Because you are heavy?

[mintycake]

I am overweight and was telling my dp I was going to start going to the gym. He asked why, because you are heavy? I was taken aback I said do you mean fat because fat is better than heavy. He said I don’t like using that word but okay are you going because you are fat? I was very upset about this I mean I did say I would prefer the use of fat but to be honest I would have just preferred some encouragement. Now I don’t feel like going at all and feel even more self conscious. Am I wrong to be offended? He has apologised and said I don’t see you that way. Which I can’t get my head around because if he didn’t see me that way he wouldn’t have used the words heavy or fat. He is now in a bad mood with me because I am upset.

He asked you a question, Op, as kindly as he could, then he reworded it at your request. I don't think that he has done anything wrong.

I wouldn't have liked it either, but you have said yourself it’s true, and sometimes the truth hurts. He wasn’t very tactful but I think YABU to be angry with him or offended. You can’t really think he hadn’t noticed, and it sounds as if he’d never said anything about it before.

Yes I am aware he can see that I am fat but I think it was an unnecessary comment to make. I mean he is thin and if said to me he was going to start going to the gym I wouldn’t have said is that because you are skinny. I’m not angry I’m hurt that he was so insensitive.

I think that was a very peculiar response to you telling him you were joining a gym. Surely anyone hearing this just assumes the person wants to get fit and probably lose weight. He didn't need to bring your weight into it at all.

But don't let this upset you and deter you from going to the gym. You had already made up.your mind to do this so go ahead and do it for you. Get fit and lose weight and feel better about yourself for you.

He asked a question and you didn't let him finish, are you going because you're heavy? Yes, I am. well it's never a bad thing to go to the gym but I think you're lovely as you are.
Except you didn't give it chance to play out.

Also it sounds like you are going to the gym to lose weight. So I'm not sure what's insulting about that.

😂 very good. What’s to feel sorry for. I’m not saying anything just quietly being upset. I guess it’s just the case of thinking people would treat you with care like you would treat them. Basic things like being careful with potentially hurtful comments. Whether true or not. We all have flaws they don’t need to be highlighted.

Im really sorry my love, but you obviously know you are heavy/ fat, and have been denying it - and now DP has agreed

It hurts, because now you have to own it

Ive been there. My DH wouldn't ever say a word about my weight, until I lost it, now he will say ' jeez, I didn't realise how fat you were " when we see older pictures

Never once has my DH not stood by me, loved me, but since I have lost the weight ( and kept it off ) there are times when he makes a comment now " oh you look fantastic " that it jags me , knowing that when I was heavy/fat - he didn't like it

So you know you are overweight and think your DH should pussy foot round the fact?

If you can’t be honest with your partner then why are you in the relationship.

What were you wanting as a reply? Please darling don’t get fit and heathy, I love every inch?’

I’ve put on weight and discuss it with DH and he agrees with me - I don’t want someone who tells sweet lies to save what? The truth?

I don’t understand, you know you are fat/heavy. Do you want hint to lie?

I understand but if you wanted to go the gym for whatever reason, do it. It is wonderful to be fit

Well done on your weightloss ☺️ No I’m not denying that I have gained weight since we met I am well aware. The mirror reminds me every day hence why I was going to join the gym. It’s not about me being fat or him not realising I’m fat. It’s about the lack of care for my feelings.
For example if a person was to see someone with a big nose they wouldn’t point it out to them and say hey you have a big nose, not because they might be shocked that they have a big nose or that others can actually see it but because it would be a hurtful thing to say.

I would have liked him to say that’s good when are you starting. Or are you going back to spinfit you used to love that. Or maybe I could come with you for a swim or something.

it’s not about pretending I’m not overweight. It’s about the use of language. Being kind.

OP, I don’t think he is in the wrong but I understand it stings when a loved one agrees with what we already know. Please don’t let this put you off going to the gym, you will only be denying yourself the opportunity to do something that will make you feel better.

I hope you do sign up, keep us updated lovely x

Well you know you’re heavy that’s why you want to go to the gym. He just wanted to clarify why.

But he used the terminology you asked him to use.

You set him up.
It was a test for him, and really you are feeling bad about yourself and were trying to make him responsible.

Why weren’t you kind? Why did you choose to say the shitty thing, so as to make your relationship worse?

Er, I thought heavy was the kinder word for fat, not the other way round?????

You’re better off focussing on your food if you want to lose weight. I realise that’s not what you asked.

“Sitting quietly” being upset can look a lot like sulking, just tell him you’re feeling sensitive, have a proper chat and don’t get distracted from the point which was trying to get healthier.

I don’t think that needed clarification. It was unnecessary. What other reason could there be other than that? Perhaps to inspect the quality of the gym equipment? Or maybe he thought I was a budding entrepreneur and was thinking of opening my own gym and wanted to scout out the opposition.

Im obviously a lot older then you because I dont get so upset about words

I accept that not every person is PC, that couples should be able to say how it is for them

Seriously my DH I could smash on a daily basis for his lack of tact, seriously I could rip him a new one at times, but, I know he loves me, would lay his life on the line for me, and 30 years together through thick and thin , gives me that confidence

Only you know how tight your relationship is. If his words are so upsetting, why?

Btw, my husband does criticise now and then - I dont like that, omg what's that you are wearing sort of comments - hes not perfect . I just ignore when I feel hes talking back of arse or not engaging the brain

But you've done the equivalent of saying, "I'm having a nose job," which, rather tactlessly, your husband follows up with, "oh, because your nose is big?"
It's not like he walked in the room, pointed at you and called you fat.
Just get to the gym and stop causing problems where there are none.

Not everyone goes to the gym for weight loss. Some go for fitness, mental health, training for events etc. It sounds like he was trying to show an interest by asking you whether weight loss was the reason for your joining the gym. His question was a bit clumsy, I suppose he could have asked ‘What made you decide to do that?’.

But you are bigger than you would like to be, and he has obviously realised this too.

As for saying that you feel like not going now because you feel hurt- that would be cutting off your nose to spite your face! Almost like you feel you want to stay the size you are just to spite him. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s up to you- lose weight or don’t, go to the gym or don’t. If you have a good relationship, hopefully he will continue to love you whether you try to lose weight or not.

But you would be the one losing out if you decide not to do it. Getting fitter feels great- it’s empowering. Good luck 💪🏼

Not everyone who goes to the gym wants to lose weight. Plenty of people just want to get fit and feel healthy. Majority of people at the gym I go to are healthy weight. Rare to see someone overweight tbh.

Well thanks for all the replies it’s been very interesting getting others perspectives.
Most are in agreement with my partner which is fair enough. The message that I am picking up is that we should not worry about sparing our loved ones feelings. That we should be truthful no matter what. So I will bear this in mind when he asks me again if I think his rapidly graying hair suits him. I will inform him that he suited it better darker and direct him on where to buy just for men hair colour 🤣

It’s an odd question - in that most people would assume someone was going to the gym to get fitter, given you’d have to swing a lot of kettle balls to loose much weight if you weren’t also dieting.

I would assume that it’s because he’s hoping you want to lose some, but if he’s someone who would never think of going to the gym maybe he was just curious.