Because you are heavy?

[mintycake]

I am overweight and was telling my dp I was going to start going to the gym. He asked why, because you are heavy? I was taken aback I said do you mean fat because fat is better than heavy. He said I don’t like using that word but okay are you going because you are fat? I was very upset about this I mean I did say I would prefer the use of fat but to be honest I would have just preferred some encouragement. Now I don’t feel like going at all and feel even more self conscious. Am I wrong to be offended? He has apologised and said I don’t see you that way. Which I can’t get my head around because if he didn’t see me that way he wouldn’t have used the words heavy or fat. He is now in a bad mood with me because I am upset.

I 100% agree with you. He might have been just stating facts as he saw them/ that you know to be true and this is in theory fine, what we hope for/expect in an open and honest relationship. But I would've hoped he would have been less blunt and spoken with kindness. Even something like "Intending to get fit again? Wonderful, I'll join you" gets the message across (that he knows you are currently not as in shape as you used to be) but without being quite so blunt. Isn't this what we teach our kids? That words can hurt and it matters how you express yourself.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either. That said if anyone else but my husband said this to me I’d probably be upset. But I expect honesty from my husband I suppose.

I also think his use of the word heavy was probably his attempt to try avoid saying fat maybe, it just feels a very clumsy way of trying to say “to lose weight” I could be wrong though as don’t know the tone.

Tbh I’m with you OP, DH was talking about joining the gym, he has a bit to lose, it wouldn’t be helpful or kind to point out the obvious.

Jeez OP you're going to the gym because you are fat (your words!). Give him a break!

You asked if you were wrong to be offended, the overwhelming responses on here are that yes you really are wrong to be offended, and yet you consistently reject all opinions to this effect and maintain your boyfriend was in the wrong.
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I agree he could've been more thoughtful with words but it's said now so no going back....girl join that gym and release all your frustrations and start getting fit and show him a better confident version of you 💪

@mintycake no, he acknowledged that you were overweight but then said he didn’t see you that way. So the equivalent would be him saying “I’m going to buy some hair dye”, and you saying “is that because you’re going grey”.

No it wasn't nice and really uncalled for.
My DH was very encouraging and supportive about me starting the gym but I suppose I was very vocal about the fact that I'd gained weight so it wasn't a mystery why I was doing it.
Getting fit is the best and when you start getting gains you will feel like wonder woman. Keep going OP and well done for taking the first step.

Thing is-you compare it to comments about big noses or grey hair. Those things you can’t do anything about-you can’t change your nose or your hair by what you eat. So that would be hurtful. If I were getting porky, I’d want my dh to tell me as weight can creep up on you without noticing. I’d certainly tell him.

OP if he had said something like that out of nowhere that wouldn’t have been great - but you brought up the topic by mentioning going to the gym.

His comment was probably a bit clumsy, but not terrible and probably not meant in a mean way. Heavy isn’t an insulting term, it’s quite tactful actually.

You’re taking it badly becuase it hit a nerve and it’s something you’re probably sensitive about. Have you never said something in the moment that lands badly but you didn’t mean anything bad by it?

You keep mentioning kindness, but I think it’s also kind not to assume the worst motivations of other people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Honestly OP it doesn't sound like he said it to be intentionally critical but more like he worded it clumsily and then corrected it as per your suggestion but still put his foot in it. Try not to stress, he made a mistake, we all do sometimes! Go to the gym, enjoy getting fitter and please don't dwell on if anymore.

It’s a fair question, politely asked, people go to the gym for different reasons, I go for fitness, even when I was fat I went for fitness as everyone knows weight loss is majorly diet not the gym. I think he’s hit a nerve so you want to make him the problem, your view is you know you’re fat, he knows you’re fat, but he should never mention it. And that’s fine, but you need to tell him that’s your view, others prefer honesty in a relationship, I do. As long as it’s done with good intentions, and not malice, or trying to hurt, then I think openness and honesty in a relationship is important. This is just a sore subject for you and now you have to own it, as it’s been spoken out loud, there is no hiding or pretending any more, and that’s always difficult.

I'm not sure what a correct response would have been. If someone brings up exercise or diet, they have introduced the topic of their health/fitness/weight into the conversation. It's exhausting to have to tiptoe around it. If you don't want to talk about those things don't bring them up!

Asking why someone's decided to go to the gym is a perfectly natural response - are they looking to put on muscle, lose weight, get more flexible etc? It sounds like OP's husband was trying to word it sensitively and still that wasn't enough.

It also sounds like, from his follow-up, he doesn't actually think you're too heavy? So it might have been a clumsy expression of surprise. We've all known people who decided they were overweight when they looked fine as they were.

If you were planning to go to your gym for your mental health and he had said that then I would understand the upset but you are going to lose weight (doesn’t work I’m afraid, focus on food). He asked a question, you didn’t like the wording so suggested a different word which you were still offended by.

Talk to him, tell him that you are feeling hurt and agree not to discuss your weight at all.

I get the impression he was trying to be kind by saying ‘heavy’ and not ‘fat’.

I also think if more partners were honest about each other’s weight gain, fewer people would get really fat.

Just put it behind you. Move on and stop over thinking.

Get yourself off to the gym and embrace the new more confident you.

Im the oldest one at my gym. Better than the youngest one in the retirement home.

I’m shaping up quite nicely. You’ll soon forget his “truth” when you slip into a smaller dress size. 😊

He hasn’t done anything wrong. He can see that you’ve put on weight and you said you were joining a gym. Do you want him to pretend that you haven’t put on weight? Most people go to the gym to build strength, muscle and fitness rather than weight loss IME, so he asked a reasonable question. It would be an awful comment from a work colleague but fine from a husband - especially as you set him up for it! He may gave been worrying about your health too.

Maybe you just need some time to come to terms with the fact you’ve gained weight, you say he’s now pretending he doesn’t know you’re fat, saying he doesn’t see you that way, and you also started off saying you’re overweight, then saying you were fat, then downplayed it to you’re not huge just gained a bit of weight, it feels like you told everyone you were fat, then got offended anyone would think that or didn’t want people to think you were fat. Fat is not a crime. It isn’t shameful. I also gained weight, lost it with th4 help of mounjaro and I can tell you the gym helps you tone up, but to lose it, it really is all about your diet, as the saying goes, you can’t outrun your fork. Good luck, use this as motivation, apologise to your partner, he clearly wasn’t being malicious or trying to be hurtful, and continue on your journey.

He did try and spare your feelings though, he said heavy as he thought it was a better word than fat.

It always stings that little bit more when someone you love acknowledges your faults, especially when you are conscious of them anyway. There's a fine line between honesty and hurting feelings. He tried to find it and failed. I dont think that's anything but clumsy language.

And there are many reasons to go to the gym, not just lose weight. Fitness, training for an event, toning up, building muscle, etc.

I came on to say the same as pp.

Your sarcasm about reasons for joining the gym isn't warranted. There are many reasons.

I joined a gym to help muscles strenghten after a health issue. My DH joined to help his training for a triathlon. My slim, fit friend goes to maintain her weight, my daughter goes to build strength.

So no, it isn't obvious why someone might start going to the gym and not unreasonable for your DH to ask why.

He was a bit clumsy with his wording, but if he's generally a kind, supportive, thoughtful person, I'd write this off as simple clumsiness on one occasion.

If he is a critical, unkind, thoughtless person generally, then that's another matter of course.

Thank you all for the overwhelming amount of responses. I accept that the majority vote is I am in the wrong here. A new day and I intend to be more positive today but thank you all for joining me in this debate.

I’m overweight op and have been going to the gym for the last few moths with a PT. It’s really made me feel better. And I can see my posture and shape is starting to improve. Go for it! 🙌🙌🙌

You say “what other reason could there be” as if going to the gym is inextricably linked weight loss.

it’s really not and his question was a good one if he was asking whether you were looking for more energy, to build muscle or just to feel good about yourself.
, all of which are brilliant reasons for going to the gym.

fat / weight Loss via exercise without change of diet is not really a given.

by all means go to the gym and enjoy it, however, if your focus is just on fat loss there may be other ways which are likely to be more successful

hipe you find what works for you.

I agree with you Op and think the majority on here are clearly quite insensitive and/or aren’t being entirely honest in their replies. Your partner could definitely have worded himself better. What’s wrong with “That’s awesome, I should do the same, I’m with you all the way”.

Good luck on your fitness journey! I once lost 4 stone and have managed to keep the majority of it off, it wasn’t easy but you can totally can achieve your fitness goals - a lot of it comes from sheer will power and determination.