Is it normal for conversations with DH to stagnate after a year?

[SeekerFinder]

I've been with my partner for almost a year (realize now that I put DH in the title but we're unmarried!!).
Recently whenever we spend time together we seem to struggle to find interesting and lasting conversation topics.

When we met, conversations were fairly standard, nothing exceptional (none of the 'hours on end, stay up into the night' type conversations), but not dull.
We never had the "fireworks and passion" phase either... which I interpreted as a possible green flag, or at least a neutral sign for our connection, as in the past, passion has indicated turbulence.

I was attracted to his character, his values and his kindness. He has a heart of gold. He is one of the most caring, gentle, thoughtful souls I've ever met.
As we got to know each other, we discovered that we share some quite niche values, especially things like homeschooling, values around health, religion/faith, traditional family values, etc.
All of which are things that men I've met previously didn't give a hoot about.
He is a fantastic friend to my friends, my family love him, and he is a wonderful partner in so many ways. I'm sure one day he will be an exceptional father.

However, we've never had those exciting, in-depth conversations... weather they be philosophical or silly. We don't joke around much, we don't often laugh together... and I feel often as though we are repeating rehearsed scripts to each other and trying to find ways to make them a little new/interesting.
I feel like I'm holding back parts of myself, especially silliness or weirdness.
It seems to be getting harder and harder to feel connected intellectually as time goes on.

It is easier when we have a few days apart and come back together with things to talk about ( we don't live together).
But if I stay at his or vice versa for a few days (and we both work from home atm) I find myself craving my alone time to not feel awkward.

I wonder if this is just a normal part of the process of a relationship maturing? Does it naturally lose that inspiration in conversation....
Do you find you still have things to talk about in depth with your DH after years?

For age reference, I am in my mid twenties and he is late thirties.
I've had one long-term relationship before (2 yrs) and a couple of shorter (< 1 yr) connections.
He has been in a couple of long-term relationships but never married, as he prioritized travel/work.

one of you needs to be vulnerable on this missing level of silly/weird/deep, someone needs to do it first. Can you try to open it up with him?

I think you need to feel really “at home” with someone for them to be your person for long term. But you say you’re left feeling awkward after a few days. Now, I get that too, I crave my own space - from absolutely everybody. But still, it should feel like home when you’re with him.

I think you’ll have to try break the dynamic and see if you two can get closer. Truly closer. Right now, you’re good on paper.

15 year age gap, when you’re young, is far from ideal and likely an incompatability.

Surprised your friends/family are positive about him, due to your age and the age gap, unless perhaps you’re part of a very conservative, religious family and community.

You don’t laugh with him and are finding being in his company for long periods dull and awkward. Incompatibility.

Regarding your comments about his caring qualities, after under a year of dating you can’t yet know. IME some people ‘talk the talk’ and say nice things, but then act differently when difficult situations arise. In your short relationship have either of you encountered ‘life challenges’?

On your aspirations about homeschooling, religion/faith and ‘traditional family values’ wondering if that means that you aspire to have DC as while you’re young, stay at home and homeschool them? If that’s the case it’s a high risk path to take in many ways, eg you and the DC would be financially dependent on your H.

My ex had a really interesting life- but was a really boring person. If I asked hm about his father for example- who was a decorated children's writer in their home country- he would just say 'I dont know why he wrote, he just put down some stories everyone knew'. He didn't or couldn't analyse anything so every conversation hit a dead end.
Someone once described it like turning over a muddy field, and it really was that exhausting

I don’t think it’s a good sign for conversations to stagnate at such an early stage of a relationship.

My partner and I do sit in pubs at time and text/scroll. But we are now together most of the time as we work from home part time.

with this bloke -can you imagine being in lockdown with him? I am not sure my partner and I particularly have deep and meaningful chats (mostly “is there milk in the fridge” but we can chat about whatever, there are no awkward silences and we can both drone on about niche boring topics at times (computer stuff or work stuff) and the other is interested for long enough.

I’d ditch this one if you have awkward silences.

I have a family member with a very interesting job and it’s hard to get a word out of him. If something happens in the news related to his field, people can’t wait to ask him his theory but he will act like he has no opinion!

Your guy sounds really interesting but that might not translate to chatting. He is probably the same with everyone.

My exh was academically intelligent but was only interested in talking about his niche hobbies and house prices and then he wouldn’t shut up. It was hard work and let me tell you he got worse as he got older where it was zilch conversation or a boring monologue.

It’s a shame but I think you should call it a day.

I think (and this may be completely wrong) that you found someone who is ticking all these boxes but there is no magic there.

I have honestly never ever felt awkward or run out of things to say ever, it sounds like you have him up on a pedestal as the perfect fit for your criteria and you don’t want to damage your image around him by being fun. You probably know that he is a bit boring but he has many ‘good’ qualities that are rare and needed for a good husband/dad. I think what you are realising is that your list is not as important as a gut feeling is.

Its like buying a house, it might have everything you need and even a surprise swimming pool in the basement, but it doesn’t feel like your home.

Agree with this.

You need to be you. Allow him to see you. Better a year in that you discover it’s not right LT then you hold back for what? 2/5/10 years and then can’t suppress you anymore?

He sounds lovely and adventurous with good values - let him see all you have to offer too.

You sound incompatible. I can't imagine being in a relationship where there was no joking around and conversation was stilted and boring. Life's too short! I've been married for 22 years and it's not like that. Not 'fireworks' either though - I agree that's a red flag.

This is a case where his character suits you, his beliefs suit you, but his personality doesn't suit you. There's no spark. Despite his interesting life, he is boring. Worst of all, you don't have a laugh together.

I do think the age gap is significant but I doubt whether he'd have been any different when he was younger.

There's someone else out there for you!

I was going to say the same. He sounds fascinating, so the issue is more how you both interact with each other.

The other thing about your OP that stood out to me is that you’re holding your silliness back. Why do you think that is? If you’re going to commit to someone long term you should absolutely and completely be able to be your true authentic self - and allow and accept your partner as his too.

FWIW, my husband and I have been together many years and are the best of friends (cliche but true) and never run out of things to talk about, and are so silly together.

It’s not a barrier in itself.

but it’s more likely that they are just at different life stages, which could cause a dis-connect

Been with DH 8 years and still look forward to the 8 hour car ride to Scotland each year as we chat the whole way….we deep dive anything bothering us, talk about our relationship, make plans and goals. If we run out, we take turns at playing each other songs we’ve enjoyed recently.

It’s a massive facet of our relationship that we both love a deep and meaningful but I get the impression from friends that not everyone does that and some people don’t need/want it. I do however and it’s one of the key things that makes DH my person!

So, in majy ways he is far from 'traditional' in a conservative sense.

Is he looking for a wife/mum and saying what he needs to get you hooked, not because he adores you but because he needs a beard?

The bit that really stood out in your OP for me was this: I feel like I'm holding back parts of myself, especially silliness or weirdness.

Isn't the point about a loving partner that you don't have to hold back parts of yourself? that they're the one person who sees you at your best, your worst, your silliest, your most vulnerable and they're still there?

DH and I have plenty to talk about. But after 20 years, we're not having deep meaningful conversations every day. What we do have though is an ongoing dialogue, endless support for each other, regular laughs and, when we're up for it, yes, lots of deep meaningful conversations.

As importantly for me, he's my back up. He's the person I can go to when I'm down or when I'm happy or when I'm sad and he gets it, and he gets me.

I am not sure that you and thi sman are compatible. You have similar values, but you are feeling like you have to hold yourself back. Because he won't approve? Or he will think you're silly? That can't work long term.

Just wanted to address the 'religion/faith/traditional values' piece.
Don't worry, I'm not part of some fundamentalist or fringe faith... definitely not a trad wife either! Hah.
But:

• I would probably be termed "a hippie", and believe in an animate consciousness. So in that sense, a reverence for life/creation and nature is a fundamental value for me. I'm not religious. So for me its more a values set.... Spirituality perhaps.
• I do think the education system where I live is very flawed and have always felt any children I had would do far better in "alternative" education or homeschool.
• I believe family structures work for a reason. I work a part-time job in healthcare (full-time currently) and am currently the main financial provider. Although DP and I would both like this to shift to be more equal. I in no way expect him to work only or would be comfortable being expected to be only parent/nurturer. But I feel most comfortable in a home/family role, and he gets a lot of satisfaction from providing.
• Health-wise, I hold to values such as using home-made remedies for minor ailments, homegrown food, outdoors as much as possible, no screens, etc... and for sharing a life together and potentially raising kids, I really feel I'd need a partner who shared these,

In fact, all of these feel like values that, to me, make or break weather I would share the journey of building a life with someone. And I feel I'm at a stage in my life where relationship doesn't mean much if I'm not moving towards a meaningful co-creation.
Of course, as many PP have said, it's not enough to have the values without the ease, the banter, the silliness and the here-and-now fun of exploring knowing another human...

It's just hard to know if I'm over-reacting to one missing element in an otherwise nourishing, inspiring, care-filled partnership with a man that I love.

(...And I know he's true to his word, he is the most honest man I've ever met. Would eat my entire wardrobe if he was buttering me up purely for mum material.
He has integrity.)

** long post woah.

Look, chemistry is either there or it isn't. It can't be manufactured and laughing together and clicking conversationally is chemistry.

Don't tie yourself up in knots over-intellectualising it - it's not there. Someone can look great on paper but it doesn't mean it works in reality. Move on.

With the possible exception of homeschooling, none of your values seem excessively out there or difficult to find in a partner.

I don't understand why you're the main financial provider if you've only been together for 11 months and don't live together? Do you mean that you earn more than him? I hope you're not contributing to his living expenses?

thank you for clarifying!

What do you mean you’re currently ‘the main financial provider’? you’ve said you don’t live together. Do you mean that already have financial ties with him? If so that’s not good after only a short relationship IMO, especially if he has any financial problems.

I think there is risk that he is saying what he thinks you want to hear and might, in reality, behave very differently should you marry and have DC.

Home education is usually only possible with a parent (almost always the mother) foregoing a salary for a number of years - risky.

, I have spoken to this on several occasions almost in your exact words: "I feel awkward, I feel like we're not connecting. What do you feel?"
He says he hasn't noticeably felt that. He then asked if I had an idea of what I/we would need to have/do in order to remedy it.
So he is aware of this and keen to address it. I just don't want to go on and on about it and make him feel at fault.

I don't read it this way, that he's keen to address it. I read this as 'I don't feel this way. This is a you problem. You come up with the answer.'

Oops... thanks for spotting that.
No, I'm not supporting living expenses.
I meant mostly that I earn more than him.

He usually insists on paying most dates/adventures unless it's agreed that we share.

You can buy conversation cards especially for couples. DH and I went through a phase of doing one every night because most of our conversations were so mundane (3 kids, life organisation, little time or energy) and we just wanted to talk more deeply but without having the energy to search for topics. There are great questions in 4 different categories. It's called Rethink :conversations for couples. Why don't you give these a go, and also work on being yourself more and letting go. Only then will you see if this relationship will really work...if he sees your silliness/ fun as immature or treats you as an inferior then this would be something very difficult to get over. But he may actually really appreciate it. My DD is introverted and naturally quite serious but all her friends (and me!) are quite crazy and outgoing, love being spontaneous. She loves being around people like that because it brings out that side in her.

Well, in a big way it is a me problem... I think.
It may be deeper and be rooted in our dynamic itself, but still I'm 50% of that... and if I am the one experiencing the unease here, I feel it's correct that I should also be the one to check in with myself on what I'm needing in order to feel less awkward.
I think he genuinely isn't bothered by it.
He is a lot quieter than me by nature and not much of a blabber with anyone, whereas I could listen to/tell stories until dawn.

So why are you finding conversation with him so boring? At less than a year is the exciting bit, where you’re still discovering each other, and there are lots of bits of past, stories, old friends, travels, jobs, memories, etc you’re only beginning to hear about!

The bottom line is that this isn’t a partner, or a long term thing, you’re still in the dating phase when everything should be exciting, fun & easy… and it’s not.

The right person wouldn’t be this hard so soon!