How to manage hurt feelings

[Izzwizzo]

I’ve got an ongoing situation with my parents that I’m trying to manage my feelings about and mostly failing!

I have a sister who lives overseas. We get on really well and she comes to visit but not very often. She is very much my mother’s favourite child and in comparison I’ve always been somewhat of a disappointment especially academically.

I suspect I was a much more outgoing child compared to my sister who was quite shy and quiet when younger. I know that my adult life has been spent trying to do the “right” things according to my mother. I’m married, I have a child, I’ve made a successful career but it never feels like I’ve done enough if that makes sense.

By comparison my sister moved away as a young adult, has never married (although she has a lovely v long term partner), she’s got a job that’s she’s really happy in although has not used her academic qualifications and has not had children. There’s nothing wrong with any of that it’s just trying to explain that I feel as if I’m still a disappointment despite doing all the things expected.

Anyway my sister is due to visit in a few months time and plans are in place but as with the last few visits my parents have organised a family get together so she can see all of the extended family but I and my husband and child have been excluded. If pressed my mother will argue that as we are all in the same country we can get together any time and it’s my sisters time to shine and I or my child might inadvertently take the attention away from her.

it just hurts. I feel small and diminished and as if I don’t count. I’m fine to host the Christmas gatherings or any other get togethers (along with paying for all of it) but not good enough to join if my sister is here. It does make me wonder what like would have been like if she’d never moved.

I love my sister, I’d never want to take attention away from her but this always casts a shadow over every visit as I feel hurt. I’m just not sure how to manage my feelings so we have a good time when she is here. Sorry it’s so long was trying to avoid any drip feeds later on

Sorry OP this sounds massively unfair on you. Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel? I’m not sure why you need to be excluded? Surely your extended family could meet with both you and your sister?? I am struggling to understand why a mum would do this. I have 4 kids aged from 22 to 6 months - they are all very different but I am so proud of them all and my favourite times are when I have all 4 of them together.

My parents would never hear from me again with that attitude.

Ditto

Does this amazing sister never ask why you aren’t there?

There’s nothing wrong with any of that it’s just trying to explain that I feel as if I’m still a disappointment despite doing all the things expected.

And yet, you refer to your life as doing everything that's expected. Why is it expected that someone marries and has children? Why do you think those are the right things?And any deviation from it isn't normal.

You may not realize it but the way your message is drafted is that she is the abnormal one

You refer to your children, potentially taking the shine away from her.So possibly that's happened before.

Maybe she just wants to see her parents and doesn't want to make it about you and your kids.And that you ve done what is expected.

I think you have more bias towards her and her life choices than you realise, because you ve berated her for not using her qualifications and said, you ve done what's expected as she hasn't.

You might not realize it, but you probably see your family and children as the great equalizer. So she move abroad, young and was better academically.So what youve done what matters right and she hasn't even managed to get married or use her qualification. I m not saying it's intentional, but that is what your post smacks of.

There is no point in talking to your mother about how you feel because she does not care. She along with her DH created this golden child and scapegoat dynamic often seen in narcissistic families.

You are the scapegoat in your family of origin and your sister is the golden child. Therefor she is more favoured whereas you and in turn your family are scapegoated and or otherwise ignored.

I would give your parents and sister a very wide berth going forward. It is not possible to have a relationship with people who are this disordered of thinking. Do read Will I ever be good enough? By Karyl McBride. Also read the out of the fog website.

Is it at one thing your parents are saying is a just for her thing, or are they saying no contact at all when they are over?

Do not let anyone try to minimise your own experiences here. You have every right to feel as you do. It’s your mother that is in the wrong here. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

But then the sister equally has every right to feel the way she does.

Maybe she has had fertility struggles. Maybe she's been told or made to feel for so long that you're the normal one and she isn't. You've got your lovely family and she's not even married.

Neither of you are wrong and you will both just clearly very different people. But you don't seem to be able to find a way to reconcile your differences. You point them out and highlight them.

She lives abroad, and you don't she she has every right to see her parents without you around. You get to see them all the time without her around surely. But she's wrong for wanting to do the same.

You're the golden child, aren't you?

OP your mother sounds like she has a similar attitude to mine. Mine had no hesitation in excluding me from things and expected me to just suck it up.

I haven't spoken to her for quite a few years now and it's so much better. No expectations and feeling like I don't measure up. I do Christmas how I want it and don't have to put up with her shit in other ways. Best of all, I don't have to do any caring when the time comes.

Sometimes mothers reap what they sow. If you let this go it'll eat away at you

Ops parents have caused this to arise by making the sister the golden child and the op the scapegoat. Both sisters are victims in different ways.

Lol no i'm the scape goat

The golden child would be my sister
The one with children and a marriage and i'm the one with fertility problems and had a string of failed relationships including someone leaving me because of my fertility problems.

My sister loved pointing out her family and children to me. And how she's got the normal life.

You don't see it, but I do.The first post is dripping with so what about her life?I did the best

I did what is expected. That's golden child talk.

The sister lives overseas and almost never sees her parents at all. The op sees her parents without her sister around all the time, because she lives in this country. She could at least allow her sister to see her parents alone without her.

Its not my or my sisters expectations of what’s normal. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. It’s my mothers and to some extent my fathers which they have been very vocal about since we were children.

My sister has a lovely life as do I. There’s no jealousy between us, we’re really close and we’ll spend time together just us when she’s here and she’ll also spend lots of time staying with my parents and them doing lots of 1-1 time.

It’s only the all the family get together that I’m excluded from. Usually all the Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc. Yes I do get to see them more as I live in the same country but usually only once every couple of years, we don’t have a big get together often. I want my sister to be able to see them too. But it hurts that I’m told I’m not welcome. I’m allowed to see them any other time, just not when my sister is visiting. It’s not a huge thing day to day but it does make me sad.

Maybe she wants time with your parents alone? Maybe she's like to see the relatives in her own right, rather than it being a huge get together? If you are outgoing and her less so, does that leave her a bit unnoticed if you're there?

Its not my or my sisters expectations of what’s normal. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. It’s my mothers and to some extent my fathers which they have been very vocal about since we were children.

You're the golden child then
She is the scapegoat

Your life is acceptable to your mother. And I m sorry that you felt the need to live up to your mother's expectations. In, your mother's eyes, you've done everything, right.

Like it or not, that is a horrible way for the other sister to feel that they know they have a lifestyle.Their mother doesn't approve of. You're the one that did it all right in your mother's eyes. So how does it make the sister feel.

She lives abroad, let her see her mother without you around. You get to do that all the time.

So still in FOG?

You would be ok from being excluded from big family gatherings? This isn't a let sister have 1+1 time with parents here.

If your mother has specifically said you are not invited that is cruel. Unless there's a backstory that you sisters despised each other growing up & hated each other's company?

Would you want to invite just your sister & her partner over to yours for an afternoon/evening to catch up? Start to forge a new adult relationship.

I would stop with hosting & paying for Christmas & other holidays. Let your parents buy & cook their own turkey. Don't be used as good enough until the sibling turns up.

No I’m the opposite. I’d never be the golden child despite meeting my parents expectations. I’m still a disappointment to them. That I’ve come to terms with. I just would like to be part of a family get together, you know as part of the family. Not told I’m not welcome (again)

If you and your sister are close, does she know you've been excluded (maybe she's been told you're busy or don't want to come)? She might be horrified and insist you are invited.

Wow! Were you trying to get the boot in there?

Even if OP was trying to “equalize”, isn’t the dynamic “My mother didn’t like me when I was a child, so I did everything she said I should in order that she would like me, but she still doesn’t.” You knew that, but decided to get the jab in anyway.

OP, it is a sad truth that introverted parents generally don’t like their chatty extroverted children, and wish they would STFU 90% of the time.
She doesn’t want you around the family, because she finds you talking physically painful. She wants to show off her golden child, and maybe say that you are jealous and turned down the invite.

Stop asking your mother why she does stuff. Assuming goodwill has got you into this situation.
Your best bet is to nonchalantly drop into conversation about her favourite child. She won’t deny it, and you can laugh at her pathetic attempts to hide the obvious.

I think it was clear from the OP that these are the mother’s expectations, not the OP’s own.

My sister is coming to stay at my house for a few days which will be great and we’ll have a really lovely time and get to catch up. We get on great.

I know it’s only one event that I’m not allowed to join but it just feels humiliating if that makes sense. Like although we get on really well my mother cannot let us be together in a wider family gathering