"Acts of service" but little to no affection - is this emotional abuse ?

[Yesnotagain]

DH and I married 5 years. No DCs. The last 2 years have been difficult. He is very "helpful" and on the surface supportive but shows me very little warmth or affection. Our sex life is dead. We never kiss other than an awkward peck to say hello/goodbye. When I reach for him e.g. for a hug, he does respond, but a lot of the time it feels like he can't wait to disengage.

I have tried to explain many times over the past year or so that I really need warmth and affection from him, but he gets very defensive immediately and starts raising his voice, so I back down. I haven't brought this up for a few months since he stormed off in the middle of a conversation about it.

I feel like I am being punished, to be honest. For example (and I know this sounds a bit daft) but he is so affectionate to our dog, in front of me, almost to make a point. He very frequently acts miserable, as if he is living under a cloud, but won't tell me what is wrong or allow me to try to help. He has few friends, doesn't go out, hates his job. Has a vulnerable and demanding family who depend on him for money etc. so I don't blame him for not being 'jolly' all the time, but his baseline mood of cynicism and misery is really getting me down. He has tried therapy but it made no difference. He's been clinically depressed before and may be so now, but won't seek any more help.

He seems to think his "acts of service" for me (mostly support with my elderly parents) somehow equate to the love I need to feel from him. They don't, not for me. It makes me feel like a 'case', if that makes sense - yet another person who relies on him for help. I've tried to explain this but cannot get through. Yet, every time I pull away a bit he does turn the thermostat up and shows me a bit of the affection I am craving. He also doesn't like it if I am not the focus of his attention, e.g. will interrupt me when I am obviously doing something like writing a text. Then seems to sulk if I don't switch focus to him immediately. Which is why I am asking myself if this is an abusive pattern.

All of this follows an emotional infidelity/ limerence issue he had with a friend a few years ago. I posted about it here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4961125-emotional-infidelity-should-i-ever-trust-him-again?reply=131387150

Does this pattern sound abusive ? I'm not an easy person either, do get stressed and cross quite easily but I am open and honest and affectionate, and desperately want the same from him, like we had before. Don't know if I should hold on and try another way, or just leave before I lose what's left of my self respect and confidence (which isn't much tbf).

I don't know about abuse, but your marriage is over. Start getting organised and leave him.

@MaryBerrysFannyHammock I agree, the problem is he doesn't think so.

You don't need his agreement to leave.

I know I'll get jumped on but could he be autistic. I am more an act of service person and I am autistic.

I try to be more affectionate but it doesn't enter my head to do it without a prompt and I don't need it much myself so it's hard for a partner.

I wouldn't call it abuse but he is emotionally avoidant. When you show him affection he pulls away, when you pull away due to his coldness he suddenly starts warming to you.

I had one like this. Drive me crazy and felt like I was slowly losing myself, never felt safe.

I would advice to cut the cord now, move on and heal from the trauma he is causing you.

Sending ❤️

Your relationship isn’t working for you on a fundamental level that you need it to. Your H is incapable or is unwilling (doesn’t matter which, it amounts to the same thing) and is avoidant and dismissive about bridging the gap.

Its time to move on, waiting for him to be different is futile.

@saveforthat plainly. But it does make my decision more difficult when he says that he loves me and his life would be pointless without me. So there's that.

It sounds like he's got an awful lot on his plate and is doing a lot for everyone. What are you doing as his loving partner to alleviate his load? It sounds like you're only focused on what more you want from him, rather than how you can help and support him. Frankly he sounds depressed, overloaded and in need of someone putting him first, rather than everyone making demands on him.

That said, you don't need his permission to leave the marriage, and after 5 years with no children, it's reasonable to walk away rather than work on the marriage if that's what you'd prefer. It doesn't seem to be making you happy.

@AgentJohnson @Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk yes this feels true to me, just finding it very hard to accept that there is no way back, given how close we were (or I felt we were) for the first few years of being together. If he'd always been like this then I would never have married him.

Your life is miserable with him…you’re not his emotional life belt, I’d leave.

His behaviour sounds hurtful & emotionally neglectful but not abusive. It doesn't sounds like he can be emotionally available in the ways you need (and I infer you may not be available in the ways he needs - the quality of our attention is important in relationships). Oftentimes I think people give what they actually need themselves, so his practical support with your parents may be because he feels overburdened with his family and needs support.

His possible depression is not an excuse for hurtful behaviour and you acknowledge yourself that you are angry (towards him?). Both parties ideally would see how they affect each other and how the dynamic serves underlying patterns and needs (depression can be a protective mechanism, rage speaks to lifelong unmet needs).

Are you both willing to have counselling or similar & work towards a different way of relating to each other, or would you prefer something else?

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver I don't think he's autistic, or if he is he did an excellent job of hiding it for quite a long time.

@mrsm43s Yes I have thought this too - but there isn't any practical way that I can help, other than paying money which he won't accept, and when I ask him about how things are going he doesn't want to talk about it. So not sure what else I can do.

He sounds overwhelmed and unable to give any more.

@LegleEagle in a way I hope that is true, because at least there is some hope that he situation can change. But I don't know what I can do to help him when he is determined to be the rescuing hero all on his own.

I had one of these. It was so strange. Seemingly normal and affectionate for about 5 /6 years and then gradually withdrew but affectionate to kids and dogs. Felt like punishment. Refused to talk about it. As we were separating he would Stil go out of his way to do acts of service, at great cost to himself. I was so confused, still am. I would try and talk about it with him but he would get angry and explode and be vile to me. Makes no sense. I wondered about spectrum etc…. But he was normal for years so that doesn’t wash…. I actually think it’s control/abuse.

mine ended up being more obviously abusive so it was easier to leave… but it started with the withholding .

you can try and put up with it but you won’t be happy .

@AudHvamm we did try counselling, it didn't help. But yes I feel like I'm not giving him what he needs whether it's the quality of my attention or support, or just that my presence doesn't bring him joy any more.

After reading your other thread I'm sorry to say I think he just doesn't love you.

Wants to stay married because of the hassle it'll be to divorce.

Up to you if you choose to live with it. It must be awful. So so sorry. Xxx

@Wish44 thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through this too, it's awful. I fear it's control / abuse. If he is so unhappy with me then why not just leave. Have read about covert narcissism recently and it chimes with how he is. But I am still prepared to look at myself and see what I can change to help him - just doesn't feel possible.

Has a vulnerable and demanding family who depend on him for money etc

This is the crux of his issues which obviously pre-dates you by decades. This was always in the post, as soon as you met him. You’re his long-term, daily-life crutch and he thinks he has you now and doesn’t need to make any effort - that you exist for him while he serves his family.

That’s why he warms up when he perceives you pulling away. To keep you where he needs you. Whether or not it is emotional abuse, you know yourself if you’re not happy and that is reason enough to free yourself of a bad situation that’s damaging you.

He managed to be a lot more affectionate with another woman (per the OP's other thread).

OP I think this is going nowhere, or at least nowhere that makes you happy.

I'd cut your losses and leave.

As PPs have said, it's not your job to hold him together emotionally. He sounds a bit all over the place, and has got into the habit of punishing you in these odd little ways that will erode you even more over time.

Horrid situation, I'm sorry 💗

@dairydebris I'm certain he doesn't love me. I just wish he'd have the balls to say so, it would be so much kinder than this confusion. Thanks for reading the other thread.

You’ve asked him to meet your need for warmth and affection, but he either can’t or won’t. You can’t make him. You can only control your own actions.

My advice is to leave while you still have the strength.

He chooses to show more affection to a dog than to you, and that would chip away at anyone. If you stay, you risk becoming so worn down that you won’t have the fortitude to leave later.

I'm not autistic, but an act of service also means more to me than a hug! It's tells me the person has thought of me and taken initiative to make my life easier. I'm not touchy feely in general. DH isn't too bothered but is more physically affectionate than I am so I also have to remind myself

You don’t need him to say it outright. You already have enough information to decide. You don’t have to wait until things are so obvious that the decision is made for you with no room for doubt. That kind of certainty almost never comes.