So utterly confused

[Messingwithmyheadagain]

So DH and I have been together nearly 2 decades with one teen dc. He claims that he doesn’t mean to hurt me but has repeatedly said and done things which would fall under emotional, psychological abuse and coercive control.
However, he alleges that he is neither trying to hurt me or control me. I’ve got no idea how to rationalise things as on paper he’s abusive but what if he’s telling the truth and doesn’t intend it?
By leaving him am I ruining a marriage for nothing and having my DC’s life tuned upside down.

Try to focus less on what’s going on in his mind and more on the effect that his behaviour has on you. Even if he has absolutely no intention to hurt you (and that’s a very big If), you are feeling put down and hurt and abused, and this matters. Perhaps at some point in your life you were taught that you should dismiss or doubt your own feelings, but how you feel is valid and important.

This is bad. He might not be physically hurting you but it is clear he is using coercive control and trying to financially control you as well, by getting to close your bank accounts, under the guise of paying oc the mortgage.

I strongly advise you to listen the the comments made already in this thread and take their advice.

And don't close your bank accounts!!!

Don't close your bank account, that would make it more difficult for you to leave and rent a place of your own/pay a divorce solicitor.

He isn’t explaing anything away, he is saying ‘im an absolute cunt to you but I don’t care because at least I’m not censoring myself’

Emotional abuse ✔️
Coercive abuse ✔️
Financial abuse ✔️

Please think seriously about your future and that of your child
You will be so much happier being free of him

Intent is completely different to impact. He can bleat about not meaning to have the intent of a cunt for all eternity. But when his actions and words have the impact of being a cunt, then he's a cunt. Intention can get to fuck like the sorry excuse it is. And he knows he's lying about that, too.

I think he’s probably even convinced himself that he’s not doing it intentionally as he’d have to face the reality of being an abuser. He actually told me that he wasn’t abusive because he’d never hit me

if his actions and behaviour makes you feel bad, it’s bad. No need to make sure it fits a particular definition or question yourself if he denies he is hurting you. End of the day you’re unhappy, and have been for years, so on that basis it’s worth considering putting and end to this. Question I would ask myself - Do I love him? Is my gut feeling telling me to leave? Does dc impacted by what’s going on? Will I be happy without him?…

Staying with this abusive partner is already 'turning your dc's life upside down'. She will be suffering from watching his gaslighting and putting you down. Worse, she will likely come to the conclusion that this is normal/ acceptable male behaviour. It isn't.

Taking steps to leave him would be great role modelling for your dc, showing her that when we realise a partner is abusive, we have a choice to make. Another vote here for Women's Aid.
It's really important to get support and quietly start planning for a better future for you and do. Confide in your pizza friend too if that feels right. Good luck.

@Psychosprouteater dc has told me I’m too serious and it’s just dad being dad. I’m the one that parents and he gets to be the fun dad, gaming with them until silly o’clock. Even on school nights they’ve been gaming until after 11pm even although the agreed bedtime is 10pm. When we have spoken about potential separation, Dc thinks I should just move out so dad and them can live together. I’m utterly broken by it all

Of course he hasn’t. They know exactly what they are doing. This is classic abuse. Please, speak to someone in real life and get support to leave.

So now I’m feeling for you (more)…
Your kid saying this is going to hurt anyone.
I made my share of parenting mistakes but what I did learn was that both parents need to be on the same page, and clearly - as with other things, your DH is just being utterly selfish. I’m afraid that you’re onto a loser right now, you’re just being undermined in anything you do. That’s he doesn’t care - actually doesn’t matter, he’s not doing anything positive for you. That’s he’s turned DC matters more, I’d focus on yourself and try to keep your relationship there while keeping your boundaries intact. And sod DH.

Your DC’s opinions about you and his Dad are not relevant here and if you think about the idea that Dad is fun because he games with me till silly o’clock shows you how mature he is/isn’t. If he is telling you that he wouldn’t come and live with you, I can see that this would be incredibly hard. Your choices appear to be to stick it out a bit with DH for a bit longer but to use this moment as a new start or to go, leaving DS but creating and holding a (literal and emotional) space for him. With your DH, if you risk staying, there’s the risk you sink back into this feeling of confusion, and you start to believe the nasty rubbish he is serving up to you, and there’s also the risk that he gets worse if you start to wake up.

Do not under any circumstances close your bank account and make sure you have your passport and birth certificate safely under your own control.

This is an even bigger sign you need to get away. Look at how he has manipulated your child into believing that’s normal behaviour. Fuck that.

Yep the whole situation is a complete mind f. He alleges he doesn’t remember many of the incidents that have happened over the years. Looking back he was testing my boundaries only a a few weeks into our relationship

How are you doing OP? I know how difficult this is from personal experience.

@Itisallgoingtobeok thanks for asking and sorry to hear you’ve had personal experience of a similar situation. I’m safe now but If I’m being completely honest I was feeling incredibly vulnerable at the weekend. I’ve struggled with my mh on and off for over 15 years but I was in a very scary place for most of Saturday.

@Messingwithmyheadagain- I understand completely. I’ve been free now for about two and a half years. Strangely, my mental and physical health is perfectly fine now. The nurse I see said she sees it time and time again. Women suffering because of an abuser, they break free, work on themselves and then suddenly come out into the sunlight. I didn’t believe her, but now I am out the other side she was exactly right.

I won’t pretend it’s easy, it isn’t, but there is support out there if you need it. DM if you want to chat. Sending hugs via the web.

OP. This absolutely is abuse. And the reality is that either he IS doing it on purpose, and then of COURSE he won't admit to that. Or he genuinely doesn't believe its abuse... but that doesn't change that it is.

But try reframing things. He wants you to do things you don't want to do or believes you should not do things you think is totally fine. He accuses you of things you haven't done. He believes that you should have no control over your own finances.

Putting aside "is it or is it not abuse" - these are, objectively, things that you are not happy about and that he believes are okay. So you can't stay together.

If DH thinks its okay to sleep with different women every week, that's his right. It's my right to say that I'm not intersted in a relationship with someone who sleeps with other women.

I expect your mental health will improve dramatically once you're free of this man.

Yep I think I knew something had to change when I had to call an ambulance to take me to hospital due to chest pain.

I really hope things work out for you. As a man, I am really upset that such a bastard could be little someone and grind them down to the point they become totally submissive and making them ill.

I really wish and your children the best of luck ❤️

I read all your posts. No way could he be doing and saying things like that unintentionally. But then, an abuser would never say “yeah, I meant it and I am knowingly abusive”.

Abusers like to think of themselves as decent people too and can even be loving at times, hence the confusion for their targets. There is then a need to reframe what they do, so that they can maintain their own self image as good people who just had a momentary wobble.

Only someone abusive would want you to tolerate behaviour that harmed you, from them or anyone else. You know this but he uses confusion to keep it going. You deserve a deeply loving and safe intimate relationship. Not this.

my closest friend says that he knew his behaviour was hurting me and he chose not to change - so I suppose I need to hold onto this and @speakball’s post