Badoo

[Pregnanttoad]

Hi
I'm wondering if anyone can help me please.
Checked some online bank statements with my partner for something and I noticed repeated transactions showing £5.49 from [email protected]
He's saying they are transactions from online phone games however when I asked him to show me the games he wouldn't.
He was also very attentive last night in a way that suggested he was feeling guilty. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach when I saw the transactions and it hasn't gone away.
I'm not someone who has trust issues, I'm usually pretty chilled.
Is there anyone who can advise me please? Partner has denied any wrong doing etc and has said he won't buy online games anymore, I said I have absolutely no issue with him buying online games, but it doesn't make sense that transactions are saying Badoo on it?
Thanks

I've packed and driven to my mum's house. I've told him I need space. He was trying to give me an ultimatum this morning and I just went. I wouldn't let him go on holiday with just my son at the moment. He's only 4 and half months old and has never spent a night away from me. Also he struggles with basic care of the baby so I would worry

Well done for acting decisively. I think you have done something positive. Even if your mum's is not a good long term solution it buys you space.

Well done for going to your mums. You need love and support, not your partner and his mum gaslighting you to try and minimise the disgusting things that he has done to you and your baby.

What was the ultimatum? Whatever it is, how on earth does he believe that he is in a position to give you an ultimatum as though he has the moral high ground in this awful situation.

He makes me feel sick.

Well I've been weak and gone back. Fourth time I've packed my bags this week, I'm exhausted and confused.
We had sex twice and talked then at bedtime I said I wanted to separate and we spoke and cried for ages and then we agreed to carry on our relationship. I just don't know what I want or what I should do. I'm so weak and pathetic.
I love him with all my heart, we have a beautiful baby together and that's why it's so hard to walk away but I get so devastated every time I think about what he has done. The separation talk was triggered by an advert for plenty of fish that came up. He has ruined my brain, I don't know what I want and going to my mum's is so stressful that it means I can't get peace there

Do you really want your child growing up with this pathetic man as his role model? He has zero respect for your but at least respect yourself. Do the Freedom Programme even if you decide to stay with him.

You can give him another chance if you believe in your heart he’s serious about making amends and would never do it again. What has he promised to prove to you, you can trust him? Has he offered an open phone policy, given you access to his location, given you his passwords for his emails and online banking?

Without these he’s not serious about not doing it again — even now when he’s on his best behaviour.

If you really want to try again get promises and conditions from him. You don’t want to monitor him but you will need transparency for your peace of mind. Knowing he’s not hiding anything because you have the ability to check with help. It doesn’t mean you have to look but these triggers will keep on happening. He’s ok at reassuring you now because you are on the brink of leaving but once you have ‘forgiven’ him and moved on he will no doubt expect you to stop bringing it up and trust him. It’s not fair to expect that. You can’t wake up tomorrow and trust him. It will be built up over time with his trustworthy behaviour which includes transparency. If he doesn’t understand this your relationship will be stuck on this loop of anxiety and fear.

You and your child deserve better, OP.

I have respect for myself. It is hard though as I was abused as a child and then in an abusive relationship following that for 20 years so my boundaries are confused if that makes sense.
I've done the freedom project before

He's promised open phone policy which I can check freely, check bank statements etc.
I do believe he is sorry for the hurt he has caused. I never saw him cry before but he was crying yesterday, real tears and genuine upset/shame etc.
He seems to fully recognise just how awful he has treated me and this is insight which he didn't seem to have before.

There are two things that are lingering in my head which I need to share.

1. He was honest and said he would have continued doing this if he hadn't been caught out. He said this would have continued until he didn't get the sexual thrill of it and would have fizzled out. That hurt to hear it but at least he was truthful in that 2)He said he did this to his previous girlfriend who he wasn't happy with. This information came out as I pushed and questioned him. I believe he wasn't looking for another relationship this time but I know how bad he has behaved, it's despicable and I am not sweeping anything under the rug just trying to process everything and make good decisions for all my kids.

I know. It's a hard decision about whether I need to end the relationship or whether we can work through it as I want to make sure my kids are at the heart of any decisions I make. I'm not sure if that makes sense, I mean they come first but I wouldn't stay in a relationship for the baby as that doesn't work and isn't what I want in life either.
I have four children to think about, 3 with my ex husband and one with my current partner

I really do appreciate everyone's advice. You are truly helping me through an awful time in my life

You need to firstly recognize his treatment of you as abuse and then commit to the fact that you don't want these cycles to continue and repeated for your kids. You and your DH are exposing your kids to abuse by staying together unfortunately.

Could you explain why you think partner has been abusive to me please? I had not viewed this situation as abusive. I have viewed it as betrayal, unloyal, horrendous behaviour but not abusive.
My older children are not exposed to this situation at all. They are with their dad for some of the summer holidays so have absolutely no idea what has been going on.
My baby has been here and will have definitely picked up on the atmosphere and stuff going on despite me trying my best to protect him from it. He is nearly 5 months old and I don't want to make the same mistakes as I did with my older kids and ex husband so I really do appreciate people explaining their points of view and giving me advice. I am listening and learning

I've also had a conversation about his bank statements cos he said I could check them openly. His comment was weird, he said if Badoo came u again for any reason then it would be them trying to sell him stuff.
I said that's not the case as it's just purchases that would show up. That comment made me uneasy as it made me feel he was trying to preempt me seeing something etc and make me feel he hadn't done something again when he had?

Agree he’s trying to set a narrative to get ahead of it himself. Personally I would be getting everything lined up so you could leave if his promises are empty. I understand the need to try when you have children together but don’t let him destroy your MH.

I'm checking his phone tonight including asking him to reinstall the Badoo app and checking bank statements and what's app. I suspect I will find more stuff. I'm spending the afternoon packing properly and then if I need to leave me and baby will be going to my sister's tomorrow as she is off work. If I leave tomorrow that's it, I will not go back and will need to only have contact with him about seeing his son.
To be strong I will need to block him or something while the dust settles so I cannot go back.
I won't be living on this rollercoaster either way. Either we split up or we work through it and move on together. Only time will tell

@Pregnanttoad a wise move, you can’t go forward on what may be half truths and make him do it in front of you - if he won’t then there’s stuff he’s not told you

Sorry OP but he was crying because he got caught. Spending the rest of your life checking phones etc and looking over your shoulder is no way to live. I hope you come to a good resolution soon.

Yeah I agree. I'm checking his phone today as I want to make sure I know everything before I make a decision but it is not something I would do or want to do in a relationship ever. I am doing it because he has lied when being confronted by the truth and so his words are meaningless right now.

I think he was crying at the thought of me moving away with our son more than anything. It was a weird cry tbh the more I think about it.

I also don't like that he told me he had spoken to his mum yesterday and one of the thing they had decided was that I'm spending too much time indoors. I said that's got nothing to do with anything, I'm out and about when me and baby have things planned but not going out for the sake of it. I said this situation is because of his actions, not to do with me

It felt like his mum and him were almost trying to blame me. Like they were saying I was reading too much into the situation as I was at home too much?maybe I'm being paranoid but it was just such a strange comment.

This is gaslighting. Trying to make you think it's somehow your fault, shifting the blame. They want you to feel this way so you question what you know in your own mind is true and don't leave.

You don't need any more proof.

Over 149 women on WhatsApp. And suddenly now he knows it's wrong?

It's all bullshit.

So his mum thinks that the problem is you not getting out of the house enough and not her son being unable to keep his dick in his trousers.

He has obviously been enabled by his mum to never take responsibility for any of his actions.

Yeah I feel like first of all his mum was like this is disgusting, I'm ashamed of his behaviour reaction then after a few days it had changed to more trying to sweep under the carpet type. Initially I felt very supported by her but ultimately it is her son and she will always prioritise him over me. I understand that but I have to prioritise my children and myself over anyone else

Sorry, but you’re right. It’s a very, very strange comment.

At 4 months and younger it’s best for your new born to spend a good amount of time at home, they need so much attention and care at that age. Any man should realise and understand that.

My partner spent a lot of time at home with ours at that age whilst she was on maternity and it was very tough (I work from home and we were in a very tiny flat), but we coped.

Please don’t let them put any blame on you, or / and allow you to feel guilty about spending time at home.