So utterly confused

[Messingwithmyheadagain]

So DH and I have been together nearly 2 decades with one teen dc. He claims that he doesn’t mean to hurt me but has repeatedly said and done things which would fall under emotional, psychological abuse and coercive control.
However, he alleges that he is neither trying to hurt me or control me. I’ve got no idea how to rationalise things as on paper he’s abusive but what if he’s telling the truth and doesn’t intend it?
By leaving him am I ruining a marriage for nothing and having my DC’s life tuned upside down.

Difficult to say without you specifying what sort of things he's doing. If he's abusive and controlling, he is probably not going to be truthful about his motivations - if you believe he is abusive towards you, you need to leave him. It doesn't matter that he says he doesn't mean to hurt you. He's probably lying about that.

I’m sure my Ex would say he didn’t intend to be an arse but the only thing that concerned me was that he was one and I deserved better. Could you give examples of his behaviour? It sounds like you’ve been in a dysfunctional relationship for such a long time that you can’t see the woods for the trees.

His supposed intent doesn’t change the impact of his behaviour on you. Your responsibility is prioritising an environment that nourishes your well being. It must be incredibly difficult for your child growing up in such an environment, remember, your marriage will be their principal relationship role model. If your relationship with your H isn’t something that you’d want for your child’s future relationships, then it isn’t something you should want for their mother either.

Let this thread be the start of something happier.

@Endofyear I’ve been called crazy and psycho, that I’m so serious and can’t take a joke. That I am abandoning him when I spend time with friends(if he feels our relationship is not in a good place). I’ve also been accused of turning a catch-up with a college friend(so someone I’ve known for the best part of 30 years) into a date as we went for a drink at the pub after grabbing a pizza together(we live at opposite ends of the country so only catch-up once a year at most). He’s also tried to get me to close my own bank account as all funds are to be funneled into paying off the mortgage. I’m also not allowed to volunteer as that doesn’t bring money into the household and takes me away from being able to do things at home and with our dc

This is no way to live. You are miserable. Have you talked to a solicitor about divorcing? As he's manipulative it might be worth trying to stay in the family home with an occupancy order so that he can't control access to your child.

That sounds horrendous.

Please leave him. Call woman's aid, go speak to your GP or go and see a solicitor but leave.

He's horrible! Not just to you but your teen as well because he's not a good role model, not at all.

Oh and in no way did you ruin anything. He did.

Intended or not, why are you staying with a man who is abusing you?

@chowmeinz does it not need to be intended for it to be abusive?

Of course it doesn’t.

Also, most abusers say they don’t mean it, so…

He isn't going to say it is intentional, its all part of the gaslighting he is doing, the way he is manipulating you so that you are 100% dependent on him for everything, and so that you do not trust yourself to doubt his intentions. He is controlling and coercive.

I'm so sorry, he has got you so worn down and taken so much of your confidence away that you can't see how abusive he is being. Please reach out to someone and tell them what is going on. You deserve so much more than this

Of course not. The fact that he doesn't see it as abusive means absolutely nothing. Whether he 'means to be' absusive is completely irrelevant. You KNOW this is abusive. You are experiencing abuse. By him. Naturally he is not going to say 'Yes, this is abusive and I'm doing it deliberately'. How many abusers do you think would say that?

If you're waiting for him to confess to being deliberately abusive to you, then I'm afraid you'll be waiting forever. You do not need proof, justification, or a perfect match with an 'on paper' definition of abuse in order to leave him. He is the one ruining your marriage and you are wasting your life by stating with him.

It doesn't matter if its intended or not, if you are happy then you don't need to stay in this relationship.

What would you tell your children if they were in the same situation - "don't worry, DC, your partner isn't abusing you intentionally so stay with them and live a miserable life where you arent allowed to do the things that make you happy" no you wouldn't

does it not need to be intended for it to be abusive?

Absolutely not. I'm sure most abusers just think they are 'right' (and everyone else is wrong or weak).

So what does he say about his behaviour? How does he rationalise it or justify it to you?

@Drivingthevengabus that he doesn’t want to be manipulative by censoring what he says to me.

so by saying cruel and unkind things he says he is not being manipulative. However he is showing you that fundamentally he does not like or respect you in any way.

I think you have come here today to hear the real truth but that is hard to hear. He is a very skilled manipulator who is controlling you and taking away your confidence and now wants to take away your financial freedom.

Haha. What a fucking Prince.

Honestly OP, wake up.

He IS being manipulative by saying that. God, he really has messed with your head if he has you believing all this bullshit. No sane person could possibly think that saying kind, nice things to your wife rather than abusive things is 'manipulative'.

Do you have a daughter, OP? In the future, what would you advise her to do if she told you her husband was treating her like this and that he said he 'didn't mean to hurt her'?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. This is no life for your kids either.

His apologies too are meaningless and are also a part of the nice nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

@TaborlinTheGreat yep he’s well and truly messed with my head. The only “good thing” is I didn’t have any more kids with him, we have an only child

This was me 2 years ago, almost word for word. My head was so messed up I thought it was all my fault. I did leave and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but 2 years on I’m so happy and enjoying life. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out, it will only get worse. Do you have someone you can talk to? Who can help? Women’s Aid was amazing. I hope you find the strength and support to leave. I know how hard it is.

Bottom line is - he is hurting you, you’re miserable, he either intends it or if not, he doesn’t care, because he keeps doing it. I don’t see a way for you to be happy staying together.

It’s so hard as he’s never hit me, there’s no ambiguity in that. The rest he explains away so well that it has me doubting everything

Classic abuser's tactic.They do that on purpose to make you feel like they are perfectly normal and it's you who's the unreasonable, crazy one.

It is not you. It's him.

He doesn’t need to hit you, to make you feel utterly miserable! Abuse doesn’t necessarily mean physical abuse - and tbh even labelling it as abuse is sort of irrelevant: He makes you unhappy. You tell him, he denies it and carries on. Take a break…. I think you need - and will feel better - for taking that weight from round your neck.