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Original poster

Is it normal for conversations with DH to stagnate after a year?

88 replies

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 02:37

I've been with my partner for almost a year (realize now that I put DH in the title but we're unmarried!!).
Recently whenever we spend time together we seem to struggle to find interesting and lasting conversation topics.

When we met, conversations were fairly standard, nothing exceptional (none of the 'hours on end, stay up into the night' type conversations), but not dull.
We never had the "fireworks and passion" phase either... which I interpreted as a possible green flag, or at least a neutral sign for our connection, as in the past, passion has indicated turbulence.

I was attracted to his character, his values and his kindness. He has a heart of gold. He is one of the most caring, gentle, thoughtful souls I've ever met.
As we got to know each other, we discovered that we share some quite niche values, especially things like homeschooling, values around health, religion/faith, traditional family values, etc.
All of which are things that men I've met previously didn't give a hoot about.
He is a fantastic friend to my friends, my family love him, and he is a wonderful partner in so many ways. I'm sure one day he will be an exceptional father.

However, we've never had those exciting, in-depth conversations... weather they be philosophical or silly. We don't joke around much, we don't often laugh together... and I feel often as though we are repeating rehearsed scripts to each other and trying to find ways to make them a little new/interesting.
I feel like I'm holding back parts of myself, especially silliness or weirdness.
It seems to be getting harder and harder to feel connected intellectually as time goes on.

It is easier when we have a few days apart and come back together with things to talk about ( we don't live together).
But if I stay at his or vice versa for a few days (and we both work from home atm) I find myself craving my alone time to not feel awkward.

I wonder if this is just a normal part of the process of a relationship maturing? Does it naturally lose that inspiration in conversation....
Do you find you still have things to talk about in depth with your DH after years?

For age reference, I am in my mid twenties and he is late thirties.
I've had one long-term relationship before (2 yrs) and a couple of shorter (< 1 yr) connections.
He has been in a couple of long-term relationships but never married, as he prioritized travel/work.

OP posts:
Owly11 · 12/08/2025 07:27

That sounds dull. My partner and I have a good belly laugh at least once a day and interesting and varied conversations. I also feel comfortable to bring the whole of myself and just be myself. He doesn’t sound like a good match at all. I would move on now.

Chilka · 12/08/2025 07:31

It sounds like he has decided it’s time to settle down and do the ‘traditional’ wife and kids thing with a nice young biddable ‘traditional’ woman. He isn’t actually very interested in you as a person or having an intellectual connection with you.

Cornishskies · 12/08/2025 07:31

“ not being present” is most definitely NOT a part of a more stable, mature, committed relationship, 30+ years in and we have never run out of interesting conversation and laughs.

Just because a relationship should work on paper ( shared values etc) doesn’t mean it will, relationships a year in shouldn’t be hard work.

Hillrunning · 12/08/2025 07:31

You aren't well enough matched, that's all. It's ok, and not necessarily anyone's fault. There's enough that you matched on to have made ot this far but long term it won't be great for either of you.

DaisyChain505 · 12/08/2025 07:41

No this isn’t great news. There’s one thing to have comfortable silences but there’s another to run out of things to talk about after a year together.

The most alarming part of your post was you saying you hold back parts of yourself.

Your partner for life should be someone who you can be 100% yourself around and you don’t have to think about how you present yourself or what side to put forward. They should accept you for who you are.

Just because you share the same values on certain things doesn’t mean you’re made for each other. There has to be a whole lot more.

BuddhaAtSea · 12/08/2025 07:43

It doesn’t sound like he’s into you. I think what you’re describing is you seeing him slip away and trying really hard to stop that. It shouldn’t be that hard.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 12/08/2025 07:45

Tablesandchairs23 · 12/08/2025 06:14

You sounds incompatible. Maybe it's the age gap.

There’s 15 years between me and DH.

There were 3 between me and XH.

CleanShirt · 12/08/2025 07:50

You sound really intense. Maybe that's the reason. Do you never just mess about and have a laugh?

curious79 · 12/08/2025 07:50

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 03:13

Ah, I see how it reads this way:
In contrast, he's had an amazingly interesting life.
International travel, working in documentary film in incredibly risky situations, has done a lot of exploration into the meaning of human existence and our place with/in nature.
He is curious, well read, intellectual and very creative (also a musician).
So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

Edited
Show quote history

Psychologically that could mean he is a thrill seeker and a bookish intellectual but doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be a good conversationist.

I would be more interested in understanding the female role models in his life. What female relatives and friends he has and how he speaks to them. Let’s face it, if he’s into homeschooling he may also be into trad wives, which could mean you knowing your place and not seeing you as worthy of intellectual conversation?

curious79 · 12/08/2025 07:52

PS. And don’t sell yourself short and think that accepting dull conversations after a year is the normal trajectory of relationships. Next you will be telling us you’ve stopped having sex. Or only have it once a month. Can you imagine going for five years, let alone a lifetime, with a partner where conversations are routine and repetitive? The people that do slowly go mad.

beAsensible1 · 12/08/2025 07:55

SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 03:13

Ah, I see how it reads this way:
In contrast, he's had an amazingly interesting life.
International travel, working in documentary film in incredibly risky situations, has done a lot of exploration into the meaning of human existence and our place with/in nature.
He is curious, well read, intellectual and very creative (also a musician).
So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

Edited
Show quote history

Ok but he doesn’t make you laugh. You don’t joke and you feel awkward after a few days. That’s not great. It’s manageable of the other things are more important to you.

but I’ve not run out for things to talk about with any of my partners because they’re people who i am comfortable making conversation with.

you have to be your whole self in relationship. Well I suppose you don’t, but it seems that’s something you want.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/08/2025 07:56

If you can’t laugh together and you’ve run out of things to talk about after 11 months then it’s not going to last the long haul so if you want a life partner, he’s not the one for you.

I’ve been with my husband for a long time, we’ve never ran out of things to talk about and we laugh together every day- truthfully that has been the thing that kept us going through some very difficult times.

Pringlebeak · 12/08/2025 07:57

It does sound like you don't click. I've been with my DH for 20 years and we never run out of things to say - and neither of us is any sort of international man/woman of mystery either! Of course, after that amount of time we might tend to rehash the same old conversations quite frequently, but we always find new stuff to talk about too.

NewBlueNoteBook · 12/08/2025 07:57

Have you run out of things to say to your best female friend? Even though you’ve know her for years? I would bet not.

I’ve been with my DH for more that 30 years. Never ever run out of things to say or been awkward together.

FloraBotticelli · 12/08/2025 08:02

It sounds to me like you’re matched on an intellectual level, but you’re not emotionally open with each other. Like attracts like on an emotional level, and from what you say I suspect you’re as emotionally closed as each other tbh. Maybe he’s holding a mirror up to you and you realise you don’t like it, so you could either use that to grow and change together, or if he’s not willing to do that, move on. If you’re not sure how, some outside help in therapy would be good so you don’t carry al of this into your next relationship.

There’s loads of flags here to me…

we've never had those exciting, in-depth conversations...

Is it staying surface level as in intellectual, all in the head? Is conversation ever touching your heart? Are you both aware of what you’re feeling throughout your bodies when you chat? Could you locate your feelings in your body generally? (Eg feeling worry in the stomach or anger in your fists wanting to clench or joy in your heart etc? It’s different for everyone but there’s a reason references to these bodily sensations are scattered through language!)

weather they be philosophical or silly. We don't joke around much, we don't often laugh together...

you’re not sharing your feelings - happiness, joy. Being emotionally closed generally affects all feelings.

and I feel often as though we are repeating rehearsed scripts to each other and trying to find ways to make them a little new/interesting.

again sounds like you’re stuck in the realm of the intellectual (mind, head) not connecting with your bodies (heart, stomach).

It is easier when we have a few days apart and come back together with things to talk about ( we don't live together).

you’re having to hunt and gather intellectual/mind things to talk to feed the head rather than feeling through conversations with your lower body (neck down)?

I feel like I'm holding back parts of myself, especially silliness or weirdness...
I find myself craving my alone time to not feel awkward.

this sounds like you’re masking your real feelings while you’re with him then relaxing when you’re home - it’s like sucking your tummy in to look good and letting it all hang loose when you’re alone! Try sharing your real feelings with him and being curious about his?

‘I feel awkward right now, I feel like we’re not connecting, what do you feel?’ Work out why you feel like that - together if you like - whether it’s something he’s doing that’s making you feel awkward, or it’s a reaction within yourself based on your past. There’s loads to discuss there just in that tiny feeling that flitted through you. Are you both open to having conversations like this?

He has been in a couple of long-term relationships but never married, as he prioritized travel/work.

Sometimes people use work as an addiction to avoid feeling.

Wallywobbles · 12/08/2025 08:03

I’ve used themes from Mumsnet as conversation starters with current DH and the kids. It’s been fascinating!
What are you both bringing to the conversational table?

MaryGreenhill · 12/08/2025 08:03

Been with my DH for 46 years and after the initial awkward getting to know each other stage, we talk with ease about everything and anything.
You don't need to worry about such things, it naturally ebbs and flows but doesn't mean there is anything wrong . Wishing you the best of luck @SeekerFinder.
He sounds a gentleman and they are far and few these days .

LastKnownSurvivor · 12/08/2025 08:06

I don't know how normal it is, but I don't think it's a recipe for marriage/a long term partnership. I've been married 20 years and we haven't run out of conversation. Usually not conversation that anyone would regard as thrilling, but we talk about current affairs, things we've read or seen on TV, music, our families, our plans, work, reminiscences, daft jokes, all sorts of things.

I don't mean that neither of us is ever bored or that we are able talk non-stop to entertain ourselves, but dull moments are a part of normal life - it's a mistake to think a relationship isn't worth it because those exciting early stages have passed and you've settled into a comfortable routine, but if you've genuinely got nothing at all to say to each other after 11 months, it probably means the relationship has run its course.

yeesh · 12/08/2025 08:10

if you are bored already and not showing your true self then it won’t work out. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and we laugh and talk every day.

Original poster
SeekerFinder · 12/08/2025 08:18

FloraBotticelli · 12/08/2025 08:02

It sounds to me like you’re matched on an intellectual level, but you’re not emotionally open with each other. Like attracts like on an emotional level, and from what you say I suspect you’re as emotionally closed as each other tbh. Maybe he’s holding a mirror up to you and you realise you don’t like it, so you could either use that to grow and change together, or if he’s not willing to do that, move on. If you’re not sure how, some outside help in therapy would be good so you don’t carry al of this into your next relationship.

There’s loads of flags here to me…

we've never had those exciting, in-depth conversations...

Is it staying surface level as in intellectual, all in the head? Is conversation ever touching your heart? Are you both aware of what you’re feeling throughout your bodies when you chat? Could you locate your feelings in your body generally? (Eg feeling worry in the stomach or anger in your fists wanting to clench or joy in your heart etc? It’s different for everyone but there’s a reason references to these bodily sensations are scattered through language!)

weather they be philosophical or silly. We don't joke around much, we don't often laugh together...

you’re not sharing your feelings - happiness, joy. Being emotionally closed generally affects all feelings.

and I feel often as though we are repeating rehearsed scripts to each other and trying to find ways to make them a little new/interesting.

again sounds like you’re stuck in the realm of the intellectual (mind, head) not connecting with your bodies (heart, stomach).

It is easier when we have a few days apart and come back together with things to talk about ( we don't live together).

you’re having to hunt and gather intellectual/mind things to talk to feed the head rather than feeling through conversations with your lower body (neck down)?

I feel like I'm holding back parts of myself, especially silliness or weirdness...
I find myself craving my alone time to not feel awkward.

this sounds like you’re masking your real feelings while you’re with him then relaxing when you’re home - it’s like sucking your tummy in to look good and letting it all hang loose when you’re alone! Try sharing your real feelings with him and being curious about his?

‘I feel awkward right now, I feel like we’re not connecting, what do you feel?’ Work out why you feel like that - together if you like - whether it’s something he’s doing that’s making you feel awkward, or it’s a reaction within yourself based on your past. There’s loads to discuss there just in that tiny feeling that flitted through you. Are you both open to having conversations like this?

He has been in a couple of long-term relationships but never married, as he prioritized travel/work.

Sometimes people use work as an addiction to avoid feeling.

Wow, thank you for such an in depth reply!
It's a great point you make about emotional availability... and I agree, I don't think there is any way that something like this is one-sided.
I may well have my share of barriers to shaing deeper feelings.
I do tend to be a very thinky/intellectual being, especially when discomfort arises.

However, I have spoken to this on several occasions almost in your exact words: "I feel awkward, I feel like we're not connecting. What do you feel?"
He says he hasn't noticeably felt that. He then asked if I had an idea of what I/we would need to have/do in order to remedy it.

So he is aware of this and keen to address it. I just don't want to go on and on about it and make him feel at fault.

I suspect age is a component as we're 15 yrs different... and I think (subconsciously) I'm afraid that silliness = immaturity and will widen that gap.

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 12/08/2025 08:19

Not normal. He isn't the one for you and I think you know that.
I've been with my DH a very long time and we still talk about anything and everything. It's very important that your communication styles fit. Also, if you can't laugh together what is the point?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/08/2025 08:22

DH and I can go for hours without saying a lot. That's how I am, very quiet, very little to say - I have two good friends who I meet up with once a month!

11 months is early days and you're still deciding if this can work long term, so I think it's not terrible that you feel you're holding back with him, but now you're noticing it that's probably a sign to open up a bit more and see what happens, as PP have said.

At about a year in, I started taking a good book to his and would settle down to that once we'd run out of conversation. Most people would be horrified at that, but DH is quiet too and we do a lot of life in companionable quiet.

I'm not sure your situation is the same though, because of the feeling of awkwardness around stilted conversations. Good luck figuring it out and seeing if he's for the long term. If not, seems like he's added good value so far!

JoanOgden · 12/08/2025 08:23

Have you seen what he's like socially with his other friends? And has he seen what you're like socially with your other friends?

Have you ever been with him and thought "oh I wish X was here, she would find this so funny but he just won't".

cramptramp · 12/08/2025 08:24

No it’s not normal, and is an indication that you’re not compatible.

Didimum · 12/08/2025 08:28

Too much rationalising here, OP, for something deep down you know isn’t working. This isn’t normal for a good relationship unfortunately. You can stay on or leave any relationship you like but ultimately that’s your answer. The rest is up to you.

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