How to manage hurt feelings

[Izzwizzo]

I’ve got an ongoing situation with my parents that I’m trying to manage my feelings about and mostly failing!

I have a sister who lives overseas. We get on really well and she comes to visit but not very often. She is very much my mother’s favourite child and in comparison I’ve always been somewhat of a disappointment especially academically.

I suspect I was a much more outgoing child compared to my sister who was quite shy and quiet when younger. I know that my adult life has been spent trying to do the “right” things according to my mother. I’m married, I have a child, I’ve made a successful career but it never feels like I’ve done enough if that makes sense.

By comparison my sister moved away as a young adult, has never married (although she has a lovely v long term partner), she’s got a job that’s she’s really happy in although has not used her academic qualifications and has not had children. There’s nothing wrong with any of that it’s just trying to explain that I feel as if I’m still a disappointment despite doing all the things expected.

Anyway my sister is due to visit in a few months time and plans are in place but as with the last few visits my parents have organised a family get together so she can see all of the extended family but I and my husband and child have been excluded. If pressed my mother will argue that as we are all in the same country we can get together any time and it’s my sisters time to shine and I or my child might inadvertently take the attention away from her.

it just hurts. I feel small and diminished and as if I don’t count. I’m fine to host the Christmas gatherings or any other get togethers (along with paying for all of it) but not good enough to join if my sister is here. It does make me wonder what like would have been like if she’d never moved.

I love my sister, I’d never want to take attention away from her but this always casts a shadow over every visit as I feel hurt. I’m just not sure how to manage my feelings so we have a good time when she is here. Sorry it’s so long was trying to avoid any drip feeds later on

Will there be other young children at this 'one event'?
It really doesn't sound that bad with your update that there'll be lots of other events

I think I will be massively reducing contact though going forwards. I’ll speak to my sister over the coming weeks and I know she’ll want me to insist on coming to the family gathering but I’m not sure if I have the stomach for it.

In some ways it will be sad for my DD as she adores my Dad in particular but having read all of the comments here, I just can’t trust my mother not to do something similar in future to her. My DD is getting older and more aware now and I don’t ever want her to feel excluded for no good reason

Yes they’ll be other children there. It’s the whole family and all their families so spouses, kids etc

Sorry I forgot to say there is only one event, this one. There’s not loads of events with the family. I will of course get to see my sister but not with everyone else and I’m not ok with that

It's absolutely not right that you are excluded from this family event. Your sister may be great, etc but the fact she hasn't got your back and is appeasing your mum must feel very disrespectful to you. I know you love and respect your sister but for her not to stick up for you here. You are both adults, why doesn't your sister stand up for you? Is she scared of your mother?

This is outrageous. Dont let your nasty DM exclude your DD from interacting with her extended family - this is very special if there are other DCs there - many families dont have this opportunity. Your DM has no right to do this. Tell a trusted aunt / cousin what is going on. Just rock up and keep calm. Then distance.

I also think that as your parents are elderly and you talk about aunts/uncles - that they are probably getting on as well and if you only ever see them every 2-3 years then even more reason to rock up - as next opportunity to see them might well be a funeral. This time is precious and if your own parents have thrown you all under the bus your other blood relatives will be important for your and your DD. Stand your ground - calmly. Choose not to be impacted by her 'unpleasant' behaviour - see her as an tantruming toddler who is only embarassing herself in front of her relatives. She behaves like this to you and your dsis because you both inadvertently indulge her. Do not let her exclude your DD from precious family bonds. My DCs are really friendly with my own cousins DCs - they live all over the world and my now adult DCs will meet up with their Ozzie, American or Irish cousins whenever they are passing through. This is very precious for your DD well beyond when your DM has left this earth.

This is so odd.

Just go!

Your mum is hardly going to say, "What are you doing here? You weren't invited!" in front of the whole extended family, is she?

That’s bloody awful. Why on earth exclude you? The normal thing to do would be to invite you and your sister, and your families.

Why do you feel you need to do the ‘right’ things?

your mum sounds awful. Really cruel. Have you considered counselling?

Your mother is cruel

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

I would whatsapp all the aunts/uncles and cousins and tell them that you are looking forward to catching up. Also tell them what your DM has done and that your Dsis disagrees and is hurt by your DM.

Not one of them would believe this is reasonable....but as I have said before - they will all have the measure of her already.

This is the most unbelievable thing I’ve read on here in a long time. Your mum is mental. Very weird. The rest of your family would also think the same thing! Honestly take a step back from her.

Your mother’s behaviour is bizarre and nasty. I see from what you say that your DSis is not buying into it or encouraging it and that you are looking forward to your time with her. I know you are concerned for her but I think I’d want my sis to call my mum out on it. She can do that without saying she knows your mum told you not to come but by saying she’s very concerned that you don’t appear to be coming and what can be done about it?

If her argument is that she can see you any time, the response to that is, "No you can't. You can see me when I want to see you, and if you're going to exclude me from big family events everyone else is invited to then why would I want to see you at other times? It's really weird and hurtful behaviour."

Gosh, your parents are cut from the same cloth as mine. They have one perfect daughter and one disappointment, as I am the disappointment, I decided to cut ties. I am much happier and have no interest in their holidays together, Christmas together, mother's day together and anything else the do together, because I was never ever a part of it.

That’s right, we’ve seen so many stories where the parents organise a family get together and leave the golden child out of it.
of course she’s not the fucking golden child.

‘Hi mum, it seems I’m not invited to family things. I’m either family or im not. Also, I won’t be hosting Christmas or anything else this year. Let me know if you want to invite me to anything while my sister is in town or if you’d rather just ignore me.’

This is awful! How often do you get together with the extended family?

Maybe arrange your own family get together and leave out your parents, or just your mum

I would not allow my sister to be treated this way for any reason - I would insist it was both of us or neither.

Not very often as a large family gathering. Maybe every couple of years, unless it’s a wedding, significant anniversary party etc. They’re always lovely it’s just tricky finding a date that everyone can do which is why they don’t happen more often

I agree - and her DD and DH - they are all being treated so badly. The OP needs her extended family interactions for her DD have connections with all of the other children who will be going - just so she gets to experience what a kind and respectful family gathering looks and feels like - because she doesnt get this with her grandparenats and if her aunt doesnt ahve DCs and lives overseas - the OP's DD needs and deserves that special connection that can come from blood relatives. Devastated for your little girl. Dont let your DM do this to her.

Sounds like your sister gets to see them more than you!

I would speak to your sister and see what she suggests. Would she be happier if you were there despite your mums behaviour, or happier if you weren't due to the how difficult your mums behaviour would be if you went?

I also would rethink Christmas with you hosting and paying, including any other get togethers. I'd only spend that time with people who give me joy, and I them.

:Thats horrible, OP, and bizarre as well. . It always amazes me how many ways families can find to diminish other family members. I can understand you wanting to avoid a row that would spoil your sisters visit and i probably wouldn't go either, but i would tell my sister and my Dad why i wasn't there, and probably other family members too. And do rethink your role in organising and paying for Christmas and other events.

I’ve been the sister in this situation and there no way I would ever let my sister and niece be left out. She needs to refuse to go unless you
are there. Then go no contact with your mother, even if it only for the short time, might make her wake up to her behaviour. Might not though!