How to tell you best friend who has unexplained infertility that you’re pregnant?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Hand hold really. I can’t help but think of her even in though I am in the throes of joy with DH that we are expecting our second child. We are still super early at just 6 weeks! But all signs/ symptoms are looking great, positive tests etc and all really looking well. I have my first midwife appointment end of the month.

so, ive known my lovely friend for nearly 15 years now. She has a DD who is 5 and beautiful. She has been trying for a second baby now for 2 years. She has had tests, along with her DH but no reason as to why they cannot conceive. Sadly putting it down to ‘secondary unexplained infertility’. She has had many tears and has been so low about it to a point she has been unable to eat some days. She has been on a tablet also that is supposed to make you ovulate (can’t remember the name) but that still didn’t work so she has given up on that.

she lost her mum also 6 years ago and she really only confines in me a lot. She has not got a lot of other ‘close friends’ that she tells her troubles to.

im worried she’s going to put a distance between us as she will find it too painful to be around our second child/ me ?!

how do I break it?

thanks x

Thank you, is that my friend who has a child?

yes she has a 5 year old. She has been trying for her second for 2 years.

I think you need to remember her pain is really not about you. You are just symbolising it right now. It’s fine to be hurt by her reaction but it’s very difficult when your happy news is hurting her. Give her time and distance. Let her feel what she feels, it is valid, and let her come to you when she’s ready. Don’t hold this against her.

Thank you

Just had a lovely message from my friend and we are planning to meet this week for coffee 😀

I echo anyone who has said do not tell her face to face. I was going through secondary infertility when my friend arranged to meet me face to face for lunch to tell me because she thought it was the right thing to do. Another friend had told me by text and that was way easier. I'm still friends with the texting person but not the other one. Her tactlessnes throughout the conversation was the beginning of the end of a 12 year friendship.

Sorry just read your update, good call telling her by text

Thats a great result. You definitely handled it the right way sending a message and allowing her time to process it.

I would take the scan photo when you meet her but not necessarily show her. Maybe see if she asks about it

I'm afraid I agree. As a childless woman (not by choice) I'm afraid I have little sympathy for women who already have a child. I'd like a second house in the Algarve, but we don't always get what we want.

I do agree with this also. Myself and DH view is she has a beautiful and healthy 5 year old daughter. I am not minimising her pain.

But why? She already knows what a scan looks like.

Well she’s gone back to not talking to me again.

Tell her via a message so she has time to process it and don’t share the scan picture.

Oh sorry posted too late!

It was only yesterday that she last sent you a message. Maybe she’s just been busy?

Personally I think as the “child” in this position having a mom who instead of being grateful she had a healthy child spent my whole life trying to have another and being miserable and focusing on not being able to have more children :-( I might as well have not existed because she didn’t appreciate me! It was all about how hard it was for her and how hard life was hearing other people had had babies etc - she already had one!!! People with secondary infertility make me so annoyed at their attitude! Yes it would be nice to have a 2nd child but if it doesn’t happen then just be bloody grateful you managed to have 1!!!

Why the insistence on showing scan photos? It’s just monochrome smudges and blobs. I can honestly say I was never gripped by a compulsion to force my pictures on others.

OP didn't show her the scan photos though did she?

I didn’t show her the scan photos.

So sorry to hear this. I do worry this is happening to her daughter. She is very open and verbal about what she says around her daughter. Her daughter pretends not to hear it but she repeats it to other adults/ school and also me sometimes. She takes in a lot more. My friend is also very open about asking her daughter ‘do you want a brother or sister?’ This was about a year after they realised they were really struggling to conceive. The parents push a lot on her

it is to a point they’ve messed her up by finding drawings of baby’s under her pillows and sad crying faces and ‘wishes’ to the Stork to bring her a brother or sister as mummy keeps talking about it.

OP, I’m so sorry your friend is acting like that.

She is selfish and inconsiderate. Her pain is not your fault and neither should you feel guilty for being pregnant.

My mum was told she was infertile. She was heartbroken, but she never once let it come between her and her friends who had children. She showed up for each one, and then when she fell pregnant, she was rewarded by having an entire village around her who helped her with her children (me and my brother). You’re better off without a friend like that in your life.

That's easy for you to say when you're pregnant with your second child, isn't it.

🙄

Sorry to hear about your Mum’s troubles. I do believe people deal with things differently.

I'd try and have some more empathy for your friend.

I'd send her a text when you'll passed 12 weeks and say something along the lines of I have some news to share. And I don't know how you're going to take it but I hope our friendship doesn't change because you mean so much to me. Then just tell her.