Teens often are grumpy due to their hormones.
If the relationship has broken down with your partner then you would benefit from starting steps to move out & find out what you are entitled to.
So yes I think you are wasting your time.

I mean, I’d agree on the general step mum point but that can hardly apply to someone who’s pretended to be the lodger for years and then racks up all this dislike for the DS and expects respect etc etc. There’s ‘can’t do right’ and there’s ’actively done it wrong from the off’. Support to leave the situation, yes, but it’s not likely people are going to support the OP slagging this boy off the way she seems to want to.