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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH new girlfriend - want to scream

86 replies

pipersing · 14/08/2025 12:04

I divorced last year after 28 years; thought I was ok at the time and getting on with my life.

Just been told ex has a new girlfriend of 5 months and I feel utterly heartbroken. These feelings have suddenly surfaced and the grief takes my breath away. DC have met her and everytime the mention her or the relationship I feel sick. I just want to disappear into a hole and shut it out.
I have early happy memories on a loop in my head and then I keep picturing him with her.

What makes it worse is he is making zero effort to see DC (teens) and of course they then vent to me. I am very careful to keep my opinions to myself but all I want to do is rage!

how do I get passed this? I feel old, ugly and worthless

OP posts:
RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 12:05

Why did you split up? Tell us all his bad points!

YodasHairyButt · 14/08/2025 12:06

Just keep reminding yourself why you are divorced.

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 12:14

We split up for a multitude of reasons but no major drama. My mind is tricking me into thinking it was the wrong decision which of course I know it wasn’t but now all I can see times when we were happy

OP posts:
Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 12:17

One of the issues was that I never felt looked after or a priority. To hear he is constantly travelling miles to be with GF and spending every spare minute with her is gut wrenching.

OP posts:
YodasHairyButt · 14/08/2025 12:19

He’s still on his best behaviour with the new gf. He will revert to type eventually, people don’t change.

Cannedlaughter · 14/08/2025 12:22

It’s so understandable to feel like that. Our brains do really unhelpful things sometimes.
you will still be grieving the loss of someone you thought once was the one. Even though you know the reason to divorce is valid and you wouldn’t want it any other way, it can leave you with a feeling of rejection and not being good enough.
At some point the thoughts will change to, not caring about it, just getting on with your life, it can take ages but the feelings will slowly subside. Just be gentle on yourself.

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 12:27

Thank you, maybe it’s just a delayed reaction to it all. I was so focused on the logistics of separating I had no capacity to deal with the emotional fallout.
I do feel worthless

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2025 12:30

But - he very clearly isn’t a nice person AT ALL given he doesn’t bother with his kids. Isn’t that a very clear indication of his selfish personality?! Once the penny drops, you’ll be glad someone else has to put up with him.

Cantsleepwontsleepeveragain · 14/08/2025 12:33

A therapist once told me that it is quite normal to feel upset when your ex gets a new partner and that it doesn’t mean that you want him back yourself.

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 12:33

His excuse is that DC are always busy when he tries to make plans so why shouldn’t he get on with his life

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 14/08/2025 12:36

Guessing the new gf may be considerably younger?
In which case, he has to be on his best behaviour with her.

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 12:39

She is only a few years younger but has a young son. Obviously Ex will be spending a considerable amount of time with him

OP posts:
NarcissaMalfoy · 14/08/2025 13:05

I’m going through something similar. I’m not quite sure what I feel about it.
It took me a long time to get rid of him, he was not a good husband and treated me very badly over the years. I was completely broken by the end.

I feel a little bit used up, I gave him all my good years. Our kids are older now, so this should be the time, when we’re going on weekends away, staying out late, easing back at work, like I see lots of my friends doing.
My rational mind knows none of that would have happened because he made no effort to do anything I wanted to do and I was completely miserable, but I’m still feeling like I lost something.

Peaceisenough · 14/08/2025 13:22

Can you write here 5 reasons why you needed the divorce OP? It will help to remind you why you made that decision.

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 13:57
  1. Didn’t put me first or protect me in the basic sense
  2. He made every single big life decision, no compromise.
  3. Let me take the mental load for EVERYTHING including parenting
  4. never organised anything (I too wistfully imagine another life where our DC were now at an age where we could enjoy our life again; weekends away etc. was never gonna happen; too many other ‘priorities’
  5. drank far too much and wouldn’t acknowledge my frustration (now apparently teetotal)
OP posts:
Peaceisenough · 14/08/2025 14:16

pipersing · 14/08/2025 13:57

  1. Didn’t put me first or protect me in the basic sense
  2. He made every single big life decision, no compromise.
  3. Let me take the mental load for EVERYTHING including parenting
  4. never organised anything (I too wistfully imagine another life where our DC were now at an age where we could enjoy our life again; weekends away etc. was never gonna happen; too many other ‘priorities’
  5. drank far too much and wouldn’t acknowledge my frustration (now apparently teetotal)

So when you take the emotion out of things, you made the right decision didn’t you. I know how hard it is when the past drags you back but that’s just another hurdle to deal with.

Allow yourself to grieve and write a journal to see how far you’ve come each day, it helps.

Cantsleepwontsleepeveragain · 14/08/2025 14:17

Sounds like you are mourning the loss of the life you wanted to have with him rather than the life that you did have and would have had going forward if you hadn’t divorced?

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 14:38

Cantsleepwontsleepeveragain · 14/08/2025 14:17

Sounds like you are mourning the loss of the life you wanted to have with him rather than the life that you did have and would have had going forward if you hadn’t divorced?

You are right which makes me feel even sadder, especially as it seems he is now living that life

OP posts:
Cantsleepwontsleepeveragain · 14/08/2025 14:48

pipersing · 14/08/2025 14:38

You are right which makes me feel even sadder, especially as it seems he is now living that life

Show quote history

As others have said, it is early days atm and he will show his true colours to the new GF before long. He must have treated you better when you first met otherwise you wouldn’t have even married him?

Also, you don’t really know how well he is treating her so it might already not be as rosy as it appears from outside their relationship.

MamaElephantMama · 14/08/2025 14:50

I would be repulsed that he is choosing to chase his new girlfriend over seeing his kids. He won’t be a new and improved man because she is around.

Focus on yourself and do things that will make you happy and build your confidence back up.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/08/2025 14:58

Men do tend to do this, OP. Their reaction to being dismissed ( because it seems that you got fed up with him?)is to rush off and find a new woman to prove to himself but more importantly to you and the rest of the world just how desirable he is.

Dont be fooled. Do you really think he has managed to find the perfect partner , the love of his life in FIVE months 🤣? I guessed before I got that far that she would be younger and with a dependent child, so maybe pretty desperate herself ( to have introduced him to her child after FIVE months or even less).

Just shrug, OP. It is unlikely to end well, but you shouldn’t stoop to caring.

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 15:06

After initial polite introductions to the GF our DC are now really angry at him and his rapid withdrawal from their lives. DD in particular has never been one to hold back when upset and has given it to him both barrels.

I suspect he didn't handle being on his own at all (especially without me to babysit him) and has gone head first into another relationship to fill the void.

OP posts:
DiligentStrawberry · 14/08/2025 15:09

OP, it is horrible but it may not be the worst thing to happen. This is part of your healing journey and it is now another bad thing that is done and you have survived. It is tough.

As another perspective, my DP’s ex had a similar reaction to you when we got together. It really distressed their DC and caused a lot of fallout. The DC had witnessed their mum telling their dad to get out - then when he did she was even more unhappy. It just added to the stress.

ivegotthisyeah · 14/08/2025 15:12

Remember your not grieving him, your grieving the life you could have had the one you thought would be your future.
it’s your brain playing tricks

Original poster
pipersing · 14/08/2025 15:12

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/08/2025 14:58

Men do tend to do this, OP. Their reaction to being dismissed ( because it seems that you got fed up with him?)is to rush off and find a new woman to prove to himself but more importantly to you and the rest of the world just how desirable he is.

Dont be fooled. Do you really think he has managed to find the perfect partner , the love of his life in FIVE months 🤣? I guessed before I got that far that she would be younger and with a dependent child, so maybe pretty desperate herself ( to have introduced him to her child after FIVE months or even less).

Just shrug, OP. It is unlikely to end well, but you shouldn’t stoop to caring.

Cross posts. Bingo!
Also sure their attempt at playing happy families is at this very moment being rudely interrupt by raging teenagers messaging him every half hour!

OP posts: