How to manage hurt feelings

[Izzwizzo]

I’ve got an ongoing situation with my parents that I’m trying to manage my feelings about and mostly failing!

I have a sister who lives overseas. We get on really well and she comes to visit but not very often. She is very much my mother’s favourite child and in comparison I’ve always been somewhat of a disappointment especially academically.

I suspect I was a much more outgoing child compared to my sister who was quite shy and quiet when younger. I know that my adult life has been spent trying to do the “right” things according to my mother. I’m married, I have a child, I’ve made a successful career but it never feels like I’ve done enough if that makes sense.

By comparison my sister moved away as a young adult, has never married (although she has a lovely v long term partner), she’s got a job that’s she’s really happy in although has not used her academic qualifications and has not had children. There’s nothing wrong with any of that it’s just trying to explain that I feel as if I’m still a disappointment despite doing all the things expected.

Anyway my sister is due to visit in a few months time and plans are in place but as with the last few visits my parents have organised a family get together so she can see all of the extended family but I and my husband and child have been excluded. If pressed my mother will argue that as we are all in the same country we can get together any time and it’s my sisters time to shine and I or my child might inadvertently take the attention away from her.

it just hurts. I feel small and diminished and as if I don’t count. I’m fine to host the Christmas gatherings or any other get togethers (along with paying for all of it) but not good enough to join if my sister is here. It does make me wonder what like would have been like if she’d never moved.

I love my sister, I’d never want to take attention away from her but this always casts a shadow over every visit as I feel hurt. I’m just not sure how to manage my feelings so we have a good time when she is here. Sorry it’s so long was trying to avoid any drip feeds later on

Thank you, that means a lot. I do hate feeling like this and I don’t want to be selfish. I just want to feel a part of it. All the family together

Your mother’s rationale for not inviting you is bizarre. And unacceptable.

I would schedule in events with your sister without your parents who sound toxic.

And then when your sister leaves, I would have very little, if anything, to do with your parents.

Hey
that your mum not invite you on top of the other issues sounds like a really hard/disappointing thing to deal with.
Can you discuss this with your sister ? Maybe the both of you can tell your parents there's no need to exclude you?
And I think it's important you value yourself regardless of how people make you feel within the family unit. Try to surround yourself with people who value you for you.

It's not nice for you to be excluded. I would confront your mum and let the chips fall where they may.

I'd message...
I am very hurt that you are excluding me from the family get together. I am after all part of the family. I would like to attend and see everyone.

If she excludes you then go very low contact. Don't do Christmas. Don't do things for them. Dont pursue a relationship with them. You're only part of the family until they get a better option so remove yourself from the equation. The dynamics will only hurt you.

What would happen if you turned up anyway and how does your sister feel about you not being invited?

So are there other family gatherings being held? What is it about this one? Are you/dc usually 'centre stage' at things? Can't understand why your dm would not invite you to this one event, but no issues with all the others?

You say you and your sister are close so what does she say about a family get together where you are not invited? By going, she’s playing a role in your family’s dysfunction. I suspect it’s no coincidence that your sister has moved away. She probably has her own issues with regards to your parent’s behaviour. The role of golden child is just as shitty as the scapegoat.

you have every right to be hurt about the exclusion and most people would be. I think for your own sanity you do need to accept that your family is deeply dysfunctional and even you describing yourself having done the ‘right’ things shows just how divisive your parents behaviour is. Just as you did the supposed ‘right’ things to win your parents approval, your sister could have subconsciously done the ‘wrong’ things to gain their disapproval.

You can’t change them but you and your sister can deliver the most effective fuck you by not letting their toxicity affect your relationship. The sooner you let go of the hope that things will change the sooner you will be able to accept that your parents behaviour has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Give yourself the gift of letting go and seek professional support if you need help in achieving that.

Why cant your sister just tell your mum that she wants you there??

I don’t know where it is so I couldn’t just turn up. I know the general area but not exactly where. My mother has organised it and expressly told me I’m not welcome but she won’t tell anyone else including my Dad that she’s said that. If I insisted on attending I’d be selfish and unfair for attempting to take any attention away from my sister.

My sister knows but if she confronts my mother then my mother will know it’s come from me and again any backlash will come back to me. My sister will want to go quite rightly and Mum won’t tell anyone else that I’m not going.

I know I’m not going to go. I’d just like to manage how I feel about it so I’m less sad and to be honest teary eyed every time I think about it.

I would personally speak to your dad about this. It's weird of your mother to exclude you
I would also be telling everyone other family member too

This. Don't just accept it, when you could have other family members on side.

My God OP, please tell me you're going to address this and not ignore it! This is not normal behaviour from a mother and grandmother! It's the most bizarre thing I've ever read.
Never would I host her again, it shocks me how much abuse people take from their parents on mn without standing up for themselves.
Talk to your father, explain how much this has hurt you and you expect an apology from her. If none is given, there's your answer. Stop being walked over.

What you are feeling is grief, and its not right for you to try to minimise how you feel about this situation. Let yourself feel the grief and come to terms with the situation. Stop squashing yourself to try to please them, you need to understand you cannot please them. They need to have one 'perfect' child and one whipping boy, and they need to play the victim.
Find the strength to walk away and go low contact with them. Don't explain yourself and don't ask for anything, it will only backfire on you.

Its time to put yourself first. Please consider finding a therapist who understands the golden child & scapegoat family dynamic.

Do not take this lying down OP, it's appalling behaviour by your mother. If you and your sister have a close relationship be honest with her and tell her how very upset you feel. Would she then stand up to your mother and tell her that she won't be attending unless you and your family are there? If she is close to you then surely she understands how despicably you are being treated?
If the get together then goes ahead l doubt your mother would disrespect you in front of her guests as this would tarnish her image. If it means back lash comes your way afterwards just ignore it and take control of the situation. Go completely no contact with your mother, you will be so much happier without this toxic woman in your life and you can create a separate relationship with your sister and other family members.

Let your mother have her family party, then when your sister is gone and she tries to contact you tell her to fuck off. Permanently.

Why does your amazing sister go along with this?

I’m not surprised you feel teary about it, it’s a horrible thing to happen.

I’m wondering about your relationship with your sister….have you asked her explicitly if she wants you to be there or not? Because I’m surprised that she hasn’t spoken up on your behalf. My DSis and I are very close and if we were in this situation we would engineer a conversation to ensure that the other one wasn’t left out. So for example my DSis might say ‘DM you know the big family get together, I’ve asked CountryGirl to bring her photos of when we were kids (or whatever would seem reasonable for the setting) as I’m keen for Auntie X to see them’. If DM said ‘Oh she’s not coming’ DSis would say ‘Of course she’s coming, we can’t do it without her, I’ll phone and make sure she’s there’. So DM would either have to come out and say she didn’t want me there or deal with it. My DM doesn’t do this btw but DSis and I have used subterfuge on behalf of each other for other issues!

Of course if the deeper issue is that you want your DM to WANT you to be there and DSis engineering you being there won’t make it feel any better, then you might have to try to come to terms with the nature of your relationship with DM.

I’m so sorry.

I think it is grief, you’re right. I know they will never be proud of me and I have previously had counselling but I think it’s something I need to think about revisiting

There is no point speaking to my Dad. He did used to defend me but as they’ve got older less so. He’ll either tell me to come and there will be issues with my mother or he’ll try to gloss over it. Neither will make me feel better

The only thing that's wrong here is that you are subconsciously judging yourself and your sister through your mother's eyes, words, attitudes and expectations (and she, in turn, will be passing on her own mother's views).

Break the chain. Talk to your sister. Do what you both want to do and let your mother know she's loved but no longer able to control you both.

How old are you OP?
If it were me, I’d organise a large family get together with aunts and cousins and uncles when your sister visits. Invite your parents , they can join if they want

It’s the sly, sneaky behaviour from your DM that’s so weird - you are not invited but you are not allowed to TELL anyone you are not invited. She knows she’s out of order but doing it anyway. Truly bizarre behaviour on her part.

I am glad these hurtful games haven’t wrecked the relationship with your sister at least.

Have you spoken to your sister about this?

My sister and I have the same dynamic. At one point I was working hellish hours, and being a single mother to several kids. But if they needed anything my parents called me because "Well X is busy with work". We both worked long hours but hers were more based around the 9-5 and mine were very unsocial. Think leaving at 8am, home at 1am. But in mothers eyes my job wasnt important, hers was. In terms of earnings and seniority, we were about equal.

We talked and still talk about the dynamic and things have changed a bit. So she will offer to take them to appointments for example and if mother says "Oh but what about your job? Pyongyang can take us" DSis will say "Pyongyang works that day and I am off". We have each others backs.

Would she say to your mother (as mine would) "why havent you invited @Izzwizzo to the get together? She is my sister, I want her there"?

Bollocks to it being about your sister.

Its about your mother. She wants to play the loving devoted mother to her perfect daughter. Your sister is playing a part. If your sister refused to play her part your mother would go nuts. Not because she loves your sister but because your sister has refused to go on stage as the supporting actor to your mothers leading role.

Your mother is more concerned about how she looks that your sisters feelings. My sister has had some issues coming to terms with that in our lives. I, like you I suspect, came to terms with not mattering many years ago. My sister only really realised this a few years ago in her 40's and it has hit her hard.

I have moved away from my home country. When I go home, I really cherish the whole family get togethers. It's not about seeing people so you can tick them off a to do list, it's seeing everyone together, being part of the interactions.

Personally I would calmly let your mum know that being excluded would have some far reaching consequences.

This is a really nasty and unpleasant response. OP, please ignore the above comment. Some people just live to bully others online.

I had something similar in my family dynamic - my dad trying to divide and conquer- displaying favouritism to one, slagging off the other siblings, then repeating the process with each of us. It ended when we joined together and categorically refused to hear a bad word said about the others.

OP, I believe there are two options here.

End the people pleasing, sounds as though you have been seeking approval through doing the things your parents expect. Tell your mum you've had it with her, the lack of an invite is the final straw and pull up the drawbridge. Go extremely low contact. Why allow yourself to be treated this way

If you really trust your sister, join forces and have her advocate for you. Maybe she could refuse to go herself on the basis that you are not invited? If your mum kicks off about this, make sure that your sister gets in the mix of that conversation. If you really get on this well then she should want to express to your mum in the strongest terms that her approach is wrong and end this for your sake.

Basically, don't suffer in silence. Change the model. Find your anger. Your mother's behaviour is not on.