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Original poster

How to tell you best friend who has unexplained infertility that you’re pregnant?

85 replies

AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 20:35

Hand hold really. I can’t help but think of her even in though I am in the throes of joy with DH that we are expecting our second child. We are still super early at just 6 weeks! But all signs/ symptoms are looking great, positive tests etc and all really looking well. I have my first midwife appointment end of the month.

so, ive known my lovely friend for nearly 15 years now. She has a DD who is 5 and beautiful. She has been trying for a second baby now for 2 years. She has had tests, along with her DH but no reason as to why they cannot conceive. Sadly putting it down to ‘secondary unexplained infertility’. She has had many tears and has been so low about it to a point she has been unable to eat some days. She has been on a tablet also that is supposed to make you ovulate (can’t remember the name) but that still didn’t work so she has given up on that.

she lost her mum also 6 years ago and she really only confines in me a lot. She has not got a lot of other ‘close friends’ that she tells her troubles to.

im worried she’s going to put a distance between us as she will find it too painful to be around our second child/ me ?!

how do I break it?

thanks x

OP posts:
Momofboys2022 · 06/08/2025 20:40

Your friend can experience two things at once. Anger and grief at her own situation. Jealousy and happiness for you. There is no one emotion that will arise for her when you tell her. Be compassionate that you understand if she needs time but also trust that she will be happy for you in whatever way she can. This is so difficult and it shows what a great friend you are by considering her needs. She is lucky to have you and I genuinely hope you are lucky to have her too. There is no correct response from her as she navigates these new emotions when someone else gets to have the one thing she can’t have. I would just be honest and rip off the band aid by telling her. Good luck with it all and congratulations

Original poster
AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 20:43

Momofboys2022 · 06/08/2025 20:40

Your friend can experience two things at once. Anger and grief at her own situation. Jealousy and happiness for you. There is no one emotion that will arise for her when you tell her. Be compassionate that you understand if she needs time but also trust that she will be happy for you in whatever way she can. This is so difficult and it shows what a great friend you are by considering her needs. She is lucky to have you and I genuinely hope you are lucky to have her too. There is no correct response from her as she navigates these new emotions when someone else gets to have the one thing she can’t have. I would just be honest and rip off the band aid by telling her. Good luck with it all and congratulations

Thank you so much for your lovely message I have taken in every word. I have thought to rip off the plaster after we have our first scan and show her face to face.

I don’t know whether to do it face to face or over message? I am worried she may react badly then feel so bad afterwards.

OP posts:
CrispAppleStrudels · 06/08/2025 20:46

Do not do it face to face. I have been in that position and its horrid. Don't send her the scan pic either.

Just send her a text when you know she isnt going to be busy (ie not in the middle of the day at work) and tell her. It may be that she withdraws from your friendship for a short time, but she'll be feeling lots of conflicting emotions and she'll need some space.

ChewyMints · 06/08/2025 20:47

I was the friend in this exact same situation

I had one DC, and repeated miscarriages, and 3 years into it, while we were in the middle of investigations, my best friend had to tell me she was pregnant. She told me by phone, which I was so so grateful for. I could say all the right things and get off the phone and collapse. No journey home, no awkward goodbyes.

Momofboys2022 · 06/08/2025 20:47

By text gives her privacy and space to process it all without you observing her and her feeling she has to act a certain way for you. That might be kinder. But if she is genuinely over the moon for you she might have wanted to hug you there and then. I would choose a message. And follow up with you’d love to pop round for a coffee and arrange a time and date. You’ll know by her response how she feels. And then you can navigate that together as friends. I would not assume she will be upset so don’t include that in the message. But acknowledge that you aren’t sure how to tell her this news and still aren’t sure if this is the right way. But it felt right at the time.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/08/2025 20:47

On previous threads like this, people who have been in your friends position have shared that they preferred getting a text so they could process the news in their own time and own way.

I agree with this. A text doesn’t have to be impersonal. It can be loving and compassionate.

Please don’t show her your scan. I would find that really insensitive.

MedievalNun · 06/08/2025 20:49

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy.

2nd : having experienced infertility, it might be easier for you to write a long text / email / proper letter to your friend, letting her know you’re pregnant and that you understand she will have a lot of conflicting emotions about it, that you would love to see her but understand she might need time before she can do that, and you are always there for chats.

Your chats might have to avoid the P word for a while but I’m assuming she will be happy for you (if sad for herself) and will come around to being involved again.

I’ll admit that I did get weepy when friends were having 2nds / 3rds & we were told that we weren’t even to try, but after a day or so of that I was always really happy for them, especially if they were close friends.

Good luck with your pregnancy, you are obviously v caring to consider your friend like this.

Original poster
AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 20:50

ChewyMints · 06/08/2025 20:47

I was the friend in this exact same situation

I had one DC, and repeated miscarriages, and 3 years into it, while we were in the middle of investigations, my best friend had to tell me she was pregnant. She told me by phone, which I was so so grateful for. I could say all the right things and get off the phone and collapse. No journey home, no awkward goodbyes.

This has confirmed for me. Thank you. Do you think she may find it impersonal if I done it over the phone/ text?
i am so sorry you were in the same position

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 20:52

Thanks for all the responses and I am really sorry to hear others have been through infertility also.

OP posts:
MounjaroBingo · 06/08/2025 20:54

AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 20:43

Thank you so much for your lovely message I have taken in every word. I have thought to rip off the plaster after we have our first scan and show her face to face.

I don’t know whether to do it face to face or over message? I am worried she may react badly then feel so bad afterwards.

Show quote history

Good grief, why would you show her the scan picture?

FortyFacedFuckers · 06/08/2025 21:00

I spend over 10 years TTC I agree that you should send a text and allow her to digest the news in private

ellesbellesxxx · 06/08/2025 21:01

Congratulations!!!
I was this friend and I appreciated a text message... I also really appreciated when people didn't say things like "I didn't know how to tell you" as that then made it about me and made me feel awful... I was ALWAYS happy for my friends and their baby news but it just gave me a few minutes if it was a surprise to make sure I could call my friend and really celebrate their news without my sadness for me not creeping in if that makes sense?

Playgo · 06/08/2025 21:06

Don’t do it face to face.

And… Don’t do it by inviting her round for lunch, hiding your bump under a cushion and then saying you have a surprise for her!

(Yep, that happened.)

TryAgainSally · 06/08/2025 21:07

Im this friend. I would prefer to be told by text, so I can congratulate you and have my own private reaction.

Telling me face to face with a scan photo would be one of the worst ways I could think of, please dont do that.

frecklejuice · 06/08/2025 21:10

Speaking from experience I wouldn’t do it face to face and definitely don’t send a photo of the scan. Face to face is hard because your friend will have zero time to process it and will have to be instantly happy whereas over text she can take her time and have a moment if she needs it.

Congratulations on the baby x

Original poster
AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 21:12

TryAgainSally · 06/08/2025 21:07

Im this friend. I would prefer to be told by text, so I can congratulate you and have my own private reaction.

Telling me face to face with a scan photo would be one of the worst ways I could think of, please dont do that.

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
Bunnie007 · 06/08/2025 21:19

AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 20:43

Thank you so much for your lovely message I have taken in every word. I have thought to rip off the plaster after we have our first scan and show her face to face.

I don’t know whether to do it face to face or over message? I am worried she may react badly then feel so bad afterwards.

Show quote history

I was in the position of your friend lots of times (trying for first baby) as many of my closest friends got pregnant during the years I was trying. I preferred to get the news via text. This gave me a chance to have a little cry that it wasn’t my turn yet and then by the time I saw my friends I could focus on being happy for them. The friends who I found it easiest to continue to spend lots of times with were the ones who were fairly low key about their pregnancy ie talked about lots of other things not just preparing for baby etc but who also did tell me things like they were having their 20 week scan etc. I honestly was genuinely happy for my friends and I’m sure your friend will be happy for you too but it’s wonderful that you are being so thoughtful. Remember you deserve to enjoy every bit of this pregnancy (as much as you can- I know it’s tough physically and mentally being pregnant) and you’re friend, if she’s a true friend will want that for you. On a side note I hope you’re friend is getting some professional help if she’s getting really low

Inkybusine · 06/08/2025 21:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

niadainud · 06/08/2025 21:34

If you can, try to tell her when she has some time and when she will have support (so not ten minutes before she's due to go to work, as someone did to me).

And absolutely no need to show her the scan. I'm not sure why you ever thought that would be a good idea.

GingerPanda · 06/08/2025 21:35

Text her at a time when she won't be at work, and as others said, please no scan picture. Let her feel sad and acknowledge she might have several different emotions all at once. Give her time to process it and don't worry if she pulls back a little bit for a while.

Congratulations and thank you for being thoughtful and as kind as possible to your friend.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 06/08/2025 22:17

Some great advice here.
Having been in the same boat as your friend, I agree completely to tell her by text. She will be thrilled for you and also heartbroken for herself. Text gives her time to process both. Don't have any expectations on her reply. If you can tell her before you announce it publicly that would be a kindness, and let her know when you'll be posting about it or telling your friend group so she can be prepared.
Please don't automatically exclude her from any baby related things. Ask her what she wants to hear about and how, if she wants to be included in your baby shower etc.
I loved spoiling my friends and their babies, even in the heartbreak of ttc but I couldn't handle my friends complaining about pregnancy or friends that didn't know saying 'you'll be next' etc. Equally I found it awkward when heavily pregnant friends would meet me and never mention their soon to arrive baby!
You can't get it wrong if you keep talking openly with her, she won't expect you to pretend it won't be happening and likely will happily be a doting aunt!

123ZYX · 06/08/2025 22:23

Please don’t share a scan picture. I have had multiple miscarriages identified at scans and the pictures being back bad memories. If she wants to see a scan photo, she will let you know (based on my experience of being told by being shown a scan photo - admittedly in private rather than at the planned public announcement, but it still meant that I cried while congratulating)

cornbunting · 06/08/2025 22:23

CrispAppleStrudels · 06/08/2025 20:46

Do not do it face to face. I have been in that position and its horrid. Don't send her the scan pic either.

Just send her a text when you know she isnt going to be busy (ie not in the middle of the day at work) and tell her. It may be that she withdraws from your friendship for a short time, but she'll be feeling lots of conflicting emotions and she'll need some space.

This, exactly.

123ZYX · 06/08/2025 22:25

Just to add, after that initial reaction, I was thrilled for the friend and excited for them. Sometimes you just need time to react in private, so text without a scan picture is perfect

Original poster
AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/08/2025 22:26

overwhelmed by the feedback thank you so much all

OP posts: