How to tell you best friend who has unexplained infertility that you’re pregnant?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Hand hold really. I can’t help but think of her even in though I am in the throes of joy with DH that we are expecting our second child. We are still super early at just 6 weeks! But all signs/ symptoms are looking great, positive tests etc and all really looking well. I have my first midwife appointment end of the month.

so, ive known my lovely friend for nearly 15 years now. She has a DD who is 5 and beautiful. She has been trying for a second baby now for 2 years. She has had tests, along with her DH but no reason as to why they cannot conceive. Sadly putting it down to ‘secondary unexplained infertility’. She has had many tears and has been so low about it to a point she has been unable to eat some days. She has been on a tablet also that is supposed to make you ovulate (can’t remember the name) but that still didn’t work so she has given up on that.

she lost her mum also 6 years ago and she really only confines in me a lot. She has not got a lot of other ‘close friends’ that she tells her troubles to.

im worried she’s going to put a distance between us as she will find it too painful to be around our second child/ me ?!

how do I break it?

thanks x

I’m leaning towards a text without a scan photo. It can go one or two ways with her. I’m worried she may be offended I ‘didn’t tell her in person’ as she is quite a strong character and can probably pull herself together but I am not sure if I want to risk putting her in that position

I am so sorry you’ve been through that.

Definitely the text. I’ve seen people absolutely broken by this news who then had to carry on working or socialising and trying to pretend they weren’t devastated.

Give her time and space to deal with it when she doesn’t have an audience and try to time it for when she’s likely to be at home. And as others have said, no scan photo.

First time good friend and colleague had a miscarriage after trying for a long time. When I got pregnant was dreading telling her. My husband and hers were friends so her husband told her. I was blanked until she became pregnant and had the baby. Everything went back to normal then.

Family member the moment she found out disappeared from our lives until the christening.

I was told in person and ina very sensitive way. Low key and in a way that acknowledged it would be hard for me to hear.

Had 3 mcs and years of trying both times. Please don’t do what my SIL did to me and try to show me her scan photos. We were in a theatre so I couldn’t get away. DH hesitated and looked at me and I shook my head. SIL then got upset. It was horrible. Send her a text so she can deal with your news in private. Don’t send it while she’s at work.

Congratulations - and I hope it works out for your friend as well. I have an almost 8 year gap between mine

See I don’t think that’s nice ..

It's not 'nice' but sometimes it's just so painful for the infertile person that distancing themselves is the best choice for their well-being. It's not about you, it's self-protection for them. They could pretend to be 'nice' and then go home and cry for hours, but you wouldn't see that.

FFS don't send her the scan picture.

Well neither is infertility.

I think it’s worse disowning someone for being pregnant.

I don’t believe anyone should have to shy away from their own pregnancy announcement because when their friends time comes, if it ever does, they’ll not be thinking about anyone except for themselves.

Send a text if you have to but enjoy your pregnancy excitement.

I have been through this. My best friend was going through investigations for infertility when I got pregnant for the first time. It was made even more awkward by the fact that I'd always been adamant that I didn't want children, changed my mind when I was 30 and was pregnant within weeks of stopping contraception whereas she'd been trying for several years. There's no denying it was difficult and we both had very mixed emotions. I did tell her in person but this was back in the 90s so no real option. I think I might go for text nowadays and maybe drop some hints in the run up. Does she know you're trying OP? I definitely wouldn't* *send the scan picture - that's the kind of thing you do with excited family members, not potentially distressed friends.
My friend came to see me in hospital after I had had my baby and she later said it was one of the hardest things she has ever done and that she cried all the way home. She was happy for me, sad for herself and then felt guilty and selfish for not being able to suppress her own sadness. I felt happy for me, sad for her and guilty that I'd got something that I'd got something relatively easily that I knew she wanted really badly and like I was rubbing her nose in it. It was really hard for us both. And then when I found the early weeks difficult I felt super guilty and that I couldn't share my unhappiness with her, as how could I moan about something that I knew she desperately wanted ? It was a time full of difficult emotions for us both. I think the key thing to remember is that emotions are powerful and to be sensitive to the fact that she may find it hard to process but that doesn't mean she's not happy for you or that you're not important to her.

Thank you

Wow, what a thing to say

No-one has to "shy away" from it, but you can be considerate about whom you direct it to. It surely doesn't noticeably diminish your joy and excitement not to crow about it to a friend who's dealing with infertility. (NB I'm not suggesting the OP is doing that.)

I do agree with this. I had a good friend who tried for a while to get pregnant. She found every announcement so painful…until she got pregnant and any memory of that seemed to go out the window and she made her own cringey post.

You’re obviously a great friend for thinking about your friend’s feelings and how she will take it - a lot of women would be oblivious I’m sure.

Congratulations x

Congratulations 🥂
I’m also going to suggest not doing it face to face.
I told my dearest longtime friend to fuck off when she told me she was expecting her 3rd face to face, while I was undergoing fertility tests, she told me over the phone about her 4th, just before my hysterectomy, that was much easier to handle. Bless her she had shit timing .
incidently my fertility tests told me I would never EVER fall pregnant naturally and needed ivf, I proved them wrong. My son is 4 mths younger than her 3rd.

You’ve said and suggested some incredibly insensitive things, OP.

Update: I told my friend through a text message (no scan photo) as people have suggested.

she hasn’t spoken to me in 2 days.

I am really upset she has completely ghosted me

Totally not my intention at all and apologies if I have come across like this.

That’s ok. Give her time to process your news. She is not not happy for you. She is feeling the unfairness of this for herself. Two things can exist at the same time. Her anger for her own situation and her happiness for you xx

Thank you, I have spoken to DH and he has said a very similar thing to you.

I sent her about a 3 paragraph message explaining how much I loved her and how I am understanding of her feelings.

her silence is making me feel like I have betrayed her.

her other friends have told her they are pregnant and as far as I know she congratulated them. I haven’t even got a congratulations. I value and love our friendship but I’m equally quite hurt by this 😞

congratulations!

i stopped reading when i saw she has a child aged 5