The reality of dating someone with children - experiences welcome

[Racegoer]

I’m early 30’s, no kids but may want them one day. Dating someone my age who has two (primary age) from their past relationship, has them every other weekend and sometimes in the week.

It’s likely me over thinking, but once the excitement fades from the initial months, I’m worried what the reality will be like. Does it become frustrating not just being able to see them when they have childcare commitments, or seeing them but the kids always being there?

Just to add, I think if I do decide once day I’d like kids, then he’d be open to that.

Has anyone had experience of this situation (childless, dating someone with children) and willing to share any pro/cons?

I adore my step daughter. We have an amazing relationship and i love it when she is here. We are about to go on a two week holiday to Florida and I cant wait! I also have a good relationship with her Mum. I stay out of any 'parental' decisions, and I am careful to leave that kind of thing to them. I am also careful to think whether there is anything inadvertent I might do (ie DSD wanted a bikini for Florida, she is 11, I checked with Mum first) that may upset the apple cart. From day 1 I have been open and caring and careful to have her feel loved and included (I have a DD). While my DD lives with me and my partner, and DSD lives with her Mum, this is also her home, She has her own room, is included in decisions etc etc. You have to go into this making your mind up you will never feel resentful of time etc. If you cant do that, then you should not be with anyone with children. Children dont have the luxury of making their own decisions around blended families. So it is up to the adults in the blended families to always think of the children's needs.

This is what my gut has always told me.

As a person without children I wouldn’t. I have kids so would only date people that do as well, but that’s because I don’t want to live with them and they will not be a priority so it’s good if they feel the same.

A few months in, you probably will be the childcare.
The standard script is he will have a custody battle once he has you installed to take over the ex wife's role.
I'd give it a swerve personally.

For me it was very hard in the early days, especially when now DH's ex wife got totally jealous and started sendiing awful messages via 2 pre-teens.

Only advise i can give is see the DC's on their terms and don't try to be another parent to them.

It took a while for us all to find a way to be an extended family, but we got there in the end. Ex wife and my DSC's half siblings are now invited to some family events

I will speak very honestly and say if I could turn back time I would not choose a man that already had small children.

Been with my partner almost 7 years, when we met I was 30 with 0 kids and he had a 3 year old DD. The first few years were fine, albeit there was some challenges with his ex being quite flakey which often disrupted our plans. Me being used as default childcare gradually crept in too although I didn’t mind too much to start.

Fast forward to now and I really struggle. DSD is now 9 and has lived with us full time for 18 months (you have to be prepared for this possibility) because her mum just checked out of caring for her. She is ultimately a lovely girl but she is not mine, hasn’t been brought up the way I would choose and starting to reach a difficult age. It is hard to have someone else’s child in your house 24/7 with little respite. I now do the vast majority of her day to day care as a SAHM while he works.

We have our own 20 month old and another due very soon. All of your exciting firsts will not be his. Your first child will often miss out on the special 1st/only child 1 on 1 attention. A lot of things you want to do and experience with your own children won’t be possible because the older child has to be factored in. Sharing him/seeing your child having to share him with another child you don’t have that motherly connection with can be very very hard.

It sounds like I hate my SD which I absolutely don’t. She’s a wonderful big sister, I care for her very much and generally I am happy to have her around. It is very hard at times though and I have thought about leaving a lot. Deep down though it is a duty I know I now can’t step back from for the sake of DSD and my own children.

Put your foot down early, tell him you have no intention of meeting his DC for at least another 2 years, and when you do meet them you will not be doing any baby sitting.

I wouldn't even consider having kids with someone who barely spends any time with his existing kids, so if that is your end goal then I would re-think this relationship.

In my experience their Dad wants you to parent his children when it comes to them being clean, fed, watered, entertained etc but when you want to put in any parental boundaries/rules, suddenly you are not their parent and have no say.

I wouldn't recommend it honestly, no matter how much you love him or how happy he makes you, it's just not worth it.

Some ridiculous answers here he sounds like a good dad who has his children every other weekend and sometimes in the week- at least he’s not like some other fathers on here of which there are many who completely absolve themselves of any responsibility for their children refuse to help with childcare or pay maintenance et cetera et cetera sounds like he has his head screwed on. as for the silly comment saying why doesn’t he have them more often? I’m sure that Mum would like them on some weekends too hence why they share every other weekend? And sometimes in the week , depends on work situations and distance, et cetera

I don’t see what your problem is. They don’t live with him full-time and it’s very unlikely that Mum is going to die so it’s also unlikely they are going to come and live with him.
if you develop deep feelings for him, then you would embrace his children
there will be a time when you will be present with him and his children if things between you go well and I don’t see what the problem here is
Everybody’s relationship is different so I wouldn’t take advice from here from People saying don’t do it. You won’t know what his relationship with his children is like or what it’s like being with a person with children until you see how it goes .
plenty of people on here complaining about their awful relationships with partners who don’t have children so I don’t think it matters really. if you find dating a person with children is not for you after awhile then call it quits

imagine if men on here were saying don’t date women with children!
I know at least three people who have relationships with men and women who have children and it’s been at least four years and I’ve not heard of an issue . And for people to assume you will be his childcare that is just ridiculous.

This is spot on. I wouldn’t want a man who doesn’t make his children priority (that’s the every other weekend dads). My partner is a good dad but I am definitely further down the list in terms of priorities - I accept that and find it attractive that he puts his children first.

Having your children every other weekend is not being a good dad - it’s minimum effort.

How do you know that? I think your statement is utterly ridiculous -He has them every other weekend so is he supposed to have them every single weekend and Mum doesn’t get her kids on the weekend? they are obviously sharing weekends which is reasonable. I wouldn’t want my child Father to have my child every single weekend and in the week as well. You don’t know their work situation or how far they live. Ect

They should share the care of their children equally, that's what a good and involved parent would do.

Four days a month is utterly pathetic. He should be sorting being an actual parent 50% of the time, not seeking a new girlfriend.
There's no excuse for being a mere visitor in his kids lives.
No one would say a woman was a fantastic mother if her kids were sent to visit her 48 days a year.

Anyway, nope, I can't see how dating a part time father would enhance your life in any way or make it easier, as a boyfriend should.

Have a look at the threads on the stepparent topic.

He has them from Fri PM to Sun PM every other weekend, usually every Tuesday/Weds too

I wont date a man or a woman that has kids.
However i will have my fun ons but never date.

I think it depends on how they are as a parent, what the extended family dynamics are and what they are like as a person. I will never date someone with younger children again, ever and would not particularly support anyone else in doing so if they wanted my opinion. I may consider adult kids but I will never spend time raising someone else's children again. I felt like a lone parent to both my own and my step child doing everything for all of them while daddy dearest when not at work spent all his time on the playstation shouting at us to get out the way or falling asleep, not to mention my children coming second to their step sibling in every single way with their dad's family and being ignored. I then got thrown away when having a hard time with my own health while still trying to do everything alone with a partner sat there watching me suffer.
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The bad dad comments are a bit much. My partner’s children live over 50 miles away so it’s eow but much more time in the holidays. On the weekend he doesn’t see them he drives in the week to take them out for a meal after school and see them. He spends more time driving than seeing them but it’s worth it. Instead of judging without seeing, it’s always helpful to see how the dad interacts with their dc - are they patient, loving, understanding - these are the qualities I looked for in him
and he didn’t fail. He’s also great with my teens too.its just hard sometimes 😬

Look at it objectively, as if your friend/daughter/niece was telling you this. What is your gut reaction?

No matter how well you prepare, how good your
intentions, how great your relationship with your BF is, you are not their mother, you will be challenged, esp in teen years, you will feel (even momentarily) resentful sometimes.

So really it comes down to choice…the easy path with someone who has no kids (but perhaps other challenges) or this guy and you strive to build a life together, knowing there are already potholes along the way?

Yeah don’t bother. There are so so many men without children and I promise you you’ll meet someone else you have a close connection with. Here are the things I struggled with when dating a dad

• their guilt about the whole broken home situation
• his ex randomly dropping the kids on us so you were never guaranteed time alone together
• having very little autonomy on the weekends
• my ex’s insistence that his teenaged children had to do absolutely no chores
• his lack of attention or care around his daughter’s extreme anxiety

I met my husband when I was almost 30 and childless, he was 25 with a 4 year old who he cared for every weekend, all weekend. Good relationship with other parent.

I found it very hard to not be able to spend weekends alone together. But he was a great Dad. I did have times where I thought about walking away.

But then we had our own two children which made things easier. His child is grown up now.
My husband is a great husband and father and I’m glad I stuck it out.

It’s such a tough one. I want to say walk away but if I had done that I would have missed an amazing marriage/life x

6 years in, married with 2 SC and 1 DS together, (plus a DD arriving imminently). Same advice I gave my sister when she told me she was interested in a guy with a kid. Don’t do it.

I love DH and I don’t regret my choices. But would I ever advise another woman to put herself in this position, absolutely not.

Any decent man would not be happy with only seeing their children every 12 days. You cannot blame work or location. You would move, you would change or adapt your job - just like most women would and have to.
I know decent men who are separated/ divorced and they have found a way to do 50/50. These are hedge fund managers and lawyers. Mothers have to work too - why should they be expected to do all the school runs, after school care etc and work whilst the fathers swan in and take their children off for some fun activities once a fortnight, leaving the mothers do every thing else. You haven’t got a clue!

Hello. I have been married for 15 years but when I met my husband I was early 30s. He had been married before and had 2 children, aged 4 and 8. We had our "grown ups" date midweek and, at weekend, I would go out with him and his kids. If it is the right person, you make it work.