The reality of dating someone with children - experiences welcome

[Racegoer]

I’m early 30’s, no kids but may want them one day. Dating someone my age who has two (primary age) from their past relationship, has them every other weekend and sometimes in the week.

It’s likely me over thinking, but once the excitement fades from the initial months, I’m worried what the reality will be like. Does it become frustrating not just being able to see them when they have childcare commitments, or seeing them but the kids always being there?

Just to add, I think if I do decide once day I’d like kids, then he’d be open to that.

Has anyone had experience of this situation (childless, dating someone with children) and willing to share any pro/cons?

What is his relationship like with his ex? Any drama there?

Fine now apparently but had some challenges in the initial months co-parenting.

I think you’d need to be fully happy if the children came to live with the person you are dating full time as that could happen (eg if they became ill or died).

I recommend you read some threads on the step parenting board. I have seen quite a few step mums say they wish they hadn’t got into that situation.

I've never dated men with children.

Either their kids are their top priority and you will always be secondary to him. Or, they aren't his top priority, in which case I wouldn't respect him at all. It's a 2 sides of a shit coin.

This 100%

I agree

This exactly. I was the ‘step mum’ to a very dysfunctional Disney dad’s teenage children in my 20’s (he was was 17 years older then me and emotionally very abusive). Now as a mum in a happy marriage I can see how damaging that dynamic was to me- but much more importantly- to his children. It took me four years to feel like I could date again. Do not do it. There is there is a reason why the wife left- women with babies don’t just walk out.

In a relationship with a man with children - other people’s children are exhausting! I do help out with them if I’m there or we go away but it is a thankless job sometimes. If I do nice stuff with the children the ex wife tends to go nuts and punish my partner in some way by sending abusive messages or taking away days he’s meant to have them. Because in some cases, you do have to deal with an ex wife as well as the children, it’s not a path I’ve gone into eyes open as I didn’t mean to have a relationship with any man after divorce. I was dating for fun, not looking for love.

My advice having done this is to get out now whilst you are in the early part of the relationship.

If you want kids, find someone who hasn’t got any and share the “firsts” - he won’t have any as done all before.

Thanks everyone for the replies. That’s food for thought.

It’s difficult as there are strong feelings there on both sides but I know the reality of day to day life will obviously be different.

@Racegoer its a lot different when you are picking up after the children or they are just being kids and being naughty or pushing boundaries. You will in some way become a caregiver if you get involved. It’s part and parcel. However understand also there are strong feeling.

I tried it and I wouldn’t date a man with them again.

I can’t be arsed with other peoples kids and they use them as an excuse a lot.

Don’t do it

Wouldn’t bother me but I do already have children and have my own priorities with them but if I was childfree I wouldn’t be interested in a man with children

It depends I suppose.

Dating? Sure. Living with/building a life with? I just can’t imagine doing that to myself - or the children. The combination of having to put the children first all the time, while having minimal influence on them sounds incredibly tough. I do know one family who I would say made a real success of it, and there must be others, but tbh it would have to start with the kids and centre on them.

If I had my chance again I wouldn't do it. Also be skeptical about him saying he wants kids with you someday. It's all very well saying it but the reality may be that he has his children already so actually doesn't want any more. That's a lot to accept when you're further down the line and have been entrenched in the relationship for some time and don't have time on your side...

Don’t do it.

Exactly this. I just wouldn’t do it for those reasons.

I married a man with two children from a previous marriage. I was fully taken advantage of. If you can break away please do, it’s just not worth staying for all the pain and heartache you’ll go through.

Slightly different to your situation, but myself and my DP have 5 kids between us (none together, all from previous relationships). We live apart (but only 10 minutes drive) as blending would cause too much disruption for the kids. Anyway, when we got together all our kids were primary school age, and all got on fairly well together. We'd do days out and holidays all together. And then one weekend a fortnight me and dp would get a child free weekend to ourselves. All worked quite well.

Now all our kids are teenagers, they and its much more challenging. We thought it'd get easier! But reality is dp's dc don't want to spend time all together, so we don't do days out or holidays together any more. And now they've also stopped going to visit their dad every other weekend as well (no particular reason, other than teenage can't be arsed to go). So now our child free weekends are no longer child free. Despite them being teenagers and wanting to do their own thing, they're not independent enough to it by themselves. Dp has to plan the weekend around them - chauffeur them places, cook and clean up after them, stay home to make sure they're not misbehaving/scrapping etc. When they were younger they'd all be in bed by 9pm and we still had a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening. Now they stay up until midnight-1am and take possession of the TV remote all evening too.

Again, slightly different to your current situation, but things that might become more pertinent in the longer term. Depending how old his current dc are, it'll affect things differently. If they're young now, it's probably as easy as it's going to get. And he might think he's potentially up for having more dc with you now, but as his own get older he's more likely to go off the idea.

Not saying it can't work, but you're probably still young enough that there's a decent dating pool of single men about who don't have kids from previous relationships.

If they are a committed and good father, you need to expect the kids to always come first, regardless of whether you agree or not. At least until they are much older.

I’m afraid I would take a dim view of a man who only had his kids EOW and only sometimes during the week. Unless there was a very good reason

Children come first. They may love you they may hate you the may come live either you . Its not for the weak
.a man would have to come god like for me to consider the step mum thing ever again because when it goes wonky you lose them too

I met my husband in my 30s, I was childless, he had children from a previous relationship. They were primary and secondary school age at the time. We’ve now been married 12 years and had children of our own.

I agree with all the other advice given because it will be hard. There have been plenty of times when the children were younger when I wished I hadn’t got involved, really tough times. But ultimately it’s been worth it. Now his children are grown up, got jobs and moved on with their own lives and we have lovely relationships with them and them with their half-siblings. And my husband and I are happier than ever.

It will also depend on the kind of relationship he has with their mum, that can make or break things.
And be prepared for a lot of judgement on your ‘step-parenting’ much worse than normal ‘mum-shaming’

No experience of this myself but both my sisters are separated with children, one with a a reasonable co parenting relationship with the dad who sees them 50/50 and the other not so good who is a dad when he feels like it.
A father who has his children only ever other weekend and ‘sometimes’ in the week? That would raise a red flag for me. Do you know why he doesn’t have them more often? If it’s not for a very very good reason then I’d worry about him as a father figure to my kids as well as he doesn’t sound that invested.
Some things to think about also

• are you sure he wants more kids?
• whats his relationship like with the ex? You don’t wanna be cast as the wicked step mother
• as you raise, how will the relationship fit around the kids (because it has to be that way around, not how they fit around you)? Will you be living as a blended family during the times he has them or does he intend keeping the two things separate?
• make sure he’s not looking for someone to take on the parenting responsibilities so he can do his own thing or carry on as if he’s child free. Sounds bizarre but you’d be surprised how many partners appear on here saying that they are expected to do pick ups, drop offs, unplanned childcare when the OH has a ‘work do’ or overtime. If he didn’t parent before the split, he ain’t gonna do it now.