ExH new girlfriend - want to scream

[pipersing]

I divorced last year after 28 years; thought I was ok at the time and getting on with my life.

Just been told ex has a new girlfriend of 5 months and I feel utterly heartbroken. These feelings have suddenly surfaced and the grief takes my breath away. DC have met her and everytime the mention her or the relationship I feel sick. I just want to disappear into a hole and shut it out.
I have early happy memories on a loop in my head and then I keep picturing him with her.

What makes it worse is he is making zero effort to see DC (teens) and of course they then vent to me. I am very careful to keep my opinions to myself but all I want to do is rage!

how do I get passed this? I feel old, ugly and worthless

Thank you for your perspective. I am acutely aware of the impact on DC - parents divorcing, then new relatioship within 9 months.
I am firmly keeping my emotions and opinions under wraps around them (not so much my close friends!); they’ve been through enough without Mum falling apart.

have also started journalling, pages and pages of nonsensical outpourings. Resurfaced memories, good and bad, grieving for our relationship and what I hoped we could be vs the reality. Don’t read back a word of it, but just writing it down seems to help somehow

Your life with him would never have become what you want. Your life without him might.

Sounds like an absolutely normal and logical reaction to the situation. A bit delayed maybe but otherwise par for the course. It took me a good couple of years to feel halfway normal again after splitting with my ex, and even now, 12 years later, my brain still occasionally serves me up a reminder. In my case, there was no question as to whether we would break up; he treated me and the kids shittily while having an affair. In some ways, though horrible, that makes it easier as I don't question my decision. The fact that you are wobbling a bit just shows that you are a conscientious and thoughtful person who wants to do the right thing, so reflects on her choices. Seems to have been clearcut decision in your case too, but reflection is generally a good sign :)

Your children are adults? Why not show some emotion around them? You're not adding to their emotional load; you're showing them that it's OK to be sad, angry etc. Let them know that you want them to be able to vent, but show them that they do actually need to take your feelings into consideration a bit too. Putting yourself second to their needs is very kind of you, but you deserve to be treated with consideration too. Always putting your needs second will not help with your feelings of worthlessness.

He didn’t want to be with you and he does with his new girlfriend, it’s just a fact that you need to accept.

No easy way to do it.

It was a decision I took as the very last resort. I tried every other available avenue including couples therapy. It came to a point where as much as I loved him I knew nothing would change and I either had to put up or get out.

It’s not what I wanted or dreamed would ever hapoen but here we are

Omg! I could have written that!
Also got an exH who appears to treat new partner so much better. She is a fair few years younger than me.
The tee total thing in my case really annoys me; I begged him to give up or cut down but he wouldn't do that for me or his kids. Now he is a clean living, exercise-obsessed tee totaller. It's so irritating!

I absolutely know the feeling you describe, it's a deep down painful jealousy that just feels horrible.

I know this sounds harsh (and I was with an alcoholic for many years so can completely sympathise!) but maybe he's just with the right person now?

I begged my ex for years to give up drinking and he wouldn't. So we split up and I moved out. He's now completely sober and living a happy and healthy life (and I am genuinely delighted for him!) but I recognise that this probably wouldn't have happened if we had stayed together.

Likewise I'm now far happier with DH and live a calm, quiet and content life which I never did with my ex!

Sometimes people just aren't meant to be and end up at different places in life and that's ok.

I think its normal to feel like that. You know its the right decision to end your marriage. Feel sorry for the new woman. She has yo put up with him.

It will help pipersing and it’s good that you don’t read it back because that can re-traumatise you. Remember that this is all part of the healing and grieving process, you will get through this and be stronger for it. ❤️.

He will most likely revert back to type sooner or later.

If his GF has got any sense, she shouldn’t be very impressed with the way he doesn’t prioritise his DCs. It says a lot about him.

Yes for now. They always put the effort in with a new shag OP.

You'll just have to ride the waves. Would you really want him back in the house with his man ways? He's ignoring his bairns for a woman. It pretty much tells you what type of bloke he is.

I walked out on my ex after 28 years. No abuse, we’d just grown apart. I didn’t give a toss about any girlfriends but marriage breakdown always makes you feel you've failed.

It’ll pass.

However good the good times with him were, your reasons for ending the marriage seem compelling, and the way he has treated the DC since then is a disgrace and further evidence that his priorities are not those that a father’s should be.

If he had a drink problem, he might well now just be a ‘dry’ boozer - selfish, immature etc. His actions suggest this could be the case.

More fool his GF for dating and introducing her DC to a man who rarely sees his DC.

It's awful OP, but it is part of the transition to you being free. He will be on his best behaviour, trying to impress. Being a different person to the one that you know.
In these circumstances I remember all of the bad things and am thankful that it's not me.

Yes, I totally get what you are saying.
I think it was actually the guilt he felt over his hidden infidelity that fuelled my ExH's drinking. But I guess the infidelity itself was fuelled by being with the wrong person.

Cognitively I know this & understand it & I also know we weren't right together long term, but those jealousy feelings & feelings of "why wasn't I enough?" are just hard to control. Especially at first.

Blimey, you were at the back of the queue when empathy was being handed out 🤣

he was in a hugely stressful job which definitely contributed to his drinking and destruction of family life.

I wanted him to find something else….

He has since left that role and works normal hours; I’m told the drinking has stopped. I freely admit I am jealous and sad he would do that for someone else but not me or our family.

My ex put in far more effort for his mistress than for me. But it reminded me of how he was when we were first dating. Maybe this was the same pattern OP?

That seems highly likely.

And as soon as he gets sick of the girlfriend's child, this will go tits up.

If he wasn't with someone else you probably wouldn't give him a second thought. Itsa perfectly normal reaction. He won't be able to keep his behaviour up though. They always revert to type. Might not be anytime soon but it'll happen. His ego is on a high with a younger woman but she'll get fed up with him or maybe stay as it's useful financially. He'll soon get fed up with the childcare issues as he's already done it once. By that time you'll be completely over him. His past behaviour doesn't make him seem like a catch and she can be the next mug that puts up with him.
Don't look at the past through rose coloured glasses. If it was that good you'd still be with him. It wasn't. Just remember that he didn't treat you in the way you deserved. It'll get easier I promise.

I went through a very similar experience, having been separated for a year and blissfully happy the minute I heard my ex had a new partner I was overwhelmed with emotion. Couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. Like you OP I was imagining them together and it was a very rose tinted image, of course I was putting two and two together and coming up with 10! After the initial honeymoon period, it ended, he was dreadful to her and she was very upset with him. Complete disaster that me and my kids all had to experience.

At times I did think that maybe we should be back together, minimised the horrible bits and blamed myself for being worn down by kids and work and not doing enough together.

It really did take me a few months to get over it and now the two year stage has passed since our separation I honestly feel like a different person.

I think it’s all the stages of grief coming out, as other posters have helpfully explained. Grief for the hope that kept us in an unhappy marriage for far too long.

Can't you feel really ANGRY that he knew all the things he should have done in your relationship (as evidenced by the fact that he's doing them for and with New GF), but that he didn't think it was worth him doing them with you? He disregarded you so totally that he couldn't even pretend to try to keep your marriage together - so now he's pulling out all those unpulled stops for her.

It won't last, OP. He's playing at being Perfect Boyfriend. They can keep it up for about a year then they start to slip.

It's only early days with his new GF, might not last

Think it’s pretty normal this.

Just run with it and your feelings will settle down.

It was inevitable eventually.