"Acts of service" but little to no affection - is this emotional abuse ?

[Yesnotagain]

DH and I married 5 years. No DCs. The last 2 years have been difficult. He is very "helpful" and on the surface supportive but shows me very little warmth or affection. Our sex life is dead. We never kiss other than an awkward peck to say hello/goodbye. When I reach for him e.g. for a hug, he does respond, but a lot of the time it feels like he can't wait to disengage.

I have tried to explain many times over the past year or so that I really need warmth and affection from him, but he gets very defensive immediately and starts raising his voice, so I back down. I haven't brought this up for a few months since he stormed off in the middle of a conversation about it.

I feel like I am being punished, to be honest. For example (and I know this sounds a bit daft) but he is so affectionate to our dog, in front of me, almost to make a point. He very frequently acts miserable, as if he is living under a cloud, but won't tell me what is wrong or allow me to try to help. He has few friends, doesn't go out, hates his job. Has a vulnerable and demanding family who depend on him for money etc. so I don't blame him for not being 'jolly' all the time, but his baseline mood of cynicism and misery is really getting me down. He has tried therapy but it made no difference. He's been clinically depressed before and may be so now, but won't seek any more help.

He seems to think his "acts of service" for me (mostly support with my elderly parents) somehow equate to the love I need to feel from him. They don't, not for me. It makes me feel like a 'case', if that makes sense - yet another person who relies on him for help. I've tried to explain this but cannot get through. Yet, every time I pull away a bit he does turn the thermostat up and shows me a bit of the affection I am craving. He also doesn't like it if I am not the focus of his attention, e.g. will interrupt me when I am obviously doing something like writing a text. Then seems to sulk if I don't switch focus to him immediately. Which is why I am asking myself if this is an abusive pattern.

All of this follows an emotional infidelity/ limerence issue he had with a friend a few years ago. I posted about it here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4961125-emotional-infidelity-should-i-ever-trust-him-again?reply=131387150

Does this pattern sound abusive ? I'm not an easy person either, do get stressed and cross quite easily but I am open and honest and affectionate, and desperately want the same from him, like we had before. Don't know if I should hold on and try another way, or just leave before I lose what's left of my self respect and confidence (which isn't much tbf).

@bigkahunaburger you don't sound alarmist, I can feel myself wobbling tbh. When I was away earlier in the year without him I felt like my old self again. Very glad your DP found his way out, it must be even harder with children to stay for.

He won’t. Men like that don’t detach from their significant others unless and until they have another sure thing waiting in the wings. Don’t wait for him to be the bad guy (to be the one to end the relationship I mean) if you want to be free of him. Take control and it’ll be sorted way sooner.

Yes you do sound lovely, and absolutely worthy of a partner who will treat you wonderfully well.

Do you have any support network in real life - friends or family you could confide in for some emotional and practical support with your next steps?

Professional counselling can also provide this and may be a good idea anyway if you can afford it. They will explore your feeling with you in a way that helps you feel safe and held, and help you navigate the best path for you, whatever that is. The British Association of Counsellors and psychotherapists have a searchable directory on their website for counsellors in your area.

No sex, prefers the dog, gets involved with other women…..why on earth are you still ‘together’?

Edited to say I didn’t mean he was humping the dog, sorry.

When I was away earlier in the year without him I felt like my old self again.

Well, that's brilliant OP and something to look forward to! ... along with, one day, a partner who doesn't just "hump the dog" (to quote accidental PP 🤣)

How much younger than you is he @Yesnotagain?

You need to get out now, and then get counselling to rebuild yourself up. It is gonna take a hell of a lot of work. My boyfriend had a year of counselling and he said it took a good few years to get his strength back. He had been extremely worn down. Be kind to yourself lovely. Take control. x

Hey Sweetie, I also had one of these. So many similarities! I used to be told to look at his actions not his "lack of words/affection/consistency"! Made me cringe how he was with his dog. Couldn't give me a single compliment but acted like the dog was the love of his life 🤣🤐 and whispered sweet nothings to her all the time! Mine was also super defensive.

I eventually realised he was a dismissive avoidant and he would never change. My therapist used to say to me... he might love you but he doesn't love you the way you love him. That was so true. I also realised that everytime I would pull away he would chase. I read somewhere that an avoidant likes a relationship at a 4/5 out of 10 so if it gets warm like a 8/9 then they will take it down to a 4, if you take it to a 2/3 they will take it back up to a 4/5 where they are happy.

This is all about him. You are being used in a sense, for what he needs. This is a person with deep issues. I doubt he was truly in love with the OW, it is just she isnt available to him - if she was he would end up doing the same to her. This is typical for someone with intimacy problems.

I ended up breaking up with mine. He cried and so I went back (because he was mostly as cold as a stone) - 2 weeks later he ended it. He needed to have that control. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me losing him.

He was destroying me day by day and I would have wasted my whole life with such a lack of emotional safety. My life has improved a million fold since he left. I hadn't realised how much he was affecting me until he was gone. You can't see it until you are in it but I lost my sense of self.

You sound lovely and I think you already know what you need to do. I hear the strength on your words. You deserve better than this man.

If he is so unhappy with me then why not just leave.

Many, many men will not leave a relationship until the next one is lined up.
They don't want to be without the option of sex, or to do their own laundry, or whatever it is that you are currently doing for him.

For him, the relationship is not primarily about being happy together and being able to 'relate' to you emotionally. It is about convenience and practicality.

It may also be true that he has the avoidant attachment style others have talked about - this cannot be fixed by you, it is deep deep in his character.

I second this. My version of your husband had a woman in the wings ( she had been there for 2 years - completely unbeknownst to me) . When I finally made the move to leave then she emerged from her hiding place. I was actually heart broken as all the time I had being trying to fix us and solve our issues his contribution was to build a life boat in case I left. He did not make any effort in any other department. However, just weeks before we moved out he was out in the pouring rain fixing my car…. He got filthy and soaked. I just couldn’t understand why he was doing it…. Sometimes humans are just beyond reason.

OMG it's like there is some weird alternative rule book for these men! It blows my mind! Mine went and collected a dead pigeon from my garden and went up on my roof to check it was OK whilst we were ending! I'm actually so shocked to see that they all do this! No idea why!

Don't put his own needs head of your own.
If you want to you could both try couples counseling to see if it's fixable but I think you'd be better off as friends

😂that was the laugh I needed !

Enough to be obvious but not so much as to be wholly inappropriate. He was a fully formed adult when we met. I am self-conscious about it, partly from vanity, and partly from not being in the business of stealing people's chances at happiness. I have said from the beginning that if he decides this relationship isn't right for him, e.g. if he wants his own biological kids, then he must go and do that and I won't make it hard for him. I didn't mean that he could break me down so that I'd have no choice but to do the leaving. Of course it would hurt like hell if he did find someone else but I think I would be able to let go and wish him a happy life. It's knowing that he's miserable but seems to want to be miserable with me, for whatever reason I can't fathom, that is so very hard. Lately though I think he'd be miserable no matter who he was with.

Eerily similar ! Yes my DH whispers sweet nothings to the doggo 😂who completely adores him of course.. I hadn't heard about dismissive avoidants but the 'comfort at level 4/5' sounds about right. Your therapist sounds good. Very glad you made it out and into a much happier place.

@wish44 @BrunetteBarbie94 yes ! the self-sacrifice (the grander the gesture the better) while being emotionally ice cold is a real head wrecker.. It's as if they have to find a way to be the good guy despite everything

Forgive me I haven’t read to the end but…

You will know about ASD people having ‘special interests’. They focus intently on them for a period of time, often for many years but also sometimes for just months before moving back to the original ‘special interest’.

Well sometimes we are the ‘special interest’.
DH worked really hard at getting to know me, ticking off various stages of relationship. At that point he’d lose interest until the next ‘stage’ needed completing.
Once we were married, mission accomplished, task completed. I was a piece of furniture again.

He seemed like a different person at first because he was fully focused on you as his current special interest. Now he has moved on. He still needs you. Thinks he loves you. Just doesn’t get what you need to feel the same.

And my DS who is ND is adorable with the dog. It releases a side of him that can’t cope with real people. It actually warms the cockles of my heart as otherwise he can look a bit cold. He finds people very demanding!

But you need to think about your life. He can worry about his life.

this feels very performative?

like they need to show themselves (or have examples to show other people) that they're not entirely terrible husbands/partners.

just ignoring that it's too little/too late/both

@myplace that's really interesting.. did your DH get a formal diagnosis if you don't mind me asking ? I can't completely rule out some kind of ASD but the feeling I get from him is not so much that I'm part of the furniture (i.e. he feels nothing at all for me) but that he's angry and disappointed with me and wants to punish me despite his surface-level kind actions.

Not formal - the GP required him to make a phone call to book an assessment so that was that. It had taken me years to get him to go.

He considers it to be the case, and other family members are getting similar suggestions.

He used to be really grumpy- it felt as though he was angry with me. I used to rush round tidying and making things nice in the hope he wouldn’t be so cross. I got angry back and asked what he expected a house with small children to look like, at tea time and bedtime! He had no idea, didn’t realise I was interpreting his behaviour as anger and criticism. He thought he was coming in and helping to tidy up, rather than upsetting everyone. I think he was copying his dad’s ways, you have to rush and bang and sigh and tut when you do housework!

I had to learn to be less of a pleaser and ignore his grumpiness. He had to put up with being told to stop being so bad tempered because it wasn’t nice to be around.

35 years on we’re pretty mellow. He still stamps and I tune him out.

@Yesnotagain but there’s no way I’d have settled with him if I’d realised- don’t do it if you have time to get out. It’s fundamentally incredibly lonely.

He’s utterly rigid, and I have needed to be super flexible to accommodate it.

I have reached happiness in spite of him, not because of him.

I'm still in shock about this haha! This was EXACTLY my experience. Ice cold emotionally but going above and beyond with the acts of service. I think its because they are trying so hard to convince themselves that they are good. Biggest head fuck on earth!

Exactly. It's all so disturbing to me now! Why do they all act the same!