The reality of dating someone with children - experiences welcome

[Racegoer]

I’m early 30’s, no kids but may want them one day. Dating someone my age who has two (primary age) from their past relationship, has them every other weekend and sometimes in the week.

It’s likely me over thinking, but once the excitement fades from the initial months, I’m worried what the reality will be like. Does it become frustrating not just being able to see them when they have childcare commitments, or seeing them but the kids always being there?

Just to add, I think if I do decide once day I’d like kids, then he’d be open to that.

Has anyone had experience of this situation (childless, dating someone with children) and willing to share any pro/cons?

I met my DH when I was 21 he was 29. One of the first things I asked was did he have kids. He didn't. I couldn't do someone else's kids. I knew I couldn't I'm far too selfish in that aspect. Plus I am I child of a divorce with step siblings and half siblings on each side. It can be very, very messy.

I dated a guy with a kid when I was in my 20s and I vowed to never do it again. I come from a blended family, so that definitely coloured my opinion, but having been a step-child I had absolutely no wish to be anyone's step-mother. Step families are complicated and full of resentments IME.

It's actually a good opportunity to see what his parenting style would be. Obviously people with kids have to put kids first most of the time. There's nothing wrong with that because you will too when you have kids in your life (either these or your own for example). Parents who have opposing styles will have a lot of conflict.
No matter what you decide going forward, if it's with them take everything slow and don't push hard.

I have kids and would never date someone with kids. It’s just a nightmare - they will always always come first. You will struggling with spontaneous trips or if you ever wanted to move abroad or somewhere else in future for a job opportunity. You will at points do childcare, do teas, children’s activities. Christmas is about the kids. You will have to manage a really difficult half-sibling dynamic and whilst it will be your first, and you will be navigating being a first time parent, it will be your partners 3rd or 4th. Kids are really expensive and bringing 3 or 4 kids on holiday really restricts things. You’ll have issues with prioritising or perceived prioritising one kid over another and you will always be a blended family. He might sound great, there are lots of great stepparents and big families and people make it work, but with so many people out there, why take on the hassle before you have to? The best situation to be in is when you both have previous relationships and kids, as then you both have clearer expectations of what it is like to parent.

Why? As a mother I would hate never having the kids at the weekend but I would also not want them all the time and doing all the childcare. Having them during the week makes lots of sense in terms of time split.

I’ll keep it short.. usually pretty shit and turbulent. And you spend the time without them in a lovely bubble living your life how you want, then a day or two before the dread of the arrival and all it brings kicks in. They arrive, you don’t feel comfortable in your own home. They leave and you either bicker about shit that happened or just generally take a couple of days to reset your house and mind. Rinse and repeat. Would not recommend and will avoid from now on.

Only if it's in the best interests of the children

Some may not want to switch houses every week

And it also depends on distance for schools etc

Shit. This is spot on.

EG94 are you still in the situation? (I remember you and your lovely dogs).

What do you mean by “monster” - what was he doing?

What was the same size in that study? I can’t find that info

Its a long story but he was consistently not going to school, he was completely disrespectful, he stole money from her and he was an absolute slob who expected his mum to wait on him hand and foot, they were constantly arguing about him being a slob around the house. It came to a head when he grabbed her by throat and threatened her. She's quite petite and he's a big lad so she was frightened of him.

I accepted never coming first - that’s how it should be. But I ended up resenting coming behind the ex-wife, the ex-wife’s new partner, the ex-wife’s new partner’s kids, the ex-wife’s new partner’s ex-wife etc.

It was supposed to be a 50/50 split but ended up being probably 70/30 re boyfriend/ex-wife because she was constantly out or on holiday with the new partner (but never took her daughters anywhere). Ended after four years when I questioned why we couldn’t have just a couple of weekends away if ex-wife would have her own kids, and I was told I was unreasonable. Never again.

Wow. So why did his dad think it was acceptable to inflict that on someone else??

What if I meet a guy who has no kids, who wants them? I don't even know if I want more

And this basically.

Think it’s paywalled? I found it via https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=shared+parenting+evidence&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart

I think you may of name changed, this username isn’t ringing bells. Now I’m just over a year out and omg was like an instant relief. So happy not to deal with someone else’s kids! I do not miss it, I’m just very sure now, I do not want a Disney dad!! If I met a guy with kids they’d have to be grown up and have their own lives which doesn’t impact mine!

One more thing- you are early 30’s. Still time to meet someone without any real prior commitments. He says he is open to more children- I’d question whether this is actually true, or what he thinks you want to hear. If I had to bet, I’d say he wants you now- and is prepared to say anything to keep that. But that doesn’t mean he genuinely wants another child, or that he won’t leave in ten years time for someone younger whose biological clock hasn’t quite kicked in yet. If you might want children, you need to be certain he isn’t faking a future with you. Because time goes very fast over 30, and single as an early 30 something is a very different prospect to single at 38 or 40.

I am married now, but when I was dating, I would never date a man with children despite having a daughter myself. I had already seen what baby mama drama looked like and I had no interest in it.

Selfishly, I think I just wanted to come first.

I’ve dated two men with children but I never took the relationships seriously as I knew I didn’t want to be the step-mum and when I had kids, I’d want them to come first.
my advise is to date casually when the kids aren’t around, have loads of sex and fun and then move on if you or he want more. Keep your boundaries and don’t get too involved.