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Original poster

Something isn't right - emotional affair or just friends?

1000 replies

FourAndFive · 14/08/2025 17:23

Name changed for this. It's a bit of a blur, and long, apologies in advance.

I need help and/or a slap to either wake me up to an emotional affair and huge gaslighting from my DH (47), or to help me deal with a shiny new friendship my DH of 24 years has.

He's hidden a friendship from me that has been going on for nearly a year. He has never, ever done this before, and has been a completely open book in all our years together. The last five years have been so good for us emotionally, and our relationship felt solid as far as I was concerned.

He has a hobby that he is obsessed (not lightheartedly obsessed, genuinely obsessed) with, and while doing this hobby he meets people from time to time. He would usually mention these people in passing, and I'm happy he's happy, so all good. About 6-7 weeks ago, he started to mention at funny times how he was meeting 'great people', and 'so many people to chat to' and 'I know so many people now' while he's doing his hobby and I thought yeah, great, but it was out of tone, and quite odd.

Fast forward a week or so, and he keeps name dropping and then tells me that I have to meet someone (single F28), because I'd really like her, and she does the hobby a bit more than he does, and has done it all over the world and how nice she is etc. and so I found myself meeting her for a few hours across two days, alongside some of her family members, who all knew about my DH and the shared hobby and thought how sweet it was... It was so very odd, and I couldn't put my finger on why, and I was so uncomfortable.

To cut a very long story short, it turns out they've been regularly meeting up since late last year, texting multiple times a day, including gifts and planning things around their hobby... I've since seen most of their messages. I have never seen my DH speak to anyone like he speaks to her (except me). He is a man who I know has strong moral boundaries, and keeps a safe distance from other women, doesn't encourage and is completely platonic with all of his female friends - which is clearly no longer the case! There is no 'sex' chat, and he talks about us occasionally (we have 2DC) but it's overly affectionate/mutual appreciation and excitement for finding each other - and I've hated reading them. (I asked him for phone access after all the minimising he was doing, and he said he'd deleted all messages - but he forgot to remove them from his deleted items, so I restored them. I know this is a massive red flag.)

I've told him that I need him to cut all contact with her - but he had serious meltdown (talk of CS), insists it's just friends and that I should trust him. I am finding this impossible, considering the lengths he's taken to hide her until recently. He hasn't done anything to reduce contact, and has even initiated meeting her multiple times, even though I specifically asked him not to. I know they met today for the hobby, and I know they've text each other, because he is telling me - at my request. But I shouldn't worry, because he loves me blah blah. I just want a bit of respite from it so I can get my head around his utterly bizarre behaviour, and consider everything that's happened. It's so unlike him.

I feel sick. The trust isn't there. I feel anxious all the time. I know what I should be doing, but I don't want him to be unhappy at the same time - especially if it is actually platonic. Thoughts please wise MN women! How do I navigate this shit show?

OP posts:
Tuesdayschild50 · 15/08/2025 20:39

Sorry you are going through this.
Is your husband prepared to lose his marriage which sounded incredibly happy until this happened lose his children friends future plans for this lonely 28 year old women.
It's really unfair that he has and continues to put your marriage where it is now to risk all that.
I can tell by what you have already posted on here that you will choose yourself and he will have to leave for awhile.
Maybe it will take a huge wake up call for your husband to see he is about to lose you and a whole life that comes with it.
Even if in the end if he does respect your wishes and feelings I'm sure it will take you awhile to feel the same again .
Either way there will be resentment it's if you are both strong enough to overcome it .
As in him respecting your boundary and you being able to forgive him for putting you here.
Good luck op big hugs x

KaleQueen · 15/08/2025 20:41

@FourAndFive please ignore any advice to show him this thread (I’m sure you won’t you seem to be sensible) but that would be stupid (and isn’t great advice in this context, with apologies to PP who im sure meant well)

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 15/08/2025 20:43

@FourAndFive Have you thought about ringing her and telling her the state he has got into over her. Maybe be totally honest about the suicide threats and all the nonsense he is coming out with because it might give her the massive ick!

Your marriage is still over. It's over anyway but in your shoes, I wouldn't hesitate to fuck it up for him given what he is handing out.

Marieb19 · 15/08/2025 20:44

See a solicitor. You need to start making plans to protect yourself.

Horsie · 15/08/2025 20:44

FourAndFive · 14/08/2025 17:59

Agree!

This is what happened.. I gave him non-negotiable boundaries (no meet ups, no texts), after weeks of asking him to back off the friendship so I could deal with it. He then had the meltdown, and talked of ending it all - this is when I backed down. I shouldn't have - he just looked so totally defeated and unhappy, and at that point I put myself second.

Show quote history

Wait. Hold up there. He threatened suicide because you asked him to end an inappropriately close friendship with another female? That manipulative sod!!!

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 20:55

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/08/2025 18:34

It’s clear that he is prioritising the hobby relationship above your marriage and family. I’d explain to him very clearly that you understand the hobby relationship is the most important relationship in his life, and that it’s probably time to have a conversation about how the logistics of a divorce would work - splitting the house/assets/where the children would live/ pensions etc. A cold dose of reality might be enough to wake him from his ideal scenario of comfy home life alongside the hobby relationship .

This is right.

It's hard to tell from what you've said whether he is actually thinking of jumping ship or whether he's having a classic mid-life crisis. But he sounds like a child. He clearly is in massive denial and hasn't begun to engage with the seriousness of what is happening or is bargaining with himself that he can continue to live in this Peter Pan world where you will come around to the wonderfulness of his new friendship given enough time. It sounds as if he isn't even self aware enough to realise that he's becoming emotionally involved with her. The suicide threat was genuinely pathetic. I'm sorry, and I would never normally trivialise this but I would have struggled not to laugh.

He will eventually have to snap out of it and make a choice one way of the other, which is what he clearly doesn't want to have to do. You can't make that choice for him and you can't order or mandate anything for him. You may ultimately have to leave him and you should be prepared to if it carries on like this.

What you can and should do now is make clear that you and your children are no longer going to play along with this and engage in this ridiculous charade. I think calling his bluff on the suicide threat might be unnecessary. I think you just need to make it starkly clear to him what he is about to lose if he carries on down this path, and ask him to leave to think about it.

Whether you can move forwards from this or not is up to you. I personally don't think I could. You seem, up to this point, to have had a strong marriage so its your call. But he really needs to be made to confront what he is doing.

Clear as day. 100%

whyisnothingsimple · 15/08/2025 20:58

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 15/08/2025 20:43

@FourAndFive Have you thought about ringing her and telling her the state he has got into over her. Maybe be totally honest about the suicide threats and all the nonsense he is coming out with because it might give her the massive ick!

Your marriage is still over. It's over anyway but in your shoes, I wouldn't hesitate to fuck it up for him given what he is handing out.

Why on earth would she? It’s not down to the ‘friend’ but down to his behaviour - we need to stop putting solutions onto the female instead of the male

outerspacepotato · 15/08/2025 21:04

Before you speak with him about leaving, research the mental health crisis response you have available in your area. Have that number on your phone. I'm not in your country, we can call police emergency # or suicide prevention line.

If he threatens suicide again, use that # immediately. Do not let him talk you out of calling.

If he's having suicidal ideation or actively suicidal, he needs immediate intervention and treatment. If he's using threats of suicide to manipulate you, you'll find out he's no longer the nice simple guy you've thought. Either way, he should not be in the home with you and your kids.

Do you have someone you can check in with afterwards to confirm you're safe?

Also, remove any weapons from your home.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/08/2025 21:06

teawamutu · 15/08/2025 19:37

I remember her very well, such a sad thread.

I was wondering about her the other day (she had 'dusk' in her name - if you're reading, OP, I hope you're happier now).

Show quote history

I think she was called In the dusk with the light behind her.

Even her name made me weep. Such a sad story.

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 15/08/2025 21:09

whyisnothingsimple · 15/08/2025 20:58

Why on earth would she? It’s not down to the ‘friend’ but down to his behaviour - we need to stop putting solutions onto the female instead of the male

Show quote history

I'm not expecting OP to take on any burden. I'm advising her to fuck up his affair as she steps out the door.

Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:17

KidsDoBetter · 15/08/2025 17:52

@FourAndFive

I had very expensive marriage therapy (that ultimately didn't save my marriage) but I still took away a single important lesson from the therapist...

His key point as to why marriages fail is that one (or both) parties prioritise something - or someone - else above their marriage:

That could be -
their career,
alcohol,
a hobby,
their children (controversially this guy believed that),
socialising
conspiracy theories (in my ex's case)

It's very clear where this scenario falls using that simple metric.

Rather than trying to argue what his or her motivations are (which he may not fully consciously know in any case) - he is 100% prioritising his "friendship" with her WAY above your marriage.

To do that - and also to weaponise suicide - are close to unforgiveable in my opinion.

By contrast - your actions are not designed to take something healthy away from him. They are the actions of someone prioritising their marriage - fighting for it in fact. It is not a healthy, normal or appropriate - for someone to threaten suicide in this scenario.

I'd also be VERY interested to know what suddenly triggered his soft launch of her existence to you - then obvs the full introduction - after the previous months' complete silence about her?

Interesting and I agree with you.

Because he couldn’t hide her anymore, basically.

OP posts:
Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 21:19

Horsie · 15/08/2025 20:44

Wait. Hold up there. He threatened suicide because you asked him to end an inappropriately close friendship with another female? That manipulative sod!!!

Show quote history

This man is a joke. I don't like the sound of him. There was a thread about Ginger whose husband was in that level of denial.

MachineBee · 15/08/2025 21:21

So sorry you’re dealing with this OP and sending you best wishes for the weekend. You said your DCs know some of what’s happening- this is good. Please tell your wider family if you can. That way he can’t rewrite history and you won’t be having to bear this while keep his awful behaviour a secret. I did that and when my first marriage ended, it took my family a long time to deal with shock and they weren’t able to process it quickly to give me much support.

ForeverPombear · 15/08/2025 21:22

My ex did something similar, but she was a work colleague and I only found out because I went to a work event with him, she was there and another female work colleague warned me about what had been happening. He said nothing was going on, I trusted him and found out about five years later that I should never have trusted him.

Whatever is going on between him and her, he is prioritising her over you. You deserve to be treated better than that. You should be his number 1 and the one who he is worried about upsetting, not her.

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 21:22

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 21:19

This man is a joke. I don't like the sound of him. There was a thread about Ginger whose husband was in that level of denial.

Show quote history

Ginger was also advised that men with this level of fake self holiness in denial will get violent if put properly against a wall.

Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:25

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/08/2025 18:34

It’s clear that he is prioritising the hobby relationship above your marriage and family. I’d explain to him very clearly that you understand the hobby relationship is the most important relationship in his life, and that it’s probably time to have a conversation about how the logistics of a divorce would work - splitting the house/assets/where the children would live/ pensions etc. A cold dose of reality might be enough to wake him from his ideal scenario of comfy home life alongside the hobby relationship .

This is right.

It's hard to tell from what you've said whether he is actually thinking of jumping ship or whether he's having a classic mid-life crisis. But he sounds like a child. He clearly is in massive denial and hasn't begun to engage with the seriousness of what is happening or is bargaining with himself that he can continue to live in this Peter Pan world where you will come around to the wonderfulness of his new friendship given enough time. It sounds as if he isn't even self aware enough to realise that he's becoming emotionally involved with her. The suicide threat was genuinely pathetic. I'm sorry, and I would never normally trivialise this but I would have struggled not to laugh.

He will eventually have to snap out of it and make a choice one way of the other, which is what he clearly doesn't want to have to do. You can't make that choice for him and you can't order or mandate anything for him. You may ultimately have to leave him and you should be prepared to if it carries on like this.

What you can and should do now is make clear that you and your children are no longer going to play along with this and engage in this ridiculous charade. I think calling his bluff on the suicide threat might be unnecessary. I think you just need to make it starkly clear to him what he is about to lose if he carries on down this path, and ask him to leave to think about it.

Whether you can move forwards from this or not is up to you. I personally don't think I could. You seem, up to this point, to have had a strong marriage so its your call. But he really needs to be made to confront what he is doing.

I agree with it too.

I think to an extent it is a midlife crisis.

Thank you for taking the time to post, he absolutely has to confront what he is doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:34

UpMyself · 15/08/2025 19:29

There are some single women who get a kick from being the OW.
I wouldn't be surprised if OP's DH had said that he and his wife were no longer in a 'marital' relationship and were just best friends and housemates.

Hope this isn't the case.

No, I’m definitely the wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:36

SeptaUnellasBell · 15/08/2025 19:29

I agree. Show him op.

Hi OPs husband 💁🏻‍♀️

You’re not going to commit suicide because by the sounds of it you’re not even brave enough to break contact with your little girlfriend you gaslighting, pathetic manchild of a grown-up - ‘ooooh hobby friends’ 🙄

You’re 48. The same age as my husband. My husband has hobbies, that’s all they are. Hobbies - little side interests that’s only real purpose in an adult your age are to keep your little head cogs turning and your knees from seizing up. Being that your ‘hobby’, carried on in the way you are IS going to lose you your wife and probably your children, being that they’re of an age that they don’t need to be protected and will hate you when they find out what sort of spineless wanker you are, I would suggest you give the hobby up alongside the nasty little pterodactyl you claim to be such good friends with.

Start to grow up, your frontal lobe should have developed by now (I think it’s about 43 years in a man or is yours delayed for some reason other than you just being a selfish cunt?) and man the fuck up. God, I have read thousands of threads on here about men like you fucking their families up because their midlife crisis means they believe some young spinster fancies them and they ‘have a connection’ 🤣🤣 the only connection she wants with you is your wallet you thick idiot. You have a good wife who, for some inexplicable reason at the minute loves you, don’t be another man sitting in a pokey flat wondering what went wrong when in all honesty ‘they’ are went wrong. Be a man.

OP, I know you love your husband and you want the real one back, but you are worth so much more than this. You’re in charge, you hold the cards. He either conforms or can make his hobby his reality and suffer the consequences. Which he will.

Show quote history

My best mate couldn’t have put that better!! Thank you for the smile haha@SeptaUnellasBell x

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 15/08/2025 21:39

Men are just awful.

@FourAndFive please do not put all your energy into fixing your husbands “ mental health problem” as I don’t think he has one.

i caught my ex partner cheating online ( we met online) and after all the denials ect he came clean and blamrd his mental health and low confidence. A man that cheats on their partner doesn’t come across to me as being low in confidence, I feel it’s the exact opposite: Same with mental health.

I say this as I’m worried you will put so much energy into your DH that your own mental health will suffer. You need to start putting yourself first. He’s changed, he’s not the man you know and love anymore. You need to change too.

Jollyhockeystickss · 15/08/2025 21:40

FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:34

No, I’m definitely the wife.

Show quote history

100% of men believe being unfaithful is full sex nothing else counts

Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:45

HotHotHome · 15/08/2025 19:48

It's a good question, maybe the level of intensity has heightened and he's become frightened.

They may be on the cusp of physical, I should imagine this friend has now completed total take over of his thoughts, constant messaging can act as brainwashing.
It's amazing how influenced they can become.

So the other question is, who is leading and pushing this friendship.

Show quote history

Its 50/50 I’d say, although he has instigated more since I asked him to stop.

His messages are light and breezy too, it’s become so natural, a complete change to his usual style. He’d rather call than text.

OP posts:
Maia77 · 15/08/2025 21:49

This might be a fleeting fancy. Sadly, he does seem infatuated, but it could fizzle out. Maybe a midlife crisis.

Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:53

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/08/2025 20:10

I would add, that I know it seems like the advice you are getting is drastic action.
You love him, you feel that you know him well, that you don't want to be overly dramatic and you want to give this person who is your closest person the benefit of the doubt.
But many of us are speaking from experience of being where you are. It's so confusing at the time, the unimaginable has happened / is happening and it will get worse if you do nothing. They don't want to be the one to jump, to be the bad guy. When my dh declared his emotional affair to me, I shared that here and got similar advice. I fought tooth and nail that weekend for my marriage. I was confident in it, and in my dh. I wish I'd listened quicker. 4 days after he told me, and ended the ea, he attended an overnight event with her. I was so completely convinced he couldn't have seen the damage he did to me and still go and be with her. I was never so certain he wouldn't do anything. He slept with her at that event.
When he got home I knew something was off despite all his loving behaviour and reassurance so I asked him to leave. I found out they'd slept together about 10 days later, after he'd begged to come home ( I said no at that time)
We are still together and working hard on our marriage but i really wish I'd take a step back and listened to the advice I'd got here at the time.
We feel like posters can't understand fully as they don't know our husbands and our marriages but the course of action these men take always follows the same pattern..

Thank you so much for sharing your story and I’m so sorry it happened to you, and it escalated like that. What a shit.

I wish you all the best for your future.

I’ve believed in him for so long, it hits me like a tonne of bricks when I remember why I have rocks of anxiety in my stomach.

OP posts:
Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 21:56

Christwosheds · 15/08/2025 20:15

I thought that too. He doesn’t sound like an adult man.
It’s all quite weird, is he having some sort of mental breakdown or crisis ? Is he on the spectrum and prone to obsessive behaviour ?
Do your children know anything about it ?

Show quote history

Obsessive, yes, without doubt. Not on the spectrum, no indication anyway.

OP posts:
Francestein · 15/08/2025 21:59

Maybe little Missy hasn’t got any friends because she’s actually a devious, power-hungry splitter.

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