How to manage hurt feelings

[Izzwizzo]

I’ve got an ongoing situation with my parents that I’m trying to manage my feelings about and mostly failing!

I have a sister who lives overseas. We get on really well and she comes to visit but not very often. She is very much my mother’s favourite child and in comparison I’ve always been somewhat of a disappointment especially academically.

I suspect I was a much more outgoing child compared to my sister who was quite shy and quiet when younger. I know that my adult life has been spent trying to do the “right” things according to my mother. I’m married, I have a child, I’ve made a successful career but it never feels like I’ve done enough if that makes sense.

By comparison my sister moved away as a young adult, has never married (although she has a lovely v long term partner), she’s got a job that’s she’s really happy in although has not used her academic qualifications and has not had children. There’s nothing wrong with any of that it’s just trying to explain that I feel as if I’m still a disappointment despite doing all the things expected.

Anyway my sister is due to visit in a few months time and plans are in place but as with the last few visits my parents have organised a family get together so she can see all of the extended family but I and my husband and child have been excluded. If pressed my mother will argue that as we are all in the same country we can get together any time and it’s my sisters time to shine and I or my child might inadvertently take the attention away from her.

it just hurts. I feel small and diminished and as if I don’t count. I’m fine to host the Christmas gatherings or any other get togethers (along with paying for all of it) but not good enough to join if my sister is here. It does make me wonder what like would have been like if she’d never moved.

I love my sister, I’d never want to take attention away from her but this always casts a shadow over every visit as I feel hurt. I’m just not sure how to manage my feelings so we have a good time when she is here. Sorry it’s so long was trying to avoid any drip feeds later on

Oh also, on your sister's next visit, 100% you and your sister should organise the big family gathering. Start the ball rolling on that before your mum even knows your sister is coming. Your mum currently holds the cards - but it doesn't have to be that way.

It’s not a family get together without you. My mother in law has done this sort of stuff before to me, inviting wider family, including my own parents and telling me I can babysit -: mine and other’s family members kids - so not even an invitation (my own mother was so horrified she insisted that she & my dad would babysit all the children instead and I would go to the get together :lol: ) That was hurtful enough but I know my MIL finds me difficult and I can live with that. I can’t imagine my own mother doing that. Surely the extended family find it weird.

Are there other children there? If an adult only style formal event maybe I could understand - but at least invite you, even if kids excluded.

Oh just read the extended family don’t know I wonder what she says when people ask where you are.

Definitely go very low contact OP. No one needs this dynamic in their life

You’re projecting here, OPs situation is not the same as yours so stop fixating, the issue here is not how her sister feels but how her mother excludes her when her sister visits.

She was only giving background info, that doesn’t mean she points out her sisters lack of children to her sister like your sister does.

“The sister lives overseas and almost never sees her parents at all. The op sees her parents without her sister around all the time, because she lives in this country. She could at least allow her sister to see her parents alone without her.”

Did you really type this bullshit???? You think it’s fine for her mother to organize meet up with other family members and her visiting sister but exclude her because she lives in the same country as her parents and the sister had to see the parents alone?? Seriously?

Of course sister will see mother without her but this is a family gathering to celebrate sister visiting and you think it’s fine family embers are invited but she excluded her own daughter, WTF???

Your mother’s behaviour is unacceptable and needs addressing, really.

As you and your sister get along well, I’d tell her about it and then you two together can decide what to do. I agree with a PP, this isn’t even about your sister, your mother wants that gathering for herself.

Thank you all for the lovely messages. They have made me feel like this is not normal. To answer a few questions

My sister does know as she asked and I told her I wasn’t invited. She absolutely would challenge our mother but she knows that it would ultimately come back to me. She’s also very gentle and it would really upset her

I could mention it to one of my extended family and they would insist I was there, they are all lovely but again my mother would be so angry and I’d have months of nasty comments and emails about my selfish and attention seeking behaviour and to be honest I’m not up for putting myself through that.

my mother has an almost infinite capacity for making an atmosphere unpleasant. If my sister did challenge her she would absolutely ruin the visit. She would be the victim trying to do something nice for my sister, there would be cold silences and one word answers for the entire visit. My sis doesn’t get to visit very often (finances and a lot of animals to care for means it’s not practical more often) and I don’t want it ruined for her. Our parents are elderly now and so there’s a limited amount of visits left.

It absolutely is all about my mother. She will absolutely want to be the center of attention leading her amazing daughter around and telling everyone all the news. It’s a get together to make her look great and she will not want any attention taken away from that.

There are two issues here op.

one is thr immediate situation. It is not right that you are excluded on the gathering to satisfy your mother.

at minimum, you need to make clear to your sister, dad and mother that you are very unhappy at being excluded: that this is hurtful and wrong. Then let them decide what to do about it, if anything.

given the dynamic, they may do nothing, but you will have spoken your truth and while thr gathering is happening, your sister at least is likely to feel your exclusion. And when wider family members ask why you aren’t there, which they will, your parents will find themselves in a difficult position.

Going forward, you do need to make clear to them your unhappiness at this situation. And then reduce contact. It is up to them wha5 they do about this. It you need to see the relationship as taking place more on your terms and less on theirs.

being the scapegoat is awful (I am one). Your parents are unlikely to change but you can change how you deal with them.

and don’t let any of this spoil your relationship with your sister. Tell her how you feel, say it’s sad, but keep your closeness. That is something to treasure.

my mother has an almost infinite capacity for making an atmosphere unpleasant.

It absolutely is all about my mother.

I know it's a tough idea to take on board but nothing will change unless you change it. Now you may decide it's too hard, too hurtful to all concerned, too whatever. In which case you can try to work around it, but at some stage you will need to be the adult in the room. Don't wait until you're in your 60's.

That's really shocking. Your mother is very cruel. I'd be knocking Christmas on the head for a start. You should not do more emotionally and practically for your parents than they would do for you.

I can understand why you feel hurt, OP.

I live abroad and would never dream of excluding my brother from family get togethers when we visit the UK.

Your title is telling 'How do I manage hurt feelings?' - I expect that you have had to swallow your feelings all your life from a young child?

Your parents are now inflicting this on your own DCs. I think its amazing that you and your DSis have maintainted a respectful and loving relationship despite your DPs.

It is disgraceful to be excluded and humiliated in the wider extended family.

Op you sound lovely and it's great that you and your sister are close (in spite of your mother).

All you can do is change your reaction to your mother's behaviour. She isn't going to change. I hope that you have found this thread helpful.

Only until you change your behaviour or reaction, will change happen.

I would not be tolerating this and if you don't want to challenge them or even express your disappointment, I would be going low contact and explain why.

What a horrible way for your mum to behave! Unfortunately you are not going to be able to change her, however much you might try. I read a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and that really helped me with coping strategies around difficult parents.
I'd also recommend talking it all through with a therapist. Therapy isn't a one&done - sometimes you need to revisit things at various periods throughout life. It's not reasonable behaviour on her part to exclude you but talking it through with someone might help you process your (perfectly reasonable) feelings and feel better.
It's really not you that's the problem here. I'd focus on your relationship with your sister and leave your mum to stew.

This is a very strange post.

Not having the OP to a family do, excluding her from a wider family occasion is not on.

This posters obtuse attempt to make something okay that is far from normal and suggest a degree of blame for the OP in a situation that she didn’t have power in is a very strange way of looking at the situation. A dynamic was set up by a parent throughout childhood when the parent had all of the power in the family which excludes the OP. That dynamic has persisted and now the OP finally feels in a position to react to it. It was never ok and it is not ok now.

I would gate crash it with your Dsis approval and without your DMs knowledge - how can your Dsis allow her nieces and nephews to be excluded from an extended family event - your DM doesnt own you, your Dsis or the extended family - she doesn't get to gate-keep the relationships - you all have your own separate and independent relationships as adults to nurture and connect as you see fit.

Your DM controls all of you with her threat of volatility - call her bluff - what's going to happen - she explodes like popcorn? Anticipate it - emotionally prepare for it by internally laughing at it and physically keep out of the firing line at the other end of the room, calmly walking away if she starts or be busy chatting the others.

Her 'unpleasant' mood will only reflect badly on her amongst the extended family - my guess is they all already know very well whats she's like as they will have had a lifetime of her tedious braying about her DD.

You are all giving her power my cowering from her threatened rage. Just look at her like bad weather - a storm cloud passing through - put on your emotional raincoat and KOKO - she cant kill you - and the storm will pass.

Find out where the meet up is and rock up and take your place in your extended family as you are entitled to.

Then I would be NC with them both - no xmas, no elderly care - give her something to bitch about as she does anyway.

The most important thing is that you personally address and heal this wound that she has inflicted on you because this will impact how you show up as a mother - what do you want your DCs to see and sense? That their DM is cowed and controlled by someone? That she is preoccupied, people pleasing and hurt? No - they need to sense and see a DM who is robust, confident and who does the right thing. Its such a classic dynamic - your DM will never change - its 100% your responsibility how much you allow her antics to hurt you.

I’m sorry @Izzwizzo but I would say your mum is a narcissistic person. You know rationally that you can’t change that. You also rationally know that your dad and sister are enabling that by not challenging it. I’m not saying that they should, it is how they are surviving the situation.

You will have good company on the Stately Homes threads. People who have also had to grieve and find their way to deal with going low or no contact, and manage how you are feeling now.

Sometimes acknowledging and labelling the “thing” is the start of that and I hope you find some solace and support in this thread and others with some good signposts for reading and other things that might help you.

I think you should consider therapy to explore why on earth you seem to feel you're competing for your mother's affections with your sister.

Your post breathes competitiveness and insecurity. If you've chosen to spend your adult life doing all the things you imagine you mother 'expects' of you (how do you know this?) in order to 'win', while your sister decided not to bother competing and moved abroad and did her own thing -- that's on you. As is your feeling that you should obviously be invited to the family gathering so that everyone can see that you've 'won'. How would winning be decided? The wider family standing up and applauding when you walk in?

You are projecting a lot onto your mother, too. Why would you spend your life doing things you imagine she 'expects', while feeling like a 'disappointment' and why on earth would you imagine she's not inviting you to the wider family gathering in order not to 'take the shine' off your sister? Why is it that you imagine your child and husband would trump your sister's life?

Grow up, OP. Living a life because you imagine your mother wants you to do certain things is not an adult decision. I think the sooner you unpick your thoughts about all of this the sooner you will find some kind of ease.

Op do it you have nothing to lose but take back control obviously with sisters blessing, your family op, please don't allow your mum any more control over you xxx

Jesus Christ. I think YOU should explore therapy to explore why youve come to this conclusion. You’re so wrong on so many levels. She’s been told she isn’t invited. She hasn’t ’imagined it’. The mother has deliberately excluded her and she’s been left confused and devastated. It’s totally not normal or okay. The mother is messed up. Not the OP

It seems to me that going forward your mother has way more to lose from upsetting you than you do her.
Take control... Tell her you and your sister have spoken and agreed that you should all be there... If not it's not happening. Si what if she had a tantrum. Ignore her and she will come running...

You should have a family get together at your house but don't invite your parents. I very much doubt that they would find that acceptable.

I'd stop seeing so much of your parents if they think it's OK to exclude you from family gatherings. They sound divisive and quite unkind.

Once your sister has gone home, massively reduce contact with your mum. She sounds utterly toxic and not a good influence for your children.

She tried to cause a rift between you and your sister during your childhood by having an obvious favourite in your sister who was more academic.

Any kind and normal mother would be delighted to have both daughters and grandchildren at the wider family event. She can exclude who she wants, but so can you. Exclude this horrible woman from your family's life. She can't behave like this with no negative consequences for her.

This is crucial here. Not so unreasonable you might not be invited for a one off visit but not ok if you are excluded from other things. My guess is she wants to meet with family without the hassle of a child there but is too polite to say so.

So my sister will split her visit into staying with our parents, staying with me/my family and travelling to catch up with friends etc. so we’ll all get to see her have one on one time etc. However there is always one large family get together with all extended family aunts, uncles, cousins etc and their families and this is the one that I’m excluded from and my family me,DH and DD are the only ones excluded.