"Acts of service" but little to no affection - is this emotional abuse ?

[Yesnotagain]

DH and I married 5 years. No DCs. The last 2 years have been difficult. He is very "helpful" and on the surface supportive but shows me very little warmth or affection. Our sex life is dead. We never kiss other than an awkward peck to say hello/goodbye. When I reach for him e.g. for a hug, he does respond, but a lot of the time it feels like he can't wait to disengage.

I have tried to explain many times over the past year or so that I really need warmth and affection from him, but he gets very defensive immediately and starts raising his voice, so I back down. I haven't brought this up for a few months since he stormed off in the middle of a conversation about it.

I feel like I am being punished, to be honest. For example (and I know this sounds a bit daft) but he is so affectionate to our dog, in front of me, almost to make a point. He very frequently acts miserable, as if he is living under a cloud, but won't tell me what is wrong or allow me to try to help. He has few friends, doesn't go out, hates his job. Has a vulnerable and demanding family who depend on him for money etc. so I don't blame him for not being 'jolly' all the time, but his baseline mood of cynicism and misery is really getting me down. He has tried therapy but it made no difference. He's been clinically depressed before and may be so now, but won't seek any more help.

He seems to think his "acts of service" for me (mostly support with my elderly parents) somehow equate to the love I need to feel from him. They don't, not for me. It makes me feel like a 'case', if that makes sense - yet another person who relies on him for help. I've tried to explain this but cannot get through. Yet, every time I pull away a bit he does turn the thermostat up and shows me a bit of the affection I am craving. He also doesn't like it if I am not the focus of his attention, e.g. will interrupt me when I am obviously doing something like writing a text. Then seems to sulk if I don't switch focus to him immediately. Which is why I am asking myself if this is an abusive pattern.

All of this follows an emotional infidelity/ limerence issue he had with a friend a few years ago. I posted about it here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4961125-emotional-infidelity-should-i-ever-trust-him-again?reply=131387150

Does this pattern sound abusive ? I'm not an easy person either, do get stressed and cross quite easily but I am open and honest and affectionate, and desperately want the same from him, like we had before. Don't know if I should hold on and try another way, or just leave before I lose what's left of my self respect and confidence (which isn't much tbf).

Read about dismissive avoidants! It will change your life. If it fits your DH it is because you have activated their deepest childhood wound shame/rejection and that is where the terrible behaviours come from. Of course they won't communicate that, instead they deactivate/are cruel without explaining why.

ND and avoidant attachment often walk hand in hand but they are not synonymous. My niece is autistic and she is nothing like this. It makes me so sad when people say so easily that shitty behaviours may be just ND. She is one of the most loving and affectionate people you could ever meet!

Massively ! Because you can't draw any conclusions from it about your relationship or how they feel about you - it's not like "he did this really kind thing and put himself out so he must really care about me..." because all the other behaviours and general feeling from him point in the totally opposite direction! So ultimately it's not for you or about you at all. Which makes you nothing. Disturbing.

@BrunetteBarbie94 I’ve read that ND people w often experience childhood trauma because of their ND- being misunderstood, parented incorrectly for their condition and so on. It would make sense that it could lead to this dismissive avoidant attachment, if that has roots in childhood trauma and neglect.

Maybe in his view, a good man maintains the house (or car, or whatever) and the wife is just a sort of background accessory. What sort of relationship did his parents model?

I think you've hit the nail on the head! That is why there is this overlap.

My dismissive avoidant was very "cool" definitely not ND but emotionally stunted. He recognised it though and a few times told he he wasn't "good with his emotions, pushed people away when he liked them etc." On the surface though, couldn't have been more NT!

I agree. I just lived in confusion with him. I couldn't make it make sense. For a long time I did use the acts of service as evidence of love. But someone who really loves you cares if they hurt you.

When I broke up with mine he told me "he had been so good to me!" - all those acts of service! As if it wasn't for me to decide if he had been good to me or not.

I realised later that all of those acts of service didn't make me feel loved at all- I'd rationalised that the love must exist from the AOSs but he never made me feel loved. I don't believe we can really feel loved if we don't feel safe.

Ugh yes this is my life. He knows he has hurt me, continues to hurt me, and doesn't care. I expect he'll do exactly the same as your ex when we finally hit the sidings.

Thanks so much to everyone on this thread, I feel a lot clearer about the whole thing.

Good luck OP 💗

You know it's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done.

Life alone, as you have experienced recently, is so much better. And you might find the right person one day. I did (in my 50s!).