Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The reality of dating someone with children - experiences welcome

95 replies

Racegoer · 07/08/2025 17:37

I’m early 30’s, no kids but may want them one day. Dating someone my age who has two (primary age) from their past relationship, has them every other weekend and sometimes in the week.

It’s likely me over thinking, but once the excitement fades from the initial months, I’m worried what the reality will be like. Does it become frustrating not just being able to see them when they have childcare commitments, or seeing them but the kids always being there?

Just to add, I think if I do decide once day I’d like kids, then he’d be open to that.

Has anyone had experience of this situation (childless, dating someone with children) and willing to share any pro/cons?

OP posts:
Thingyfanding · 08/08/2025 16:47

Melonjuice · 08/08/2025 14:15

Some ridiculous answers here he sounds like a good dad who has his children every other weekend and sometimes in the week- at least he’s not like some other fathers on here of which there are many who completely absolve themselves of any responsibility for their children refuse to help with childcare or pay maintenance et cetera et cetera sounds like he has his head screwed on. as for the silly comment saying why doesn’t he have them more often? I’m sure that Mum would like them on some weekends too hence why they share every other weekend? And sometimes in the week , depends on work situations and distance, et cetera

I don’t see what your problem is. They don’t live with him full-time and it’s very unlikely that Mum is going to die so it’s also unlikely they are going to come and live with him.
if you develop deep feelings for him, then you would embrace his children
there will be a time when you will be present with him and his children if things between you go well and I don’t see what the problem here is
Everybody’s relationship is different so I wouldn’t take advice from here from People saying don’t do it. You won’t know what his relationship with his children is like or what it’s like being with a person with children until you see how it goes .
plenty of people on here complaining about their awful relationships with partners who don’t have children so I don’t think it matters really. if you find dating a person with children is not for you after awhile then call it quits

imagine if men on here were saying don’t date women with children!
I know at least three people who have relationships with men and women who have children and it’s been at least four years and I’ve not heard of an issue . And for people to assume you will be his childcare that is just ridiculous.

Edited

Why is your bar set so low? Just because some men don’t see their children, doesn’t mean that an every other weekend dad is a ‘good dad’ - it’s shit!

SitOnHisFaceIfHeDiesHeDies · 08/08/2025 16:49

Lemonadeat8 · 07/08/2025 20:36

I tried it and I wouldn’t date a man with them again.

I can’t be arsed with other peoples kids and they use them as an excuse a lot.

This! Never again, it's an excuse to treat you as a non priority when it suits them especially if you don't have kids yourself so you "wouldn't understand". People with children are compatible with people who have children.

I don't have kids, don't want them and don't like them. If I did end up really liking someone who had them it could only ever be a friends with benefits situation but to be honest that would suit me just fine as long as we were singing from the same hymn sheet. I've got my own house, own money and own routine. Having fun with someone both inside and outside the bedroom a couple of times a month is ideal.

Who can be arsed with someone else's shit?

Loulabelle1234 · 08/08/2025 16:54

My now husband then boyfriend had a 7 year old ds when I met him, everything was fine we got on ok and no drama with the ex then when his ds hit 14 he became a monster so his mum kicked him out and he had to live with us, it was hell. Be prepared for that to happen. Thank god he moved in with friends when he was 18. He's now in his 30s but I think the reason I'm child free is because of him and his behaviour. It really put me off having kids.

BuckChuckets · 08/08/2025 16:59

Frogs88 · 08/08/2025 13:33

As a person without children I wouldn’t. I have kids so would only date people that do as well, but that’s because I don’t want to live with them and they will not be a priority so it’s good if they feel the same.

Same here!

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/08/2025 17:35

You'll have the worst of all worlds op.
You can't ever come first if he's a half decent Dad.
You'll be involving with kids you have absolutely no input to. It won't be your place to discipline or guide them.
If and when you have children of your own, you'll have to accept that none of the firsts your experiencing will be firsts for him.
His ex will always be in his life- You'll have graduations, weddings and grandchildren to navigate together.
It's hard raising children together when they are both of yours - watching him raise his children while you try and share a life together will be massively challenging

Driftingawaynow · 08/08/2025 18:04

AnonAnonmystery · 08/08/2025 15:25

The bad dad comments are a bit much. My partner’s children live over 50 miles away so it’s eow but much more time in the holidays. On the weekend he doesn’t see them he drives in the week to take them out for a meal after school and see them. He spends more time driving than seeing them but it’s worth it. Instead of judging without seeing, it’s always helpful to see how the dad interacts with their dc - are they patient, loving, understanding - these are the qualities I looked for in him
and he didn’t fail. He’s also great with my teens too.its just hard sometimes 😬

Exactly. And shared care isn’t necessarily best for kids which should be the focus.

www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15379418.2010.512230

….parents in shared parenting families are more satisfied with their situation than are their children, and fathers are particularly so. The findings suggest that the promotion of shared parenting as the best post-separation family structure is contestable.

outerspacepotato · 08/08/2025 18:13

How are you at never being a BF's first priority?

How are you at parenting while not being a parent? Like having to pick up his slack, which there might be more and more of as you get more involved and do him a "favour" occasionally that turns into weekly, then daily.....

I'm not saying your guy is, but quite a few guys look for a new woman who will do the raising of their existing children

I wouldn't be interested, myself.

Raspberryrippleflavour · 08/08/2025 18:45

This may sound odd because I am a single mum but I wouldn't do it if I could help it!

If childcare is not 50/50 he is paying cms and that can be a significant amount for many men which may interrupt your plans for a future (buying a house/ money spent on your own child).

I'd also check why he doesn't have them 50/50 which is the default start point with the court. Was he not interested? Is he incompetent and can't look after them?

His parental plan is also likely to be ongoing with regular communication with ex wife when there is a problem or something to sort out. It might get annoying.

You should also be prepared that the children might end up with you full time at one point. Would you like seeing them all the time?

You need to think hard about the above before entering this arrangement.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 18:47

Racegoer · 07/08/2025 20:30

Thanks everyone for the replies. That’s food for thought.

It’s difficult as there are strong feelings there on both sides but I know the reality of day to day life will obviously be different.

Too young for this. You're only early thirties

Find someone who doesn't have children whilst you're still young enough.

Crushed23 · 08/08/2025 18:49

Besttobe8001 · 07/08/2025 19:40

I've never dated men with children.

Either their kids are their top priority and you will always be secondary to him. Or, they aren't his top priority, in which case I wouldn't respect him at all. It's a 2 sides of a shit coin.

Completely agree.

I’m a similar age to you, OP, and I wouldn’t go near a man with children.

The dating pool is plenty deep at your age to find a man who doesn’t have an ex-wife and kids.

Dweetfidilove · 08/08/2025 19:04

Besttobe8001 · 07/08/2025 19:40

I've never dated men with children.

Either their kids are their top priority and you will always be secondary to him. Or, they aren't his top priority, in which case I wouldn't respect him at all. It's a 2 sides of a shit coin.

Perfectly said!

MCF86 · 08/08/2025 19:10

I'd date someone with children, but if there are primary age children it would be a long game- I don't want to move it and try and take on a parenting role. The children's time with their dad should be exactly that in my opinion. So I wouldn't do it if I wanted children myself.

Exception perhaps if they're still babies and will never remember it different, and parents were never really together (because if they were, that soon is a rebound)

FightTheAlchemy · 08/08/2025 19:26

I’m 31 and my partner has two primary aged children- we now live together; we don’t have them 50/50 but regularly during the week and they stay at the weekends (and much more in the holidays).

When I entered into the relationship, I did this very much in the knowledge that his children’s interests would always be the priority (as they should be!), but I don’t feel like I am treated badly or less well-loved as a result of this. I am very happy and have a strong relationship with his children, which helps. I do love them very much, and while we haven’t had to deal with teenage dramas etc. yet I feel confident that we will cope with any challenges together.

I think part of the reason it works is that I’ve never been expected to take on the role of childcare etc. - there are definitely lots of threads on the Step Parenting board where this happens and inevitably this goes badly.

Other things - I’ve never wanted children of my own. It’s not completely impossible that this could change in 4 or 5 years time, but as it stands, we won’t have to deal with the dynamic of his children and then a new shared child and so I can’t advise on how that would work in practice.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 08/08/2025 21:50

Husband and I 12.5 years in (4 years married), ex extremely difficult to start (he used to have ex imposed supervised visits 3 times per week for first 8 months of our relationship, not for any other reason than imposed by her). Then established EOWE arrangement with my support and that of a solicitor a year later. We now have more time as time has progressed…

Equally, since she left her husband for her boyfriend who has two kids of his own, much easier to deal with and SS13 (almost 14) which helps.

I have always fought for and respected my husband’s relationship with his son. He never gave me a reason to distrust him and my view was always that there was different types of love in the world for different relationships and one didn’t need to compete with the other.

Never had own children, was never a desperate want of mine (and saw how some of SS friends find it hard that their parent lives with another child full
time). There was some jealousy that he got 2 of everything with his half siblings. Now they are all in the same boat life has got a lot more simple.

Blended families are hard, but not impossible, it takes open minded compromise on all parts, but never make the kids feel bad. Do your best, always, and look beyond yourself, even when others really test you! That’s the calling of a step parent, you can either handle it or you can’t. If you can’t that doesn’t make you a bad person, you just need to know your own mindset.

agree with other posters, my DH is my sons father, I am not mum, I am my name and step mum because I am a bonus in his life not a primary care giver.

12 years in I wouldn’t change a thing. Although I almost lost my mind along the way (but never with DH or my SS).

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 08/08/2025 21:58

Also DHs CMS has not impacted and I actively contribute to SS wellbeing through choice, not obligation or expectation, but because he’s a bloody fabulous kid and addition to my life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2025 22:34

Look at the step parent forums

Would you be happy if you have your own child to always have his kids on holiday with you

Wynter25 · 08/08/2025 22:40

I'm a single mother to 3. I do want to meet someone one day. I'd prefer to get with someone who has kids already.

mondaytosunday · 08/08/2025 22:43

Yes I married a man with two children (11 and 13). Within a year, shortly after our child was born, the eldest moved in with us full time. It was certainly interesting! No tips - just be yourself and depending on the age of the kids you may not have much of a role in actual parenting but will be expected to be supportive and friendly.
Each circumstance is different, but you do have to realise that the kids are a priority.

NeuroSpicyCat · 08/08/2025 23:48

Depressing

NeuroSpicyCat · 08/08/2025 23:49

Wynter25 · 08/08/2025 22:40

I'm a single mother to 3. I do want to meet someone one day. I'd prefer to get with someone who has kids already.

Why?

MCF86 · 08/08/2025 23:57

NeuroSpicyCat · 08/08/2025 23:49

Why?

Show quote history

Not my post but I'd say the same as another pp, because they should understand that children will always be priority and not want to rush into cohabiting and completely uprooting childrens lives

Goldie83 · 09/08/2025 01:05

Being a step parent is not for the weak. I admit I couldn’t hack it and I’m a parent. My ex DP and his two DC moved in with me for 3 months once whilst he was renovating his home. I’d come upstairs and cry all the time. I felt like a slave to children.
I wouldn’t look twice at a guy with kids if I was child free. Get out now and find someone you can build your family with. I truly feel that unconditional love is the only thing that gets you through the rough times with parenting.

KawasakiBabe · 09/08/2025 01:19

My DH had a daughter when we started dating, I didn’t mind not being his priority, it’s absolutely understandable. When DH and his ex split, she moved to the other end of the country. To see his dd he had to leave me and drive for 5 hours. One time she just slammed the door in his face and he had to drive home after 4 days without ever seeing his dd. That was a tough time, as he was so sad. Thankfully, she did move back after a few years and we started having her regularly, we worked around it. When my stepdd was here, she was the focus, when she wasn’t, we were.

Stepdd is now 26 and DH and I have 2 DC. We all adore her, she’s anazing. I have a great relationship with her and think my life is better with her in it.

TheRoseDeer · 09/08/2025 02:51

My SIL married a man who had two children from a previous relationship. Then they had one child together. The other two were also around primary age and the one thing that was nice I thought, was how they were instant siblings without all the hard work of the newborn and toddler years. So the pressure for SIL to have another child was off too as her child already had in-built siblings that were mini adults (and toilet trained lol). They really doted on the new addition to the family.

While the marriage didn’t last (husband had an affair), the siblings still spend time together.

Kerri44 · 09/08/2025 08:23

Racegoer · 07/08/2025 20:30

Thanks everyone for the replies. That’s food for thought.

It’s difficult as there are strong feelings there on both sides but I know the reality of day to day life will obviously be different.

My husband had 3 biological kids when we had 3 biological kids when we got together and a stepdaughter he brought up from 9mths old, he had them alternate Sat & Sun and 1 day during the week, his relationship with ex wasn't good and she left my husband for the neighbour so kids hated him too....it's had it's challenges and he's always made time for me as well as being a dad.....we now have 2 children (3&7)....I had them at 38&43 and we've been together 11yrs, his kids are now adults and we see them when they can fit us into life...which is totally normal, but it's also reason he made me as much as a priority those years before because he knew he knew one day they'd have their own lives....to add I've never had anything but a great relationship with the kids ....but I've never tried to be a mum to them, just a supportive and loving extra adult