So utterly confused

[Messingwithmyheadagain]

So DH and I have been together nearly 2 decades with one teen dc. He claims that he doesn’t mean to hurt me but has repeatedly said and done things which would fall under emotional, psychological abuse and coercive control.
However, he alleges that he is neither trying to hurt me or control me. I’ve got no idea how to rationalise things as on paper he’s abusive but what if he’s telling the truth and doesn’t intend it?
By leaving him am I ruining a marriage for nothing and having my DC’s life tuned upside down.

I think that you need to work out what you will accept and what you can tolerate in a relationship at the very least.
Then separate that from this Idea that you should accept abuse if he didn't mean it like that.

You aren't an employee or his child or one of his belongings. He doesn't get to dictate to you this stuff.
He clearly thinks its fine and reasonable, and you are apparently supposed to just accept and agree to it.

I think you are an adult who can decide for yourself