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Original poster

Is it normal for conversations with DH to stagnate after a year?

88 replies

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 02:37

I've been with my partner for almost a year (realize now that I put DH in the title but we're unmarried!!).
Recently whenever we spend time together we seem to struggle to find interesting and lasting conversation topics.

When we met, conversations were fairly standard, nothing exceptional (none of the 'hours on end, stay up into the night' type conversations), but not dull.
We never had the "fireworks and passion" phase either... which I interpreted as a possible green flag, or at least a neutral sign for our connection, as in the past, passion has indicated turbulence.

I was attracted to his character, his values and his kindness. He has a heart of gold. He is one of the most caring, gentle, thoughtful souls I've ever met.
As we got to know each other, we discovered that we share some quite niche values, especially things like homeschooling, values around health, religion/faith, traditional family values, etc.
All of which are things that men I've met previously didn't give a hoot about.
He is a fantastic friend to my friends, my family love him, and he is a wonderful partner in so many ways. I'm sure one day he will be an exceptional father.

However, we've never had those exciting, in-depth conversations... weather they be philosophical or silly. We don't joke around much, we don't often laugh together... and I feel often as though we are repeating rehearsed scripts to each other and trying to find ways to make them a little new/interesting.
I feel like I'm holding back parts of myself, especially silliness or weirdness.
It seems to be getting harder and harder to feel connected intellectually as time goes on.

It is easier when we have a few days apart and come back together with things to talk about ( we don't live together).
But if I stay at his or vice versa for a few days (and we both work from home atm) I find myself craving my alone time to not feel awkward.

I wonder if this is just a normal part of the process of a relationship maturing? Does it naturally lose that inspiration in conversation....
Do you find you still have things to talk about in depth with your DH after years?

For age reference, I am in my mid twenties and he is late thirties.
I've had one long-term relationship before (2 yrs) and a couple of shorter (< 1 yr) connections.
He has been in a couple of long-term relationships but never married, as he prioritized travel/work.

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 12/08/2025 02:44

Have you been together for a year or married for a year? I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and have never run out of things to talk about. It’s bound to be less exciting than the beginning but the fireworks early on is a fun part of an early relationship. It settles but I don’t find my oh boring. Just depends what you prioritise in a relationship. If I didn’t have a laugh with someone or find conversation easy I have always let the relationship drift away.

cheesycheesy · 12/08/2025 02:45

After 1 year things should still be quite fun

Original poster
SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 02:53

cheesycheesy · 12/08/2025 02:44

Have you been together for a year or married for a year? I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and have never run out of things to talk about. It’s bound to be less exciting than the beginning but the fireworks early on is a fun part of an early relationship. It settles but I don’t find my oh boring. Just depends what you prioritise in a relationship. If I didn’t have a laugh with someone or find conversation easy I have always let the relationship drift away.

We've been together for 11 months... Not married!
I don't consider it dating anymore, as we've established a committed partnership, but never married.

Have been in similar social circles for 2-3 years, but only started getting to know each other almost exactly a year ago.
We began our relationship fairly slowly, over several months... so 11 months is approximate, depending on how 'getting together is defined' ... But 11 months since I committed within myself to only dating him.

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 12/08/2025 03:00

Sounds like a drag to me. I wouldn’t want to commit the rest of my life to someone I didn’t find fun or interesting. You’re still young.

BeanQuisine · 12/08/2025 03:09

...religion/faith, traditional family values, etc.

Sounds like your partner is just proving to be "what it says on the tin", i.e., he's a conservative traditionalist who is unlikely to be a font of new ideas or scintillating insights.

But such a man may well be a cosily predictable partner for those seeking same.

You may have to resign yourself to repeating the same limited range of conversations, and learn to enjoy their reassuring stability.

Original poster
SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 03:13

BeanQuisine · 12/08/2025 03:09

...religion/faith, traditional family values, etc.

Sounds like your partner is just proving to be "what it says on the tin", i.e., he's a conservative traditionalist who is unlikely to be a font of new ideas or scintillating insights.

But such a man may well be a cosily predictable partner for those seeking same.

You may have to resign yourself to repeating the same limited range of conversations, and learn to enjoy their reassuring stability.

Ah, I see how it reads this way:
In contrast, he's had an amazingly interesting life.
International travel, working in documentary film in incredibly risky situations, has done a lot of exploration into the meaning of human existence and our place with/in nature.
He is curious, well read, intellectual and very creative (also a musician).
So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

OP posts:
TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 03:18

No it’s not, sorry. I’m 12 years in and we never run out of things to talk about whether they’re interesting or banal.

It’s a long sentence to not laugh with your partner… even if he is lovely.

BeanQuisine · 12/08/2025 03:19

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 03:13

Ah, I see how it reads this way:
In contrast, he's had an amazingly interesting life.
International travel, working in documentary film in incredibly risky situations, has done a lot of exploration into the meaning of human existence and our place with/in nature.
He is curious, well read, intellectual and very creative (also a musician).
So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

Edited
Show quote history

Well then, he might be more responsive to a bit of weirdness and silliness than you're assuming.

Maybe try an evening of conversation in which you're not "holding back" but introducing new themes and notions that you've been exploring on your own.

He might surprise you, and if not, you'll get a firmer idea of the limitations of the relationship.

176543user · 12/08/2025 03:31

No, I’ve been with DP for 6 years. We don’t live together either but we talk daily via messenger and we never really run out if things to talk about. It can be serious or silly stuff and we have plenty of laughs. We also have comfortable silences but never feel awkward in each others company.

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/08/2025 03:39

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 03:13

Ah, I see how it reads this way:
In contrast, he's had an amazingly interesting life.
International travel, working in documentary film in incredibly risky situations, has done a lot of exploration into the meaning of human existence and our place with/in nature.
He is curious, well read, intellectual and very creative (also a musician).
So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

Edited
Show quote history

If this is the case, then how on earth are you not having scintillating conversations?!

There's so much there to talk about! Are you not asking him about his life? or is it that he's just shutting down the conversation?

He sounds like a fascinating man and there's obviously many layers to him if he's as you describe.

Do you think you're playing it too safe and acting in a way that you think he might want rather than just being yourself and trying to genuinely get to know the real him?

I have been with DP for 15 years and he has not led a life anything like this and still we never run out of things to say.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 12/08/2025 04:01

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 03:13

Ah, I see how it reads this way:
In contrast, he's had an amazingly interesting life.
International travel, working in documentary film in incredibly risky situations, has done a lot of exploration into the meaning of human existence and our place with/in nature.
He is curious, well read, intellectual and very creative (also a musician).
So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

Edited
Show quote history

Given his interesting life which I assume could lead to endless convo, take note of who initiates the conversation. Is it you, him or a mix?

How's he with others - if you go out with mutual friends, is he quiet or outgoing?

Are your conversation styles similar?

BlueEyedBogWitch · 12/08/2025 04:13

DH and I have been together for 12 years, and known each other for 18, and our relationship has basically been one long conversation that started in 2007, and goes on to this day. When we’re apart it continues by text!

With my first husband, we were at the ‘sitting in the pub, staring at your drink’ stage within a year.

The former is better. I’d throw this one back.

Original poster
SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 04:31

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/08/2025 03:39

If this is the case, then how on earth are you not having scintillating conversations?!

There's so much there to talk about! Are you not asking him about his life? or is it that he's just shutting down the conversation?

He sounds like a fascinating man and there's obviously many layers to him if he's as you describe.

Do you think you're playing it too safe and acting in a way that you think he might want rather than just being yourself and trying to genuinely get to know the real him?

I have been with DP for 15 years and he has not led a life anything like this and still we never run out of things to say.

Show quote history

This is it...
It's not that he's not objectively interesting. It's that our dynamic doesn't seem to mesh seamlessly into fluid conversations.
I often get a single sentence reply with not much information to base a further question on, so building a conversation is hard.

I have considered that I may not be asking him the right questions. And perhaps you're right and I should probe deeper.

But I feel I've tried to enquire about his experiences and/or dig out his stories.

But I'm aware that some of them also hold significant trauma (I.e. the dangerous overseas experiences).
He is also very very humble. To the extent that he seems almost averse to tall about himself or his stories.
He doesn't shut down, so much as just not engage enthusiastically.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 04:36

Part of the reason I question this... is because I feel it may be more than a case of me not being good at asking question or he being boring.

I think he's very interesting. The dynamic just seems off.

A guy I dated some time before I met DP, was some of the most interesting conversation I've ever had.... endless stories about himself and curiosity about me...and boy could we talk!!
By contrast he led a very sheltered life in a dreary little town. But we clicked.

And I wonder if that not being so present is a part of having a more stable, mature and consistent connection... or a symptom of incompatibility.

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 12/08/2025 04:40

Some people can have lots of experiences but still be dull as dishwater with poor social skills. Plenty more fish in the sea. Sometimes you just don’t click. You seem keen on him as he looks good on paper

waterrat · 12/08/2025 04:40

You dont click
You are trying to rationalise what should be effortless

I've been with my dh 18 years and can't wait to see him every day to keep talking !!

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/08/2025 05:03

Is the silence companionable or do you feel on edge or bored? I don’t think it’s necessary to be “on” all the time or endlessly chatting in order to have a good relationship, but if you feel you’ve literally got nothing to talk about then that could be a problem.

I’ve been married over 30 years and we quite often sit without talking if we’re reading or whatever, but there’s no tension or feeling that we have to chat for the sake of it.

theysayimthespitofyou · 12/08/2025 05:15

Sorry this would send me running for the hills. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible in your communication styles at all and you’ll end up long term feeling isolated, lonely and frustrated. At 11 months in and not living together things should be effortless and fun. This won’t improve.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2025 05:35

It doesn't sound fun, and you're only a year into your relationship - sounds like you could have better conversation with someone else

autienotnaughty · 12/08/2025 05:39

its reads like either you haven’t really clicked, no passion and no in depth conversations . Or you are too similar and you would be better suited to someone who brings you out your shell a bit more

dh and I have been together 17 years, there’s still passion (although different to the early days. ) we can still have in depth conversations but we are also comfortable in silence.

WitcheryDivine · 12/08/2025 06:01

Listen, when you “live together” temporarily you’re low key desperate to get away. You feel he’s shutting down conversations instead of building them up with you. He’s also a lot older than you which I know can work but in conjunction with everything else…

There are many other men out there who I’m sure share your niche views, just because he shares them doesn’t mean he should share your life. You’re not feeling your best most confident self with him and that’s what a partner should give you. It’s not a fault with your “interviewing technique”, it’s that you two aren’t meshing in an important way. I’m sorry.

Tablesandchairs23 · 12/08/2025 06:14

You sounds incompatible. Maybe it's the age gap.

parietal · 12/08/2025 07:01

DH and I can still have great conversations after 25 years but there isn’t time every day.

there is a board game called “we aren’t really strangers” which has lots of prompts to kick start interesting conversations. Get hold of that and see if it helps.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 12/08/2025 07:18

It's definitely not the case in my marriage thank God, if I couldn't have a good chat and a laugh with my DH I'm not sure id see the point of being married, that aspect of a relationship is hugely important to me.

I think it's a bit worrying that you're in this position so soon in, this should be the time you're still both getting to know each other and putting the effort in! Its also sad you feel the need to hold parts of yourself/your personality back from him. If you can't be your true self with your significant other, who can you be? I do wonder if you're mistaking aligned values (which are important) for actual compatibility to be honest...

overnightangel · 12/08/2025 07:22

So although he’s had an interesting life, he’s not interesting to talk to (or just won’t involve you in those things even to talk about), and you can’t be yourself/act silly/laugh with him? Sorry to be blunt but what is the point? Seems to me the age gap is a massive problem, I’d call time on this relationship if it were me